The Struggle
by Wondergirl956
Summary: Spike's family cause mayhem, How does he deal with it? How far will he go to protect his team? READ/REVIEW! DO NOT OWN FLASHPOINT! - Would just like to thank gryfenn1, who literally has kept this story going, with mass help, I literally would have quit by now because I got stuck and didn't know what to write, this story is no longer just mine and would like to share credit! THANKS.
1. Different character

It was 1 week today since all hell broke loose and Greg was shot, Team 1 was taking 2 weeks of to try and come to terms with everything,and everyone seemed to be coping fine, although Spike was struggling the most, he'd only seen Greg once since he'd been shot and had only been out with the team twice, he never seemed to be himself either he'd always sit there and only speak when he was spoken to.

He wasn't even his bubbly self around Winnie. He hardly even acknowledged her since the night at the hospital, which is where he found himself now in the waiting room debating whether to go in, but his thoughts kept travelling back to that night.

_Spike was evidently down whilst they all surrounded Greg's hospital bed with tubes going into his mouth and another separate one for his nostrils he really wasn't breathing very well, Spike's eyes where covered in a glassy shield as he tried to fight the tears, he walked out the room without a word, when he realised he lost he let the tears role freely down his cheeks as he walked out the doors of the hospital. He needed fresh air or he was going to be sick._

_He had his back up against the wall, his hands where behind his back making it a little bit more comfortable, as he stared at the ground beneath him, he turned when he heard her sweet voice not even attempting to be soothing but making him feel that tiny bit better._

_"Spike, there you are we've be looking for you?" She studied his face for second before she noticed he'd been crying, she drew him into a hug and he wrapped his arms around her sas he did the same, not wanting to let go, "Spike it's fine now, he's going to be ok"._

_He could hear the comforting tone, but he couldn't help but feel angry with everything that's gone on, when they pulled back she caught a runaway tear with her thumb "Spike I will always be here for you, you know that right?"._

_He was staring into her eyes and she looked sincere and he could tell she was being honest, he couldn't stop himself, it was too late he'd already slipped up big time, he immediately regretted it when he said it but the adrenaline at the time led him not to care as he said "not that way I want you to?"._

_She stood there shocked for a moment before she turned red "Spike you already know I have a ru-"_

_Before he even allowed her to finish the sentence he walked off, left her standing there, he thought he should feel bad but didn't, he was angry and upset, he didn't really want or need a second rejection. They haven't spoken since._

He came to the decision not to go in, he knew everyone was worried about him but he couldn't bring himself to see the boss like that, he can handle it being someone else on the team, not that he wanted anyone hurt but because Sarge was the decision maker, he knew what was right, he knew the right things to say and Spike didn't want to see him sitting there lifeless.

As he walked out he sat in his car for a long while before he started it up and drove back home to his parent's home, he knew it was his house now since his dad passed and his mum moved back to Italy to be with the rest of the family but he still wanted it to be his parent's house, he wanted everything to be back to normal, instead everything was falling apart.

In Greg's room he lay in the same position he had been in for the last couple of weeks, being more than ready to leave it was exciting to find out he was able to go home tomorrow afternoon after his final x-ray, however he was not allowed back to work for another month, which he found fairly reasonable.

Greg turned his head at the sound of door to see Ed walking through with two cups of coffee.

"Hey buddy, how you doing today? Just heard the good news" Ed said with smile plastered to his face.

"I'm just so ready to get home and back to work" He said taking the offered Coffee from Ed's hand "Thanks".

"Don't push it on the work, I'm starting to like my new role" He said teasingly and Greg playfully rolled his eyes at him.

He went serious for a second before he asked "How's the team doing?"

"Were getting there everyone's happier and recovering, just happy you're alive"

He ignored the last bit and was pleased about the team to know they were happy, Ed was staring at Greg trying to read his expression he knew something else was bugging him, he was apprehensive to ask but decided it was best to "Going to tell me what's wrong Greg?"

Greg took a deep breath before he looked at Ed then stared blankly at the wall behind him "Spikes been here twice since the day it happened, once on the day and then once when you all came after work, I don't know what to make of it have I done something?" he looked pleadingly at Ed who looked confused.

"You mean he hasn't come to see you at all on his own?"

"Nope, not once" he too adopted the confused look.

"But he has said plenty of times after shift he was going to pop by and check up on you?"

"I don't know Ed something's not right."

"Tell me about it, he's being acting strange with everyone, he's short and snappy a lot, not himself."

They both looked confused before Ed said he would talk to Spike, and then see if he could get him to come along with him to the hospital, before they fell into a chat about a recent case about a cat that had Greg in a fit of laughter and Ed mildly laughing after all it was at his expense.


	2. Frustration of silence

Spike pressed the button on his phone to make his alarm stop. It was 5 in the morning and he wasn't due in till 7, so he lay there for a second thinking about how he was going to face boss, he gets out today and Spike knew he hadn't gone to see him but in his mind he had his reasons, but he also knew they wasn't fair. It's not like it was boss's decision to get shot.

He got up after another 10 minutes and gathered his clothes and threw them in a duffle bag, deciding he would shower at work, he liked getting there early on days like this, when he worked the 7-9 shift because he found the earlier he got there the quicker the days go, not that he didn't love his job and where he worked, but the shifts where killer.

Today though he wasn't so looking forward to it because Winnie was working the same shift, the only time they spoke since he left her standing there was when his Mum sent a postcard, and it wasn't really a conversation as much as eye contact and one word, was hardly progress in his mind.

_He walked in from a call and he caught Winnie's eyes and looked back at Sam, who was currently filling him in on how create this weird tasting drink he had no interest in making, all the team had been talking to him and acting weird lately, this was one of those moments._

_He looked back up when he heard his name, he looked directly at her, her face was straight she had no sense of humour there, nothing suggesting she was interested in talking, she held the postcard above her head waving it at him to signal it was for him, he walked over and stopped at her desk, she lowered her hand as he moved his too grab it and she placed it on the desk. He was upset but he could understand why she was annoyed._

_"Thanks" he said with a light smile._

_She just nodded and sat back down as she continued to type, he ducked his head and walked off without another word, Winnie caught the sight off him before he left he looked deflated and she felt sorry for him, but she was still upset with the way he treated her._

Spike was at the station for 6:30 showered and ready to start the day, by 7:00 everyone else had dragged themselves in and where in the workout room, Spike was about to move from the punching bag to the weights when Ed walked in.

"Spike a minute?" he looked at Spike suggesting he wasn't asking him.

"sure" he got up and walked out of the room, there was quizzical looks from everyone but no one said anything, they all assumed it was something to do with his odd behaviour.

Spike followed Ed like a lost dog to the briefing room, when they reached the room Ed suggested Spike sits down as Ed closed the door and sat opposite, trying to figure a way to approach the situation.

"Everything Good?" he thought he'd start like it was a normal chat

"Yep" He said nodding his head along, trying to show he was eager.

"Spike since Greg's been in hospital, how many times have you been to see him?" He paused taking in Spike's change of body language, he became deflated and ducked his head.

"What did he say to you Ed?"

"That you haven't been to see him since the two times with us lot."

"It's not that I don't want to, he knows that right?" He looked like he was holding tears back at this point.

"Don't think he does, he asked me if he's done something wrong?" Spike shook his head before repeatedly saying no he hasn't, Ed interrupted him "You and me can go patrolling together and stop by if you want?"

Spike was stuttering because know he didn't want that "I- Uh…" he thought he found his excuse "I can go after shift?"

"You know he's out later Spike" Ed grew a little angry "What's your problem recently, where's the old Spike, why won't you see Greg?"

Spike clammed up, Ed knew he was pushing too hard but it was frustrating him, something was bothering Spike he wasn't willing to open up to anyone.

After a minute of silence Spike finally spoke up "Can I leave now?"

Ed looked up at him again, eyebrows still furrowed he gestured his hand towards the door as a signal to leave, feeling to frustrated with him to talk.

As the door opened Spike watched as Winnie turned her head towards him, and quickly turned back to what she was doing, he sighed as he walked back into the gym.

Winnie continued helping team 2 as her thoughts wondered to Spike, he looked upset when he left the briefing room, she didn't like seeing him like this and she missed having him bugging her and acting goofy whilst they were on shift together, he usually found something funny to try out that had Greg coming out and scolding him like he was a little kid but finding it hard not laugh along with them.

_"Spike you really can't do that, if Greg see's you he wi-"_

_"Winnie this requires my fall concentration so shh."_

_She shook her head and was a little nervous of how it was going to turn out, she weighed out the pro's and con's and decided he was trained and knew what he was doing half the time, but this didn't exactly relate to the job._

_He was walking back ready to take his run up, he had pulled a surfboard out from the store cupboard, still unsure of why it was in there and decided to make use of it, he lined up 6 barrels that they usually stored for water and then placed the surfboard on the first one, he run up and made the jump, he was rolling along right until he hit the wall, however he fell of laughing which meant he wasn't hurt._

_"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" Gregs voice boomed through the halls._

_Spike looked up panicked before he run the surfboard back to the cupboard and run back as he lay down amongst all the barrels, Winnie was clueless as to what he was doing ,until he explained to Greg he ran into the barrels by accident and hey fell on him, surprisingly Greg brought it and walked off shaking his head, Spike cleaned up and walked over to Winnie laughing his head off and then they high fived at the stunt. _

Winnie found a rush of emotion come over her she missed the friendship she had with Spike, she was really beginning to give in at being angry with him, but it's not like he's tried to talk to her either, but then again he hasn't really tried with anyone.


	3. Tearful Outburst

Greg walked into SRU the next day just to see how everything was getting along, he knew he had a long wait before he was fit for duty, but that didn't mean he had to be away from them all, he was surprised when he walked in and he couldn't find anyone until he walked into the briefing room, where everyone was sat around the table with a variety of cupcakes spread across the surface and then a cake saying 'Welcome back, we missed you' he saw the looks in all their eyes, they all stared back with smiles except one, Spike looked at the ground where Greg's feet where avoiding eye contact as much as he could, Greg didn't understand he loved the boy like his own son, he knew it too, so he couldn't understand what was going on.

Ed walked up to Greg and held out a white envelope with a huge smile on his face, which only made the rest of their smiles grow too, he looked at it suspiciously before he opened it up and pulled out a card, he opened it up and read it, it had different messages from all of them.

Jules:

_Not the same without boss, come back soon with love Jules._

Ed:

_I like your job so you don't have to rush back, but you do, do it better! Miss you bud._

Sam:

_Does this mean you'll let me drive the truck more? Miss you boss get better._

_Winnie:_

_Your coffee is waiting upon your return so hurry! Get better Greg._

_Spike:_

_Get well soon._

He looked at Spike's message and it made him feel down slightly, he couldn't understand what he'd done to make Spike so different with him, he couldn't figure what it was he was even feeling.

"Thanks guys, it means a lot honestly" he looked at them all, this time not even bothering to look at Spike, he couldn't bare the look on his face it was unreadable to him.

"And we was going to write it in the card but didn't know how you'd react, we've booked a weekend away this week for the 6 of us" he smiled wearily at Greg, he wasn't big on weekends away from work or Dean but to Ed's surprise he seemed happy about it.

"6" he looked confused "ahhh…Winnie, I'm assuming?" which was confirmed at Ed's nod.

"We are going Friday night and meeting at the place, it has 4 cabins so will have to bung people together, I know of two people who won't mind" he flashed a grin in Jules and Sam's direction.

After an hour of sitting in the briefing room, laughing and planning there weekend away Greg decided he would talk to Spike.

"I going to get some more water, Spike can you help me get the jugs?" Greg looked at Spike who looked at him reluctant at first but did as he was asked; Ed looked at Greg with a reassuring smile, which he half returned.

Spike followed Greg into the kitchen so they could fill the Jugs up for everyone, when Greg put his jug in this sink, Spike followed suit.

"Spike mind sitting down for a minute?" Spike didn't look at him but sat down at the rectangle table, it was placed in the kitchen for when people wanted to eat on their breaks.

When Spike didn't reply Greg sat opposite him.

"what's going here Spike, haven't seen you in a while?" his voice was soothed but Spike could hear the pain.

"I've…been busy" he knew it was a lame excuse, but he really couldn't think of anything better.

"Really? Every day for two weeks? No phone?"

"You don't understand" Spike was looking at his hands resting on the table whilst biting his bottom lip, it was an obvious sign that something was bothering him so Greg decided to push him.

"Care to explain?"

Spike looked up immediately his eyes watering he was ready to explode, it was misplaced anger but he needed this.

"You want me to explain it, what I've been feeling? I've felt like the last person who truly cares for me might have died two weeks ago and I would have been left here once again without a family, without anyone I could talk to" Spike was fall on crying now, his voice raised "When someone from the team would get hurt it was hard sure, but I could talk to you, but I had no one, it made me realise that I don't have anyone Greg, I've lost my Dad, Mac, Lou and my mum moved back to Italy."

"Spike" Greg whispered but he wasn't don't yet.

"I'm so sorry that I didn't come visit you boss, but I couldn't come to terms with the fact that you was lying there almost dead, I didn't want to see what you looked like lifeless because I can't cope with knowing you almost where, you told me you loved me like a son at the barbeque and well did it ever occur to you I might love you like my own Dad"

"Spike I'm sorry"

"Do you know what makes it worse, with the way my dad treated me, I may have even loved you more! And now you're sitting there apologizing for something you didn't even do wrong, I'm messed up Greg, everything in here" he pointed to his head to symbolise he was talking but he own mental well-being "Is messed up."

Spike stormed out of the room, unable to control his out-burst, he had tears streaming down his cheeks as he walked for the elevator, he walked past Winnie's desk he heard her say his name but he carried on walking.

Team 1 come out from the briefing room and saw Greg standing by the kitchen door, eyes watery, they walked over to him a little mad at Spike for ruining Greg's return.

"Boss, what happened?" Ed started

"He's confused about everything Ed! He just exploded he was going on about how he's lost everyone whoever cared for him, and how he nearly lost me and how he couldn't cope with seeing me lifeless because he didn't want to believe it."

Ed stood there for a second "So that's what been eating him up, he felt alone?"

"I guess so" he stood there for a second "I'll go after him he's got to know he has us."

Greg left in search for Spike he found him in the place where he expected him to be if he wasn't at home. He walked up slowly behind him and could hear him talking so he stopped to listen, he knew it was wrong but if it meant getting closer to helping Spike he was all for it.

"Don't think I don't miss you buddy, not a day goes by where I don't, I just wish everything would go back to normal so much is happening, and I'm trying to sort it all out but I just end up hurting people."

There was pause for a long while Greg went to step forward before he started again.

"I've been a total ass to the Boss, he needed me and I wasn't there, all those times he's been there for all of us and I do that. I've also gone upset Winnie, she hasn't spoken to me in 3 weeks almost, I've screwed buddy."

"No you haven't" Spike spun round stunned that Greg found him by Lou's grave, he wiped his tears away.

"Boss, I'm so sorry" He pleaded, quilt evident in his eyes.

"Don't be, I understand I really do, but from now on please speak to someone don't bottle it up cause this is where it gets us all."

Spike looked down a little bit embarrassed, he felt happier knowing Boss was ok, but it was still bugging him the way he treated the team and then winnie, he knew it was all stuff he needed to sort out.

"Come on let's head back to the station, their all worried you know?"

"yeah I know…And boss, I meant it I love you like father" He almost whispered and he felt it was cringe but he needed Greg to know, Greg just smiled

Whilst walking back to the car Greg remembered something Spike said during his outburst.

"You know you're not messed up though right?"

"Yeah just a bad month I guess" he gave a slight chuckle.

Later that night when Spike was lying in bed he felt happier with how things had turned out, when they got back to the station he sat everyone down in the briefing and apologized stating it won't happen again, how he knows he has them, he also explained what was going on and everyone felt relief with it all being over.

Spike was beginning to look forward to the weekend because he was hoping it would be his chance to patch things up with Winnie, although she was in the briefing room for his apologizes he knew he hurt her bad.


	4. Something else

It was Friday and everyone decided to meet at Ed's house before leaving, to make sure everyone knew the plans, lifts where sorted and so were the cabins and who was sharing with who, Spike can remember the awkwardness of it all.

_"Right s so I'm driving with Greg, Jules you'll go with Sam, so I guess that leaves you and Winnie in your car" Ed looked at Spike who at the time just nodded, then shifted his gaze to Winnie and smiled a little she just half smiled before looking at the floor._

_It didn't just end there it got much worse, Ed started organising cabins. _

_"right so there are four cabins and 6 of us so obviously we are going to share, Jules and Sam in cabin number 1, Greg cabin number 2, Me in number 3, and that leaves you two again in cabin number 4"_

_"Woahh hold up, why do I not get my own cabin, maybe me and Winnie don't want to share?" he was looking directly at Ed._

_"Well because I organised it and decided I'd like my own cabin, and the trips for Greg and he deserves the best, so I guess that leaves you, and you lose" he patted his shoulder and laughed, as everyone walked out to their separate cars and began to drive, Spike was last in the line to pull out._

Spike was finding it shamefully awkward so he decided to put the radio on low when Justin Timberlake started playing; he found this a good opener.

"Do you like this?" he said quickly catching a glance of her face.

"He's alright I guess."

"Hold up! Alright as in, just alright, are you listening to the same person as me?"

"He's alright." She said this time giggling after.

This comforted Spike to some extent it was like when they used to joke around, after the ice was broken the drive was easier to cope with because they were able to chat the whole way there like nothing happened before, obviously Spike was still well aware that something had and fully intended to make up for it at some point.

"So..." He cleared his throat "Are you ok with sharing a cabin with me?"

"You going to get a tent if I say no?" she smiled.

"Probably not" He smiled whilst watching the road in front "but that's not what I meant?"

"I know what you meant and its fine, It will be like work but constantly, you hanging around me finding new weird things to do cause your bored"

He smiled but picked up on the fact she said it will be like work constantly, he was determined to show her he wasn't all cop.

They drove in comfortable silence when half hour before they were due to arrive Winnie picked up on Spikes behaviour about Greg, he was slightly sad about her talking about it, he was hoping everyone would forget about it and would move on he had patched things up with Greg, he knew he wasn't entirely over it himself but he wasn't willing to bring everyone else down over it.

"What was the deal with you and Greg then?" she asked a little shy at first.

"I thought you was in the briefing room?" he asked a little tempered.

"I was" she stated.

"So then why you asking me again?" he gave her a quick curious look.

"Because I know you Spike, and I know that wasn't the full story, something's eating you up?"

"Just drop it Winnie, please." he tightened his grip on the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white, his body tensed as his brain thought about everything that was wrong.

She didn't feel scared it was just his way with dealing with things; she just knew it wasn't helping him keeping quiet about it; she really wanted to help but knew that this wasn't the time to talk to him.

"For now" which caused Spike to sigh but relax at the same time, Winnie continued to look out the window as the Sun was blaring through the windows, hitting their faces, she eventually opened the window and felt the heat on her skin until she fell asleep with 15 minutes left to go.

Spike looked over at her and caught the sight of her beauty, she looked natural as she slept; he turned back to the road and stared straight ahead.

When they arrived everyone went to their assigned log cabin, Spike was at least happy to find out it had two rooms, so Ed wasn't all that evil. Spike packed all his gear away into draws, that were placed next to the mirror all in all it was a nice little room, he took the single bed, giving Winnie the double as she was a lady and it was only fair.

He stepped out into their little kitchen and began poking about in the cupboards, deciding it was a nice enough place, when Winnie walked out he was about to head down the beach to check it out.

"where you going, we just got here?"

"Just going to check the beach out."

"We just got here?" she looked at him confused.

"Well it's only there, you can see it from your window it's so close, and I'm all sorted so I might as well." It was close, and it only took a 3 minute walk to get there.

"Fair enough" she said before turning on her heels and walking back into her room.

Spike left the cabin and walked to beach front, he remembered when he was a little kid he used to play skims with his dad, where you find the flattest stone and throw it across the surface and depending on how many times it bounced of the surface depends on who won, of course his dad usually let him win, but he didn't complain.

Spike was standing there hand in his pockets looking out at the sea, he liked the idea that when you looked at the sea it looked like it never ended, it always made him curious as to where it would eventually lead of course that was when he was kid too, he knew where it ended now.

Spike took his shoes and socks of and walked ankle deep into the water and began walking along, he liked the feel of the sand between his toes.

Winnie was looking out the kitchen window and he was right the beach was right there, and she could see him, she looked at him a long while noticing his movements where slow he looked like he was concentrating on something before he pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket, and started reading it, she see him pinch the bridge of his nose before he screwed it up in his hand and jammed it back into his pocket.

15 minutes later Spike returned, and was preparing some salad for the barbeque they planned to have, Ed was on meat duty so Spike said he'd do salad, when Winnie reached over and stole a piece of cucumber he had just cut.

"Hey…you could help you know, instead you make me slave away for a second longer" he began laughing.

Winnie liked this it meant he was relaxed, she just couldn't put her finger on what was bothering him, and she wasn't going to push it when he was like this because he needed to know everything was fine.

"Hmm… where's the fun in helping you though?"

"You're a tad mean Winnie, you know that?" he turned to her chucking some lettuce in her face as he moved to the sink to wash the vegetables, he felt something cold run down his shirt which made him jump he realised after he tensed that it was an ice cube Winnie had pulled out from the freezer.

He grabbed her as she running away and pulled her into him and began tickling her side, as she tried to escape she was screaming in fits of laughter, as he was laughing too.

"Say you're sorry, I will consider letting you go" he chuckled.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" she repeated over and over before he let her go, and she fell to floor laughing still, he helped her up.

They were both out of breathe and chuckling.

"Want help making the salad Spike?"

"Would love your help" he said smiling at her, she walked past him and they chatted whilst making the food.

It was a good day and they were about to head outside to attend the barbeque Spike was already out setting it all up when she was changing into something a little warmer she was glad he was having fun, but she was also always thinking in the back of her mind something's upsetting him.


	5. Under the stars

The food was gone in seconds, and the drinks where heading the same way, it was heading on for 1 A.M and everyone was sitting round the fire pleasantly talking about how they've been doing and stuff to do with work, but the fun stuff it was all light hearted joking.

Winnie was sitting next to Spike and she turned her heard to see him and noticed he wasn't participating as much, but was observing them he had a small smile, like he was happy for what he had and the people he got to spend each day with, she stopped staring and smiled at him when she realised he was looking at her a little confused, he smiled back.

"Something on my face?" he raised his eyebrows.

"Nope" she giggled and looked away hiding a blush.

Spike's attention was then turned to Greg.

"How you doing, buddy?" Greg had that sincere look again.

"I'm good, you?" Spike smiled back Greg.

"oo…I'm good" Greg looked at him for moment "Nothing else is bothering you right?"

Spike thought the best way to get past this was to act normal, although he had been, and Winnie picked up on something and now Greg has.

"What do you mean?" He decided he wanted to know why people where asking.

"You seem quieter and not your bubbly self as much" Greg wasn't beating around bush.

"I'm fine just tired I guess" Spike looked at the ground "Actually I'm going head back and get some sleep." He said before he raised his voice "Thanks for tonight guys, see you in the morning."

Spike left them all sitting there as he walked back to his cabin, he actually decided he was going to go to the beach again he didn't want to sleep, but he knew he wanted to be alone for a bit, when he got there he sat down by some rocks, he could hear the waves crash in, but other than that it was dead silent, occasionally he would hear the team laughing which bought a smile to his face.

By the fire everyone was still laughing and joking before Greg turned to Winnie

"Is he alright?" He leaned over the arm of the chair so he could whisper it, as far as the team knew they had Spike back and that's the way Greg wanted to keep it.

"I don't know he keeps switching from being himself to something else, I can't put my finger on it, I want to help and he knows it, but he isn't willing to tell me what's wrong just yet."

In the middle of the conversation, everyone decided they were going off to get some sleep too, as Greg and Winnie's log cabins where next to each other they carried on as they walked back.

"Maybe I should talk to him, but he doesn't talk I know what you mean" Greg said.

"I don't know, I'm just going to keep trying to get through to him, he knows I'm here" She smiled at him reassuringly.

"Is that him?" Greg said as he pointed out to some rocks that where on the beach, and next was placed a small body frame laying on its back propped up its elbows.

"I'll go…" Winnie said with a small sigh.

Greg walked into his cabin after saying night to Winnie and acknowledging she was going to talk to Spike, he lay on his bed thinking of possibilities of what was wrong but couldn't work any of it out.

Winnie was walking over to him and he hadn't noticed until she was lying down next to him adopting the same position, lying on her back propped on her elbows, he didn't say anything not for a while and neither did she, she felt it was his right to talk if he wanted to.

"See them group of stars there?" he pointed up, and she looked.

"Yeah"

"Well, that's a constellation…" She was amazed he didn't stop there, he was naming them and pointing out a few more.

It went quiet after that, not awkward just enjoying each other's company, Winnie couldn't deny the beauty of the scenery, it was dark but the moon was huge in the sky, and it was reflecting of the water giving a blue tint to mostly everything, she looked out admiring for a while before he finally spoke up again, when she turned he was propped up on one elbow looking at her.

"Winnie…I'm sorry" his eyes softened as he looked into hers she propped up on her elbow too.

"Spike, for what?" her eyes furrowed, she was genuinely confused.

"The way I treated you that night at the hospital, it wasn't right and I'm truly sorry."

"Spike its ok, you said sorry in the briefing room" she put her hand on his shoulder.

"Not to you, not for the way I treated you, I just want you to know, I didn't mean it."

"I know you didn't, its ok."

"So were good now?" he asked searching for the answer in her eyes.

"I don't think we could ever stay mad at each other for too long." she answered smiling.

He was looking into her eyes and it was intense, it was just the two of them lying on a beach, and she's there right in front of him, he couldn't stop himself he didn't want to, he put his hand on her cheek and pulled her in closer, both there breathing became faster and heavier, he was looking down into her eyes, lips centimetres apart.

"Spike" She whispered as he pulled her in closer and his lips where on hers as he was kissing her, he couldn't believe he's just done it, he really couldn't believe she was kissing him back, he rolled her over so she was underneath him, and the kiss grew more passionate as his tongue was sliding against hers, he had one hand holding him up above her head and the other slid down to her waist as he put his hand under her top and felt her smooth skin beneath his hand.

"Spike" she whispered as she put her hands on his chest, he removed his hand from her waist and after a couple of seconds sat up, he wiped his mouth with his thumb and finger pinching his lips between them, he rested his arm on his knee and let it hang loosely as he turned back to Winnie she was still lying, though she had propped herself up again, she was staring at him, trying read his expression.

"I'm sorry" he said before he quickly got up, he offered his hand to help her up and she took it, they looked into each other's eyes again before she turned away, she didn't know what to say to him, she didn't know how to react to him.

They silently walked back to the cabin, when they got inside Spike turned to Winnie again and was looking into her eyes, she could see they were watery.

"I really am sorry, I don't know why I did that."

"Spike it's fine, I just wish I knew what was going on with you?" she said she placed a hand on his cheek.

He chuckled. "You and me both" he was smiling sweetly at her. "night Winnie" He walked off to his room and gave into his body's need as he asleep within seconds.

Winnie on the other hand was having trouble sleeping she was a little shocked, he'd kissed her and she'd kissed him back, she's confused about everything, knowing something's wrong with him but not knowing what, she didn't know how to handle the kiss situation properly either, she was debating whether to act like it never happened or whether she should talk to him, she finally decided tomorrow would be a time to decide, as she was drifting off to sleep.


	6. Today's the day

Special thanks to for helping me with a few idea's.

Please note I do enjoy reading your reviews good and bad and I thank you for taking the time to read the story.

Spike woke up in a panic gasping for air it was only 5 A.M so no one else was up he walked into the kitchen to recover from his nightmare, he poured himself some water as he held it up he could see how much he was shaking because the water was bouncing around everywhere, he gulped it down and steadied his breathing then sat on the couch then laid down and put on the TV but his thoughts kept travelling he knew today was the day and he couldn't get rid of the feeling in stomach where he wanted to throw up, he was exhausted mentally and physically, he fell back to sleep eventually.

Winnie woke up at around 7:00 A.M she walked out and nearly jumped a mile when she saw spike laying down on the couch, she went and got her blanket and put it over him, she then bent down in front of his face felt his head, it was warm but not too warm where she thought he was ill, she looked at the details on his face he looked relaxed and calm, like he wasn't carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, he began to stir so she lifted the blankets a little bit more and put them over him, she thought he needed the sleep she turned around and switched the TV off as she began cooking some breakfast.

Spike was waking up when he was hit with fumes of bacon, he looked down noticing he was in Winnie's blanket he smiled at that, he walked to the kitchen and sat down at the little round table, and looked at the newspaper not bothering to interrupt Winnie's cooking mode when she was done she placed a bacon sandwich in front of him and herself, he didn't really want to eat but knew he had too whilst she was watching, she started talking when she sat down.

"Why'd you end up on the couch?" She looked up at him.

"Couldn't get comfortable" he carried on looking down at his sandwich

"Ahh.." Winnie knew he was lying she heard him wake up in a gasp, she heard him get some water, she could hear how heavy he was breathing she just assumed he went back to his bed so left it, however she didn't want push it "Ermm…Spike about last night?"

"Winnie do we have to, I apologized, It was a dumb thing to do I already know that…I guess I just got caught up in the moment." He looked up once in that whole sentence and caught her narrowed gaze on him.

"Right…Sure, we will just forget about it then" she took a bite of her sandwich, frustrated with him he can't seem to make his mind up, he's all over the place with everything, she just wanted to grab him and shake it out of him.

He looked up at with a small smile before he looked back down at this sandwich, he flicked the newspaper over before he folded it up and put it in the bin whilst huffing, Winnie couldn't help but wonder what was on the page that caused him to do that, she decided it was going to get through to him she needed to push.

"What was on the page, Spike?" She looked at him directly in the eyes as he spun round, eyes furrowed.

"The weather, it's going to rain" He thought that was good enough, didn't stop her though.

"Can you please just tell me what's going, I can help?"

"You can't, cause there is nothing going on?" she stood up and walk directly in front of him.

"Promise me" she had a piercing gaze on him.

"Yep" before she could say anything else he was gone, he walked into his room, Winnie wasn't done she followed him in there she opened the door; he spun round, she first looked at the duffle bad then at him before she noticed he had his bomb kit next to it and a gun placed on top of the duffle bag which contained all his clothes he was packed and ready to leave.

"Spike, what are you doing, where are you going?" she looked confused.

His eyes filled up with water once again, he sighed before he sat down on the bed he burst out into tears as he broke down, Winnie walked over and hugged him tight he accepted the hug, as he wrapped his arms around her and continued to cry.

Eventually he slowed down his sobs and she kneeled in front of him and put a hand on his cheek.

"Spike, I'm begging you, please tell me what's going on, we can help?" she pleaded with him

"You can't Winnie, I won't let you, this is for me to sort out" he stood up and zipped his duffle up and then turned to her tears still streaming from his, he placed his hand on her cheek before saying "I love you Winnie, just know that it's always been you…it was always you."

Winnie began to cry "Spike" she whispered, he gave her a sweet smile before he picked up his duffle bag and the rest of his equipment and walked off, she was to shocked to move, she nearly had him but he's now going and she had no clue where, she collected herself together as she ran out of the cabin the sun was up and she could see him shoving his stuff in the boot of his car, she ran over to him screaming, tears drenching her cheeks.

"Don't make this harder Winnie, please" he said as he walked to the driver side of the car she followed him though, blocked the door.

"Tell me where you're going Spike?" she was shouting

He let out in a strangled cry "I can't tell you, why can't you understand that, please let me go"

She threw her arms around his neck and crashed her mouth with his for a moment Spike got lost in her arms and was kissing her back just as hard and just as passionate he trapped her between the car and himself, he wanted to savour this moment with her before he remembered what he had to do, he pulled away still holding her, both of their faces covered in tears, he moved her to the side and whispered "Can you let everyone know I love them, and I'm sorry" as he got in to his car and made a quick exit out of the car park afraid he might turn around.

Winnie stood there for 3 seconds before she ran to Greg's door and was banging as hard as she could screaming his name, he opened as soon as he heard her panicked voice, Winnie told him everything that had just happened and all the equipment he had, soon after the holiday camp became an investigation sight trying to work out where Spike had gone and why, Greg was in Spike's room.

"Give me something to work with here buddy?" Greg was tearing the place apart, ripping everything up, the bed was a mess, his cupboard was tipped over, Greg turned when he heard the door open he saw the pain in the eyes of Winnie he sighed and shook he head to show he found nothing, when some clicked, she remembered the newspaper.

She rushed out into the kitchen and pulled the newspaper out of the bin and flicked through all the pages, nothing seemed relevant until she see it when she was flicking through some numbers from different stories where circled she knew the stories were nothing to do with it but there was something about the numbers that made her shiver as she focused on them, Greg looked too, they both become aware as they looked through, the first number was 3 the next number circled was 4 as they continued they found the numbers 9 and 6, Winnie turned crying when they realised it was Spike's badge number, Greg turned the page the headline was something about a book and a quote from the book was in the article but it was obviously circled for different reason Greg read it to Winnie.

"It says, 'Always watching him, with our hawk eyes' what does even mean" Greg smashed the back of the chair further against the table.

The rest of the group walked in they had been searching for Spike and trying to ring him, no one had any luck, Jules hugged Winnie when Ed walked over to Greg and grabbed his shoulder "Will get him boss"


	7. He didn't have a choice

Spike continued to drive along the road, where the maps where taking him his tears are gone he was over taken by anger as he followed the country lanes, he took in his surroundings, on any other day, under different circumstances this place would have been beautiful to look at but he only saw red, he was pressing the peddle a little too hard, was going a little fast, he didn't care he wanted this over with.

He drove up to the old factory it looked all too familiar to him, he remembered coming here as a young boy, he stopped the car, grabbed his duffle from the boot and walked to the entrance; before he opened the door he closed his eyes.

_ He remembered standing here a young boy alongside his family excited to see the factory his dad had become the owner of, not just any factory but a chocolate factory, he remembered him and his brother nudging each other excitedly, then he looked up at his dad a beaming smile on his face his dad then turned to his mum with an adoring expression and then he unlocked it and took them all inside, he remembered the smell, it hit his nose hard the beautiful smell of chocolate being melted, he then remembered him and his brother taking of racing to the first machine to watch it all happening and how it was made, that night his dad tucked them both into bed and told them how it was made step by step_.

He couldn't deny it his dad adored his family, it was when Spike had chosen his career he drifted apart from his dad and brother, it was his mum who still bothered with him but he knew it was to keep the peace in the house.

He opened the door it creaked as it slid open, letting the other knows he was there, he looked up when he heard his voice boom through the room, echoing of the walls, his smile evil and spiteful, he could see the gun in his holster, he turned to the man next to him in a suit, clearly his body guard, he took a quick look at the building it was empty nothing but broken down machines and cold air, the walls where made of bricks that were eroding and the floor was a grey concrete, nothing like how he remembered it.

"Michelangelo, so glad you could make it" He gave of a creepy laugh as he said it, his Italian accent still strong.

"Didn't really have a choice" He glared at his older brother

"Actually you did" he smiled again

Spike grew angrier and began to shout "You know I wasn't going to do that!"

"Fair enough, you made your choices… you like making the wrong choices don't you?"

"Shut up, Antonio" Spike barked out at him

"That was rude…Carl could you do me a favour and tie him to that chair, I'd like to get this started."

Spike furrowed his eye brows "Get what started this was supposed to be quick and easy?"

"You always where so naive Michelangelo" Antonio looked at Carl "Proceed"

Carl took a step forward to grab Spike; Spike pushed him away and went to carry on talking to Antonio when he felt cold steel whack against his head the room went black as he hit the cold concrete beneath him.

The team went back to headquarters so they had the proper equipment they needed to start their search for Spike, Boss was going through all previous cases to see if someone might be holding something against Spike like a grudge, Winnie was helping as she wasn't supposed to be at work for another two days whilst they were attending to that Ed and Sam went to Spike's house to search for something and Jules was searching his locker.

Ed and Sam searched Spike's house from top to bottom they found nothing except they noticed a lot of calls where coming in from Italy in the past month, Greg decided he would check it out and asked Ed to get a recording of the calls to get them translated back into English.

It was Jules who got a breakthrough Spike had a box that was locked up in his locker, Greg wasn't sure at first but he knew they needed everything they found he broke into it, what was revealed shocked him, there was over a hundred pictures of Greg, at first Greg thought Spike was stalking him until he found pictures of him and spike together. There was one's of him at home, in the hospital at work, and at calls, it made Greg shiver at the bottom of all the pictures was a cream envelope he opened and revealed the message.

_I hope you make the right decision it would be shame to lose you._

Greg collapsed into his chair, Winnie burst out into tears again, Jules was fighting back the tears just as Ed and Sam walked through they immediately looked at the picture and read the note everyone shared a pained look. Ed kneeled next to Greg.

"Greg, you've you got to be strong, he needs you now buddy"

Greg looked up and then at the team, he knew Ed was right he found the strength to pull through if not for his team then for Spike he didn't know what was going on, or why he was in them pictures but he was determined to figure it out and bring his boy back.

"You got the recording?"

"Right here"

Greg took the recordings and placed them on the table everyone sat around ready to listen Greg took a glance at Ed before he hit play, the other device on the table was ready to relay the tape back to them in English, however they didn't need it because the whole conversation was in English.

There was shuffle before a deep, heavy voice boomed through with a thick Italian accent began speaking.

"Michelangelo, I will cut to the chase, you've received my mail I hope, I need to know your decision I will be flying over soon, I'm not prepared to have my time wasted you've messed us around enough, I hope you know I'm doing this for him"

You heard spike let out a laugh in disbelief "You'd think he'd want this? Really?"

"Don't you dare try and tell me what he wanted, when did you ever care you was never there for him"

Spike was shouting, the speaker began to muffle at the pitch but the team could still make out the words "You're going to try and tell me I wasn't there? I was there every day whenever he needed me, where was you Antonio? Living it up in some new house with your 5th wife in Italy so don't tell me that I wasn't there"

"You acted as if he wasn't enough for you Michelangelo, it was heart breaking to sit there and listen to him tell me how you act like he wasn't your dad, how he felt replaced by that man"

"ooo shut up Antonio he was always my Dad, I always looked up to him, but was it nice to have someone actually want to listen how my day was, was in nice to have someone actually tell me they loved me, you're a joke pretending you knew what it was like!"

"Yeah well I'm waiting on your decision so hurry."

Spike voice faltered from angry to tired "You'll take me" then the line went dead.

Greg looked up at Ed his eyebrows furrowed "I don't understand Ed"

Ed just continues looking at the tape; it was Sam who spoke up.

"Boss it's about his Dad, I'm assuming that was his brother on the phone, that's who they were talking about, I don't get the last bit, where he's taking him? Spike's always had a feud with his Dad" they all knew since the evaluation it was common knowledge to team 1 "and obviously the brother has now carried it out because his Dad's passed, he's blaming Spike."

They all nodded Sam was onto something. It was Jules who chimed in next.

"But if it is his brother he isn't going to want hurt his own family is he?"

"Let's hope" Greg said as he began looking through the pictures again.


	8. Spike or Greg

Spike came back to consciousness when he felt a hard slap across his face, he was dazed but awake, he moved his eyes to face the man kneeling in front of him, he tried to move his hands but they were tied behind his back, he had been relieved of his leather jacket and was in light blue button down and his jeans.

"Michelangelo, your back welcome…"

"What are you doing? You told me the plan you said this was going to be quick" he spat out at Antonio.

"I did, but where's the fun in that thought I'd play around with your friends first" he stood smiling

"Antonio, No please… I promise I will do whatever you want, just leave them alone, they don't need to see this…as your brother I'm asking you to please leave them alone." Spike pleaded

Antonio turned angrily at Spike and punched him square in the face causing Spike to scream out in pain and blood started dripping from his nose, Spike yelped in pain again when Antonio took another swing at this face catching his mouth blood was now seeping from his lips.

"Don't you dare call me your brother, you lost me a long time ago, you ditched your family for work you made your choices." Antonio shouted angrily at Spike "Carl set the Camera up think we should talk to Michelangelo's new friends or should I say family?" he shot a glance at Spike.

Spike sat there tears began to fill his eyes, by coming here he was trying to help them without them feeling blame his brain was doing over time as he thought of a plan.

Greg was still sitting at the briefing room table with the rest of team 1 all discussing their options on what could be going on when he caught a glimpse of Sam looking blankly at the table.

"Sam you ok buddy?" Sam looked up at Greg.

"How long has Spike been on this team and we didn't notice something was up?" His voice wavered.

"Sam don't play the blame game it doesn't work like that, Spike had the outburst before we went away, we all put it down to that it was in the last two days he began acting strange again it was all too quick to notice anything."

"We should have noticed boss." He said again looking at the table

"We did, but he was gone before we could do anything now it's our job to bring him back ok?"

He looked up and at Greg "ok" their attention was diverted when Claire the second dispatcher broke through the briefing room speakers telling Greg to turn the screen on and select channel 8, which he did straight away.

They all gasped, Winnie was sopping as she witnessed what was on the screen, Spike was tied to a wooden chair, they could tell he was in some kind of a factory but didn't know where or what type, Spike was sitting there blood still dripping down his face and onto his t-shirt, they could see he was pleading with someone to stop, but they kept telling him to shut up, the screen jolted they assumed they was adjusting the camera.

Next thing they saw a tall man walk into the view and smiled at the camera before he took his belt of whipped Spike in the head with it, they see his head jolt back as he bit his lip to stop himself from screaming he didn't want the others to know he was in pain, there were two more lashings before the man stepped in front of Spike, the team noticed he looked a lot like Spike except his hair was lighter and his eyes were not as dark, when he stood they realised he was taller but he seemed scrawny and slim, he didn't have Spikes build.

"Spike made his choices, they were the wrong ones and now he's chosen to die for them"

Greg spoke up "Antonio is it?" he saw the man nod slightly "We know Spike's your brother we put it together" It was hard for Greg to go into negotiating mode when he could see Spike but he needed to try. "This is about you da-"

"Don't you dare talk to me about my dad, you didn't know him" Antonio was fuming "Your Greg right?" Greg replied stating he was, they heard Spike in background.

"Antonio please don't do this, it gets us nowhere, you've got me here, kill me, I don't care please don't?"

Antonio spun round and took another assault on Spike leaving him more battered and bruised; the team cringed as they witnessed the assault.

"As I was saying, our young Michelangelo took a liking to you it seems, when my dad was sick and dying, he and my dad got into an argument and do you know what he said before he stormed out of the house?"

Greg just shook his head.

Antonio voice wavered he was getting angrier "he said to my sick, dying dad that his boss was twice the dad he'll ever be, that night my dad phoned me in tears, stating he only wanted what was best for his son" he turned to Spike and looked him the eyes "and you didn't even have the decency to quit your job and look after him"

The team heard Spike shout back "He deserved what he got Antonio, he acted as if I didn't exist, but he knew I loved him, he knew he was my dad not matter what, you know how he knew that? Because I told him, I told him how sorry I was when I got back, don't act like Dad was the only victim in this"

Antonio turned around to hit Spike again before Greg jumped in quick enough to divert his attention from Spike

"Antonio is there any way we can resolve this?" Greg was looking for some answers.

"No he made his choice" he spat out at the camera.

"Can I ask what his choices where?" Greg asked.

"Don't do it please Antonio…please" Spike pleaded "he doesn't have to know"

Antonio turned back round to camera laughing.

"His choice was either he dies…" he paused, looked at spike and then back at the camera "Or he brings me you, and you die."

The room fell silent as the camera switched off.


	9. Blue

Greg was shocked he knew Spike was having trouble but he didn't know it was to protect him, he felt sick, his hand began shaking he grabbed the photos of the table and threw them they all scattered on the floor, no one moved and inch they was in shock too, they didn't realise how deep the situation was.

"We have to find him guys, NOW!" Greg stood up shouting.

Greg marched out the room, in hope of finding something that will give him a glimpse of where Spike might be, he stormed into the locker room and began grabbing everything in Spikes locker and throwing it out kicking and punching the lockers in frustration.

Ed and Sam walked in and grabbed him "Stop, Greg you have to calm down"

He pushed them off in a struggle he couldn't hold back his tears.

"He's just put his life on the line for me Ed, what am I supposed to do knowing he's going to die cause of me?" He shouted

Ed sighed "You don't know he's going to die Greg, we will find him, we'll do it the hard way but we will" Ed turned to Sam "Sam get a location on all abandoned factories in the area, we'll start there."

Sam nodded and left immediately ready to start his search.

"Come on let's go" They ran out and everyone got into a vehicle.

Greg was with Ed and Sam went with Jules, Winnie stayed behind in case they decided to ring again or any other news came through.

Spike couldn't control his anger or his tears as he screamed at his older brother "Why did you do that?" Spike tensed up struggling to get the rope off "He didn't have to know"

Antonio stared at him for a long moment "You really are just a pathetic little man aren't you; it's about time you got your priorities straight." Antonio walked over to Spike's duffle where it had his bomb equipment and his gun and kneeled in front of Spike and began attaching a vest to him.

Spike accepted his fate by now, he was going to die, he didn't struggle against the vest being put on him, he knew what the vest had on it before Antonio even told him, that's why Antonio had him bring his equipment so he could use it against him, he looked down, according to his new vest he had 2:00 hours left to live.

After it was all attached Antonio stood up and stepped back and took a sickening look at Spike "ahh look at that, perfect" he clapped his hands together "Want to know why I chose a bomb"

"Not really…have a funny feeling you'll tell me anyway" Spike spat out looking at his feet

"I chose the bomb" Antonio angrily spat back at his brother "because this is what you chose over your family, so you can both die together, your job and you."

Spike looked up, narrowed his eyebrows "You sicken me"

Antonio stepped forward and swung for Spike again, he was too tired to yelp, just let the pain ride out.

"Hope you'll be there with Ma when she has to bury her son" this caught Antonio's attention which didn't go unnoticed by Spike.

"She knows what you are" he said fiddling with the gun in his hand

"What am I Antonio?" Spike said sighing looking at the ground

"YOU'RE A FAILURE TO THIS FAMILY!" Antonio lost it with Spike, he had the gun in his hand he was using to smash across Spike's face, he pushed the chair over and was kicking him in the ribs where they wasn't being protected from the vest being careful not to hit the bomb and then kicking him in the face, Spike was tired but he could definitely feel this, his cries echoed around the room, he even caught Carl cringing at the beating he was receiving, it didn't matter after a while Spike couldn't feel it he lost consciousness.

1 hour later Greg was standing outside a factory with Ed frustrated, it was the 5th one they'd been to and every single time someone would say we'll find him, all knowing that it was looking less likely by the minute.

Greg's phone started to ring, he checked the caller ID to see Winnie's face staring back, he answered with a tinge of hope.

"Winnie?"

"Boss, I know where he is, I'm so stupid" She was panting down the phone.

"Winnie, slow down where's the location?"

"54 Greenlane Avenue, Please hurry Greg" Greg didn't waste time they was all in their trucks sirens on heading in the direction, they hoped Spike was.

"Winnie, how'd you work it out?"

"Amongst the pictures that were found in Spikes locker we missed one, he had one of his Dad, Antonio and himself standing outside a factory, I did some research his Dad owned it when they were kids."

"Thank you Winnie" Greg sounded like he was about to cry again "We'll ring you with any updates" with that he hung up.

Greg looked at Ed "let's go get our boy back"

When Spike woke up he was aware of two things, he had a killer head ache and that his brother so kindly sat him upright again, he looked around the room again slowly his head was still hurting, he could feel the blood that covered his face he looked down at the timer he had 40 minutes.

When Antonio realised Spike had woken up he walked over to him again.

"When it gets to 20 minutes I'm going to stand outside, hope that's alright?"

Spike didn't even bother replying he just closed his eyes thought maybe he could sleep his way through it, Antonio threw a bucket of ice cold water over him, which jolted him back, he was now wide awake and freezing cold.

Antonio sat in front of him, he let Carl outside considering he didn't need him anymore, he was sitting directly in front of him looking directly into his eyes.

"Where did my little brother go?"

"He didn't go anywhere, you lot just didn't want to know me anymore" He scoffed

"Don't push me Michelangelo" he furrowed his eyebrows

"We all used to get on so well, you joined the SRU and we all just fell apart how could you not see that?" Antonio had adopted a soft voice like he cared

"I could, I wasn't prepared to live my life the way everyone wanted me to, I'm happy with who I am, and who I turned out to be" Spike let the tears role down his face.

Antonio looked at the timer on Spike vest it read 10:56.

"looks like I went way over my time there Michelangelo, I love you little bro" He went to touch Spike face but he moved his head rejecting his touch "I'm doing this for him you know" Spike shook his disbelievingly looking at the ground tears still leaving a stream on his face "there's a thin line between love and hate I guess."

Spike didn't say anything as he left the factory he didn't want to, he looked at the timer it read 8:32, whilst he was sitting he reflected on his relationships with his team, he loved them all, he would do anything for them, he regretted the way he treated them after boss was shot but he didn't know how to handle it.

He couldn't get Winnie out of his head he knew it would be hard to leave her and before he did he wanted to at least know what her lips tasted like and he was glad he got that moment, even if it meant he'd never know what it was like to have her as his own he was grateful for her friendship

When Spike next looked down it read 52 seconds, he closed his eyes and slowly counted in his head when he got 30 his eyes shot open.

The factory doors swung open and Greg rushed in, Spike couldn't believe it he was overwhelmed with emotions.

"Get out Greg you don't have time" Spike screamed but Greg didn't listen he reached him in no time

"Don't argue with me or you'll get us both killed tell me what wire" Greg took the pillars from his vest.

Spike didn't argue he accepted that Greg would leave if it got below 5 seconds, he closed his eyes desperately trying to visualise the bomb "How many wires can you see?"

"There are 3, red, blue and yellow?" Greg said as he touched each wire.

"And there all connected to the same device?"

"No two reach the timer, one hits the main bomb?"

15 seconds

"Don't cut that, that's set it off, so what does that leave?"

"Blue and Red?" Both their voices were panicked.

"Is there any markings on them?"

"No I don't think so?"

"Yes or no Greg?"

"No"

8 seconds

"Boss leave I can't figure it out?"

"I'm not leaving you Spike" Greg shouted back

"GET OUT NOW BOSS"

3 seconds

"Pick a wire Spike?" the tension was too much.

"BLUE"

Greg cut the blue wire.


	10. I Will kill you

Spike squinted as he waited for bomb to go off three seconds later when he realised the bomb had been defused he opened his eyes slowly, Greg was sitting in front of him staring at the bomb still, Spike couldn't believe he was going to live, he was shaking he couldn't find any words.

He saw Greg move round the back of the chair and then felt his hands drop loosely, Spike went to stand up but he felt to weak, he was overcome with emotion, he felt Greg's hand beneath his elbow and then stood when Greg pulled him up, Spike smiled at him and carefully took the vest of and placed it on the ground.

When spike stood back up Greg was still looking at him, eyes watering next thing Spike knew he was being drew into a hug, Spike felt Greg's tight grip and he hugged him back, a few seconds later he pulled away.

"Do that to me again Spike, I'll kill you myself" he said, his voice still shaky

Spike ducked his head a little sheepishly "Sorry boss"

"Let's get you checked out"

They walked out of the factory, Spike limped a little bit, when he stepped out he took a deep breathe then looked at everything that was going on around him, carl was sitting in the back of police car, Ed was standing with Sam discussing something and Jules was typing on the laptop, Spike turned to Greg.

"What's going on?" He looked confused; he thought the situation had been contained

"Antonio got away when he see the police cars, he just vanished." Greg couldn't get his head around it, the place was deserted the factory was surrounded only by grass.

Spike had a look of realisation on his face he knew where he had gone, whilst walking back towards the trucks Spike slipped off from Greg's side, he wanted to see his brother on his own before he was arrested, but he hadn't managed to as Greg saw him.

"Where are you going?" Greg looked at him mildly confused.

Spike looked into his eyes and decided he couldn't lie, everyone has been through enough already "I think I know where he is Boss, we used to hide there when we were little"

"So let's go" Greg threw spike a Vest and his side arm for protocol purposes and team 1 followed him down there he claimed it didn't take all of them but Greg wasn't taking any risks again.

Spike went round to the back of the factory, where the doors leading to basement of the factory were well hidden by the tall grass, he opened the doors and led the way down taking his movements slowly he was still in pain and still injured, Greg insisted he get checked out but he refused until this was over.

Spike tripped and yelped in pain, Jules who was the next one down was immediately at his side as he bent over holding his ribs.

"You good" She slowly pulled him back upright

"Yepp" He let out in a gasp, he continued walking still holding on to his ribs Jules turned to rest of them, and they all shared a worried look at Spikes condition.

When they all rounded the corner they found Antonio sitting on a rusty pipe, looking down at his feet, Spike could see he'd been crying, Greg went to step forward but was stopped by Spike who walked closer to him, the rest of the team except Greg surrounded him holding their guns up, Greg stood behind Spike and walked with him.

"Shouldn't you be dead?" He said bitterly

"Guess my family had my back" Spike narrowed his gaze

The team ducked their heads a little, they couldn't help but feel sorry for Spike his own family wanted him dead and had rejected him.

"You call that Family?" He looked up and glared at Spike he then took an aggressive step towards him before he noticed the team step forward "Put your guns down guys, I know protocol, I don't have a weapon you can't shoot me"

"Who knows with you though?" Spike was glaring at him

"Shut up" he shot back "If I had it my way you'd be dead, that's the way dad wanted it, I was just granting his last wish" Both Scarlatti's were growing more tempered with each other.

"No he didn't, you want that, it's always been about what you want"

"Are you calling me a liar? Ask Ma she was there, don't worry though she was shocked too, I wasn't though I was happy he finally saw you for who you were!"

Greg was about to put a stop to it but before he had the chance to Spike darted forward and rugby tackled Antonio to the ground and was punching him fall force in face, he couldn't stop himself all his anger was flooding out in furious punches, eventually it was split up Greg and Jules had hold of Spike who was struggling to get away trying to reach him again.

Antonio was standing there calmly in cuffs, Ed and Sam took advantage of the fact they had hold of him and put the cuffs on him, he had a bloody nose and lip but he didn't even come close to Spike's busted body, not that he could feel any pain he was shaking with adrenaline, he eventually stopped struggling against their hold, they didn't let go though as Spike continued his talk with his brother.

"You make me sick? You have the cheek to tell me about all this Family crap and how much you care and stupid crap like that; did it ever occur to you that you just tried to kill your own brother after beating the crap out of him? Or that you would have had Ma standing at the foot of her son's grave, regardless of what you or dad thought of me?" Spike was crying he didn't want to hold it back any longer "Before you left me sitting in there all alone, you had the cheek to tell me you loved but you are a Liar Antonio, you don't love anyone but yourself, you don't care about anyone but yourself, you can disown me all you want, you can attempt to hurt me as much as you like, but I promise you come after the people I love again and I will kill you."

Spike knew he shouldn't of said it but he didn't care he was fuming, words couldn't describe his anger when he finished his sentenced he walked out of the basement, when he reached the top he walked round the corner holding the wall for support as he threw up.


	11. The decision

Spike was made to stay over at the hospital that night so they could keep an eye on him, he had 2 broken ribs and needed stitches on his face, other than that it was bruises and cuts that would heal on their own eventually, when Spike woke up he was more than ready to leave, he had packed everything up and was about leave when he was startled by the door to his room being swung open with a force that created a loud bang.

"Michelangelo, your boss told me everything, how are you?" before Spike wasn't even fully facing his Ma before he was pulled into a bone breaking hug.

Spike looked at her dazed and a little watery eyed "I'm ok"

"I would have never let him do that to you, you know that?" she looked desperate

Spike just nodded his head "Ma, when dad was dying, did he…"Spike bit his lip fighting back the tears "Did he say he wanted me dead?" Spike let a tear stroll down his cheek

"Mikey, who told you that?" she placed her hands on his cheeks

"I need to know Ma?" he was getting a little frustrated

His Ma dropped her hands and dropped her head as if she was disappointed "He said that if you was going to choose this career, you'd be better off dead, not that he wanted you dead" she barely whispered

Spike tensed up, he grew angrier, he thought his brother was trying to get to him he didn't think his dad would ever say something like that "just as bad!" Spike said shaking his head "Don't make excuses for him, he could have at least had the decency to say it to me though"

"Michelangelo, do not talk about farther like that?"

Spike eyes open wide in shock he couldn't believe what he was hearing "He can tell his son to go die and that's fine but his son can't say anything, you're all a joke."

Spike left the hospital without another word to his mother, he signed off the papers stating that he had left, when Spike got outside he realised he didn't really have anywhere to go except his house where he'd be alone once again, Spikes car was waiting for him outside like Greg had promised so he got into it and threw his stuff in the back as he began to drive he could feel himself growing angrier, he couldn't see through the tears anymore so he pulled over as he sat there he let a scream and started punching at the steering wheel, letting all his emotions show.

Spike eventually made it home as he walked in he noticed that the team had been in there, there was all stuff laying across his kitchen table, he didn't mind he understood there reasons. Spike didn't know what to do now he was home, he didn't have anywhere to go, and he sat down at his kitchen table and stared blankly at all the crap the team had pulled out.

30 minutes later Spike's door opened and he realised he hadn't moved from his spot at the table his mum strolled in, tear stains on her cheeks, she sat down opposite her son and took his hands in hers.

"I love you Michelangelo, but Antonio is making me choose" Spike lifted his head tears in his eyes he knew what was coming.

"Save it Ma, just leave" Spike pulled his hands back as he looked at the wall behind her, he couldn't look at her.

"Please let me explain…" Spike didn't say anything so she continued "You chose you job over your sick, dying farther, he needed you" Spike was shaking his head tears streaming down his cheeks "and now Antonio needs me, I need to be with him, he's getting transported to a prison in Italy soon, so I fly out tonight, Goodbye Michelangelo" His Ma got up and kissed him on the head before she left him sitting at his Kitchen table crying.

Spike lost control he began tearing up his Kitchen, he pulled all the glasses out and began smashing them against the walls he flipped the table over, throwing chairs at the walls, screaming out in pain as he did it, he could handle losing his dad and brother but he never thought his mum would disown him too.

During his outburst in his Kitchen Greg walked in and witnessed it, he ran over to Spike and grabbed him and help him tight as he let him breakdown on his shoulder, Spike found the strength to remove himself from boss's embrace, he turned around and looked at the state of his Kitchen he let his head drop as he sighed.

"Pack your stuff, you're staying at mine?" Greg demanded

"Boss I rea-" Spike began to protest

"I wasn't asking you Spike" Greg voice was tense, it left no room for argument, Spike just shook his head but left to get some clothes.

When they were in the car Greg explained that they needed him in the briefing room for 10 minutes and that's why he was coming over as Spike got all defensive saying he didn't need checking up on, however Spike agreed to go to the barn which is where he found himself now as he was sitting at the end surrounded by everyone going through the case.

"Spike, the reason we bought you here is because we need to know what Antonio was saying before he got you to the factory"

Spike looked up blankly at Ed "You already know?" he furrowed his eyes confused

"Was he not black mailing you?" Ed looked back confused

"In a way I suppose, he gave me two options, it was me or Greg and he said if I didn't bring Greg he'll find him which is why he sent me the pictures to prove he wasn't joking, he was angry with me because he felt I abandoned my dad and that I replaced him" He didn't say Greg's name but he shot a quick glance in his direction "I guess he missed the part where my Dad disowned me"

"Alright buddy, that'll do for today, How you coping?" Ed squeezed his should for added support when he could see Spike get emotional again.

Spike looked up at Ed watery eyed again, he felt all he's been doing recently was crying, he just shook his head, couldn't find the words to tell him that he'd get there eventually, his attention was turned to Jules.

"You know you always have us Spike?"

He nodded his head, still finding it hard to talk.

"I know it's hard without your own family, but we all mean it, were here for you we all see you as our own family, we love you Spike."

With that Spike was gone he let himself go as he cried again he just looked up and looked at them all "Thanks guys" he said he wiped his cheeks.

As Spike walked out of the briefing room he looked over at the dispatcher desk and saw Winnie typing away when she looked up the both just stared at each other for a while before he gave her a tiny smile which she returned, he felt Greg pat his back as gestured for him to head to the car whilst he sort something out.


	12. You have me

Later that day when Greg was frantically cooking Spike worked out that he had invited everyone over for team togetherness, Spike just wanted to go to sleep but he knew Greg was trying to help so he went along with it, he knew they were all worried about him and he wasn't denying it he was down but he also knew he had all right to be.

It was around 7:30 when everyone had arrived Greg also invited Winnie which Spike was finding awkward, he kept relaying the moment when he told her he loved her in his head, everyone was overcompensating for him, every move he made someone was watching and it was beginning to get on his nerves but he let it slide until Sam just come out said it to him.

Spike was in the Kitchen putting some of the dishes into the dishwasher when Sam walked in, pretending to get a drink; Spike knew he was pretending because everything had been laid out on the table in the back Garden.

"What do you want Sam?" Spike turned around in a huff

"Just getting a drink" he said eyes furrowed

"You know there all outside, so stop pretending your not in here to check up on me" he said as he slammed the dishwasher door shut.

"woah buddy, were just worried that's all, you've had a rough two days, we understand" he smiled

"Don't pretend you know what it's like Sam, you have no clue, your all following me about all the time just leave me alone" Spike began to shout

"Spike we just don't want you feeling like you can't talk to us, we don't want you thinking there's other options"

If Sam hadn't pissed him of before he really had now he was full on shouting "You think I'm going to kill myself? Are you being serious? It's hard Sam really hard and I don't know where I'm at right now but you honestly believe I could kill myself?"

As Spike stormed out Sam grabbed Spike's arm "I didn't say that Spike"

Spike ripped his arm from Sam grasp and carried on walking, he shoved past the team who were listening from the hall way and stormed out the front door, he wasn't going for a walk he just needed some air, he stopped at the banister and gripped it tightly as his knuckles turned white he was breathing hard trying to calm himself as he looked out onto the road, it was dark only the street lights making it visible.

The team were stood inside still when Sam walked out he looked deflated and when he saw Boss he went to apologize.

"Boss I'm was only trying to help him" he looked sincere

"We know buddy we all are, it's going to be hard but we'll get there"

Sam just smiled at him.

"Guess I better go talk to him" Greg said as he handed his drink over to Ed before Winnie spoke up.

"Actually Greg, do you mind if I go?" she said as she ducked her head shyly.

"Be my guest" Greg said a little curious

She walked out past them all looking at the ground, she felt a little embarrassed but as far as they knew it was just a friend helping a friend they all knew they were close, although as far she knew it was just friend helping a friend.

Spike was still standing at the banister looking out when he heard the door open he didn't bother turning he didn't want to know until he heard her voice, he turned then.

"You alright?" she asked genuinely concerned

He just scoffed shaking his head.

"Right, sorry" she said, she looked out too decided she would wait for him to talk it took a whole 5 minutes but he did.

"I don't really know what to feel at the moment you know?" he continued looking straight

She turned her head to face him before she too looked straight ahead "No, not really but I've never been through what you've dealt with"

He smiled a little just the corner of his mouth she noticed it though "It's not nice, I can tell you that much."

"I figured" She let out a little huff of laughter

"I can understand why you all keep checking up on me, I just wish you'd stop I need some space"

"I know Spike, were just worried, you've been through a lot" She caught his eyes watering up before he ducked his head and gripped the railing again.

"I just can't get it out of my head that I'm all alone, I have no one Winnie, I know that I have them, I do, I appreciate that but when I go home it's just me no family, no one."

That threw Winnie off, she didn't really know what to say to that because in a way he was right, she knew no one would mind if he rang them whilst of work but she also knew he would never do that because they had their own families to deal with, he felt they didn't need his baggage as well.

"You see?" he said when he realised he'd shut up her up.

She didn't realise she said before it was too late but she decided she didn't mind he needed to know "You have me Spike"

He just shook his head as he turned to her a little frustrated "No I don't Win-"

She was kissing him the way she wanted it this time, it was safe she knew he wasn't going anywhere Spike wrapped his arms around her waist and she had her hands in his hair, it was a slow but passionate kiss they didn't feel the need to rush, they pulled away and for a long while just stared at each other before Spike who was still holding her hips pulled her back in and was kissing her again.

They stayed this way for a long while before the heard the door opening and separated just in time, if Greg noticed anything strange about their behaviour he remained silent about it, he looked at them both and noticed Spike did seem a little better.

"You good, out here?" His voice was soothed

Winnie answered "Yeah, we were just about to come back in" she turned to Spike and caught the glimpse of humour in his eyes they both knew they were nowhere near ready to come in, but they didn't want everyone else to know either.

As they walked back in they headed to the back garden where the team where sat, not talking, Spike felt a little bad he knew that was his fault when he walked through they were all looking up smiling, Sam jumped up.

"Spike, I'm sorry"

"Don't sweat it man, I know" he gave him a reassuring smile.

The team sat in Greg back garden having general chit-chat, Greg looked over at Spike and saw he seemed a lot more relaxed, he still wanted to talk to him though he felt he really needed to open up, he didn't like the way Spike kept quiet and silently dealt with his problems, Greg knew something went down with Spike's Ma but wasn't sure what.


	13. You was always there

Two days later Greg allowed Spike to move back into his own house under one condition that he would ring him for anything even if he just wanted company and Spike promised he would, Spike was sitting on his couch watching some weird film he didn't really know why he was watching, he had two much free time as he wasn't allowed back to work until tomorrow because the doctors wouldn't allow it.

It was getting on for 2:00 P.M when there was a knock at the door Spike was a bit apprehensive to answer it at first no one had said they was coming over, it knocked again and he finally got up and slowly opened the door to see Greg on the other side.

"Boss what are you doing here?" He looked confused.

"I want to talk to you before you come back to work" he said smiling "We can go out if you'd rather"

"No, come in" Spike sighed he hated these talks, he moved out of the way to let Greg in and they ended up sitting across from each other.

"I wouldn't do this if I didn't feel I had to Spike" Greg stated, Spike continued to play with his hand that were placed on the table so Greg continued "How have you been feeling since it all happened?"

"I'm getting there" he sighed

"That's not what I asked Spike, How are you feeling?" Greg pushed a little

"Do we have to do this, I said I'm getting there?" he said a little tempered

"Spike, please buddy, just let me know how your feeling, it will help I promise"

When Spike looked up at Greg he thought he was going to get a re-run of the last time they talked but instead Spike just looked back at his hands, eyes beginning to water and then he sighed before replying "Scared"

"Scared about what buddy?" Greg adopted a comforting tone

Spike voice was wavering "When I was sitting in the factory Greg, I prepared myself to die, knowing I'd never see any of you guys again, I was ready and I didn't seem to mind as much about it, I didn't fight against it Greg I just sat there and prepared, why didn't I fight it or try a negotiate Antonio out of it?" Spike was crying as he spoke

"Spike you bottled it up for over two weeks, all the emotions you must have felt, you knew you couldn't of got yourself out of there even if you had wanted to, which I believe that somewhere at the bottom of your heart you did" Greg was trying to get Spike to look up but he wouldn't.

"What else if bothering you?" Greg's eyes were furrowed with worry as he looked at Spike he looked defeated and tired.

"Antonio wasn't lying when he told me my Dad said I was better off dead" Spike began to cry "My mum even defended him"

Greg put his hand across the table and squeezed Spike shoulder "I'm so sorry Spike, he obviously didn't realise what a great son he had, that any man would be proud to have"

Spike looked up and Greg squeezed his shoulder again.

"You know I'm proud of you right?" Greg needed Spike to know.

Spike bit his bottom lip to stop himself from crying again he just nodded his head.

"Good" he bought his hand back and looked at Spike for a moment "Spike I have to ask, why didn't you just tell us that your brother wanted to kill me, we could have dealt with it together?"

"It wasn't that simple boss Antonio doesn't work like that, the second you or someone else found out, he would have us both dead and I didn't see the point in that, I wanted to though, I really did"

"I couldn't live with knowing I was the reason you was killed you know"

"You weren't supposed to find out" Spike was looking at his hand again biting his lip.

"Why were you so willing to protect me Spike?" Greg had to know, he couldn't get his head around it.

Spike took a quick look at Greg before here returned his Gaze on his hands again, Spike didn't say anything he didn't really know where to begin it was when Greg pushed him a bit more he broke down.

"Because Greg, when everyone in my house turned their back on me, you was there I felt like I could talk to you and whenever there was a hard case to deal with you would always come and check on me and you'd call my Ma to check I was ok when I got home, when you was at work you took the time to see how I was doing you took an interest in my life, when me and Natalie where taken hostage you supported me afterwards even though I made the wrong decision threatening David, your usually the only one who can see through my jokes when there a cover up for how I'm feeling, and then like I said before at the barbeque you said you love me like a son and I wasn't joking Greg I see you as farther I love you like a farther."

Spike had stood up he couldn't take it he was shaking as he stood up he lent against the kitchen counter as he tried to control himself, Greg stayed in his chair.

"Spike its ok" Greg said in a soothing voice

"no it's not Greg you do all for that for me, and then you was willing to put your life on the line for me you didn't leave me there to explode you stayed knowing you could possibly die and what do I give you in return…Nothing, nothing but grief!"

"Hey" Greg almost shouted "Don't you dare, you don't bring me any grief" Greg's eyes were furrowed he wanted Spike to know he was serious he stood up in front of him "I do it cause I care Spike, I would help you a million times if I have to, you are an absolute pleasure to work with and the nicest bloke I know, so don't act as if you're a pain to anyone cause you're not. You may not be my blood but you're my family and I love you for the good and the bad!"

"I'm sorry boss" Spike said as he saw the pain in Greg's eyes, Greg drew him into a hug.

"I'm always here buddy, always"

Greg left an hour later, Spike said he'd cook them dinner and they continued to talk about work and friends, Spike was pleased he cleared the air with Greg, he felt better knowing everything was moving forward, he was sitting on the couch again when his phone buzzed, he picked it up and read the text.

'Just got off shift, want me to come over?' It was from Winnie, which made him smile.

'Sure, see you in 10? '

'see you in 10:) " she replied, spike threw his phone on the couch as he went to clean up a little, as he was cleaning he realised he wanted to talk to Winnie about everything that went on, he needed to know she was ok with everything, they hadn't had the chance to talk about it all since.

He was in Kitchen boiling the kettle when he heard the door, he walked out and answered it and saw Winnie standing there in her skinny jeans, white strap top and blue and white stripe shirt only half buttoned up.

"Hey you" He said smiling.

"Hey you" she said before she stepped into his space and began kissing him he immediately responded by wrapping his arms around her waist as hers were placed on his chest they stood there for a while before he pulled her in to the house lips still attached and turned kicking the door shut.

Spike could feel Winnie un-tucking his shirt as he began kissing her neck he mumbled "I boiled the kettle" Winnie immediately pulled back she had a slight smirk on her face.

"You want coffee right now? Really?" she smiled

He looked a little confused "No I was just thinking you mi-"

She laughed "you should really stop thinking"

She stepped back forward into his space and began kissing him again and went to work on his belt, it took Spike a while before he managed to push her back a little.

"Winnie, it's too soon."

They were both out of breathe they both wanted this as much as each other and while Winnie knew it was too soon she wanted Spike.

"Sorry" she replied with a shy smile

He placed he hand on her cheek he adored her "Don't be, I just think we need to talk first" he lifted her chin and kissed her "I love you"

She smiled back "I love you too"


	14. So don't

ALTHOUGH THE ENDING MAY SUGGEST IT, THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER!

Would also like to say thanks again to all those reviewing it does help me with my next chapters and your support makes me want to write more.

Spike and Winnie were sitting on the couch, snuggling watching TV when he decided the best way to approach the conversation he knew he had to have with Winnie, he cleared he throat and began.

"Winnie, you know when I left you?" he paused to check she was listening, she lifted head from his chest and looked up so he continued "I really didn't want to go you know I would never leave you like that if it wasn't important"

"Spike, I know I understand your reasons" he sat up, which meant she ended up sitting up to as they faced each other on the couch.

"You mean you're not in the slightest bit upset with me, for lying, telling you I love you and then walking off?"

"You make it sound like you was just going for a stroll, and I was at the time, I was confused and hurt but now I'm just happy I have you" she smiled up at him.

"If you never found out why I left how would you have felt then?"

"Spike I don't really want to think out it" she said running her fingers through his hair

"Please Winnie" He pleaded

"I would have been heart broken, you told me you loved me and then you was gone and in all honesty I loved you too, but you wasn't the Spike I knew, it was obvious something was bothering you and I didn't want to tell you when you was like that, when you was gone, I couldn't sleep, I still have trouble sometimes, imagine what it would be like to never have you, to kiss you or just snuggle with you, it also made me realise how stupid I was to ever have that rule, you really are the perfect guy Spike and I'm so thankful that you're here with me".

"I'm sorry" his eyes softened

"There isn't any need to be, I'm just happy your back, it was a brave thing you did you know that"

"Or completely stupid" He retorted

"Shut up, Spike" she smiled up at him "I hope you know you can tell me anything"

"I know" he looked down.

"What's up?" Her voice softened

"I'm just so glad I have you"

She lifted his chin and kiss him it was slow at first but it grew passionate as Spike pushed her so she was laying down, he hovered over her kissing her lips then her neck and moving to her shoulder, she whispered his name, he moved back to her lips and it grew more intense as his tongue slid against hers, he moved his hand to her knee which was bent passed his hip and slowly slid his hand down her thigh, causing a grown from Winnie.

Spike growled in frustration as he dropped his head on Winnie's shoulder.

"Spike what's wrong?" she put his face in her hands and moved it in front of his.

"It's too soon" he said his face serious

"Spike I want you" she stated

"I want you too, but I don't want to hurt you Winnie, I can't"

She smiled sweetly at him before passionately kissing him again and then breaking the kiss before saying.

"So don't" she pulled him back down as flipped them over so she was straddling his hips, she bent down to kiss him as she began unbuttoning his top again, Spike gave in she made sense and he wasn't going to argue with her about it, he knew he wanted this but he was afraid he was going to do something wrong in the future where she'd want to break up with him, he couldn't handle that.

Spike sat up and took his shirt of before he stood up still holding Winnie up around his waist he walked into his room and laid her down on his bed, as he lay over her again and caught her in another passionate kiss all that was left in Spike's thought was his desire's.

After when they both lay cuddled up, Spike turned his head and kissed Winnie's bare shoulder still breathing heavy "I love you" Winnie turned her head to Spike and briefly kissed him.

"I love you too" she looked into his eyes for a second before she began thinking about work "Spike, when are we going to tell the others?"

He took a deep breath before answering "Winnie, I'm not sure we should yet, everything is just getting back to normal and we'd get interrogated about it and I can't be bothered to deal with all that again, not yet"

She placed a hand on his cheek "Chill spike it's fine, we'll wait"

They stayed snuggled talking about random stuff that neither would remember in the morning but was enjoying each other's company; their hands were laced together resting on Winnie's shoulder eventually they both feel asleep.

The next morning Spike got up early for work; he looked at the beauty lying next to him and decided to let her sleep for a little while longer, he got in the shower he felt happier today he was ready for work, he was ready to face everyone.

When Spike got to work he went straight into the locker room, after smiling at Winnie at the dispatcher's desk they had to take their separate cars, as they were keeping the relationship a secret, when Spike walked into the locker room it was empty, he went straight to his locker and began changing into his uniform when all the guys came strolling in.

"Spike…Glad to have you back buddy" Ed patted his back

"Glad to be back Ed" Spike was glad to be back he felt like he was getting settled again, he was able to relax more, he did wish his family would talk to him and accept him for who he is but he can't make their decisions for them and he was grateful for what he had.


	15. The present

Spike had been back at work for a month and he was comfortably settling back in with help from the team and Winnie, him and Winnie were still keeping the relationship under wraps, they couldn't really decide on the right time to tell anyone, Spike was mostly worried for Greg's reaction as it went against protocol to some extent because Winnie worked with team 1.

Team 1 had just got back from a call where a young girl was attempting to take her life by jumping from a bridge but Greg had successfully talked her down from the ledge and she was currently getting support from the careers and her parents who were on the scene, Spike was coming out of debriefing when Winnie called him over.

"Spike, parcel" She placed the square package on the counter, wrapped up like a present.

He walked over and looked quizzically at it "Who dropped it off?" he couldn't find a label saying who it was from it just said Mr Scarlatti.

"Postman just came through dropped of a bunch of letters and that was amongst it all" she looked at him and smiled which he returned.

Spike took the package into the locker room, he knew it was harmless because it had come from the postman meaning it had been through all there machine's he just couldn't get his head around who would send him a present his birthday wasn't for another two months.

Spike placed the box in the bottom of his locker and unwrapped it when he saw the red box, he began to shake it was the exact same shape and colour strapped to the inside of the wrapping paper was a key, Spike was beginning to feel sick as he took the key from the paper and put it into the lock.

He closed his eyes as he turned it the key, he heard the click, he slowly opened it desperately hoping that his assumptions were wrong, he looked inside he pulled the cream envelope out and slowly broke the seal as he flipped the paper over he looked inside.

As he pulled the photo's out his legs felt weak he sat down on the bench as he flipped through them, he didn't know what to make of it, why it was happening, he was about to throw up, he threw the pictures back into his locker and ran for toilet.

Spike threw up and was now splashing his face in sink and rinsing his mouth out, he looked at himself in the mirror he looked like he'd just seen a ghost, he walked out so the team didn't start getting suspicious, he didn't know how he was going to handle this just yet.

Spike walked out and grabbed the box then headed for the basement to work on babycakes it was the best excuse to get away from the team and figure out what he was going to do, he was so fixed on getting there he didn't realise he just bumped into Greg.

"Woahh…You alright there buddy" Greg held him as he tripped past.

"Yep" Spike said trying to give a reassuring smile; he could feel the sweat dripping from his face, his heart doing double time.

"Spike, something going on here?" Greg narrowed his gaze

"Nope…no" He steadied his breathing "Was just going to work on babycakes"

"Spike you would tell me if som-"

"Yeah, I was just in a rush honestly, I didn't see you" he smiled again

"Ok then" Greg said eyes narrowed on Spike and the box he was holding as he turned around and rushed for the basement door, Greg turned around with a sigh hoping Spike was telling the truth they'd just got him back he wasn't prepared to lose him again.

When Spike entered the basement he began pacing as he put the box on the floor he opened it up again and was flicking through all of the picture's, he threw the box and everything inside it against the wall with a loud crash as the tin bounced from the wall and onto the floor, as he dropped to the floor crying, he watched as the pictures slowly fell back down and landed in front of him.

Spike looked down amongst the mess he was getting the sickening feeling back again he noticed it folded neatly, it was the cream piece of card like they had used before Spike picked it up and opened it as he read the message he felt helpless.

Spike felt stuck he couldn't choose again, it wasn't right he promised his team he would tell if anything ever happened again, but he couldn't be held responsible if the people behind this decided to take action he wouldn't be able to live with himself if someone died because of him, Spike broke down in tears again he'd only just got everything back on track he was beginning to feel happy again and it had just been ripped away from him in a flash.

Spike took a deep breath as he collected all the pictures and the note and placed them in box and locked it he walked out to the locker room, he was off duty and was able to go home which is where he fully intended to go, once changed he made a quick exit before he could bump into anyone as he passed the Dispatcher desk Winnie called him over, he tried to act normal as he walked over.

"What was in the box then" she gave a cheeky smile

"Some upgrades I need to learn" He smiled, it was the best thing he could come up with under short notice

She looked at him confused "Wrapped up like a present?"

"It's a private joke" he let out a fake laugh

Winnie looked around "Maybe I could come round later and you could explain it to me" She was giving him a cheeky grin again.

"ermm…maybe not tonight, I just want to go home and sleep maybe some other time?" he couldn't bare the look of disappointment in her eyes, she looked hurt, he had to continue looking in her eyes though he needed to look normal like it was an offhanded decision.

"Yeah sure, I have work to catch up on anyway, I'll see you later" Winnie smiled at him and he half smiled back he felt terrible as he left her standing there.

When Spike got home he immediately went to the kitchen to work out who sent him the box he knew it was someone else from the family, it was the same box and make, he searched for clues within the pictures, he picked up the note once more as he read it.

_ It's you or her, this time don't think you'll be as lucky. _

He threw it back down as he picked up a picture they'd taken of Winnie she was unlocking the door to her house, the hairs on his back stood up as he went into protective mode.


	16. We get Through it Together

Spike had a restless night he was worrying about all the things that could go horribly wrong, his thoughts kept travelling back to how he's going to screw everything up with Winnie now she's become a target because of him, because of who he is.

Spike found the energy to get up, he jumped in the shower but he didn't feel any better, on his way to work he kept trying to figure out the best thing to do when he realised that he made a promise to Greg and he wasn't going to break it, especially after all that's been shared between them.

Spike knew he'd have to come clean about him and Winnie, 1) because it was relevant to the situation and 2) because there were pictures of them kissing in the box, as much as Spike wanted to take them out and hide them to spare Winnie and himself the embarrassment he knew it was all evidence and relevant and would be the completely wrong thing to do.

Spike took a deep breath as he walked into the SRU he had the box in his hands as he walked passed Winnie's desk he smiled at her sweetly "Where's boss?" she pointed to the briefing room before she smiled at him "I love you, Winnie" he stared at her his face was completely serious.

She looked up and then around she was shocked he just come out with it, she had her eyebrows knotted together but she wasn't about question him "I love you too"

He nodded and walked off into the briefing room where he found Greg reading over some cases, he sat down and waited for Greg to acknowledge him, he gripped the box tightly in his hands and told himself to pull it together; it was the right thing to do.

"Can I help you Spike?" Greg looked up before he saw the worry in Spikes eyes "Spike, what is it? What's wrong?"

Spike gripped the box a little tighter as he looked down at it, his knuckles turned white he couldn't speak, he couldn't bring himself to say it because he didn't want it to be true, he placed the box in front of Greg and the slid the key across the table.

"Open it Boss" Spike let a shaky breath, his voice wavered

It suddenly hit Greg, the box it was the same one from before, Greg looked at Spike panicked before he turned back to the box he opened it up revealed all the pictures and then he read the note.

"Why Winnie?" Greg asked genuinely confused.

Spike just sat up and muddled through the pictures until he found one of them kissing and showed it to Greg, Greg took it from his hands and observed it they was standing just outside Spike's door, it was taken when she went round that day just after Greg had been there.

"You and Winnie?" Greg looked up from the picture and stared at Spike

"Boss I'm sorry, I know we should have told you, it's my fault I said I didn't want to not yet." Spike sounded desperate as he tried to explain himself.

"So this is why there going after her? To get at you, the same way they did when they come after me?" Greg was trying to work it out

"I suppose it's like that yeah" all of sudden Spike sat up straight and lent on the table and looked directly at Greg "Boss I love her, if something happens to her I don't know wha-"

"Spike it's not going to come to that, thanks for telling me Spike, it's easier to deal with it this way…together" Greg went back to looking through the photo's before he looked back up to Spike.

"How you coping with it Spike?" Greg searched his eyes

"How'd you think?" Spike said as he looked down at his hands, he was fighting back his emotions to scream whilst kicking and punching something, truth is he wasn't coping, he just wanted to go home and lock him and Winnie in the house until it was safe for her to come out.

"We'll sort it alright all of us, I'll pull the team in here in 20 minutes ok?"

Spike just nodded before he looked out at Winnie at the dispatcher desk "Do we tell her?"

"She has the right to know buddy" Greg sighed

"I know, but this is all my fault and she just getting caught up with it all"

"It's not your fault, you didn't choose for this to happen Spike"

Spike just nodded as he got up and walked out the room, he felt the tears begin to release and fall freely he walked into the locker room he knew everyone was in the Gym so he would be alone, he sat down on the bench and hunched over and buried his face in his hand as he sobbed, he felt as if someone had punched him in the gut, he was more sad than angry, he'd only just got back to normal with everyone and he'd only just got Winnie as his girlfriend and he knew he loved her, as he sat there he realised how much he's about to mess her life up and how afraid he's going to make her which only led him to become angry with himself he only ever wanted Winnie to feel safe with him and he already knew he's messed that up.

Greg came into the locker room just as Spike was standing up.

"You ok?" Greg asked concerned

"You want us in the briefing room?" Spike chose to ignore his question.

"yeah" Greg almost whispered

As Spike walked to the briefing room he began to shake, he began to think about how he's let the team down and how he's put one of them in danger again, he reached the doors when he noticed the team sat round the table, there was a chair free next to Winnie and he took it as he sat down he didn't look into anyone's eyes he felt the shame of what was about to be told to them.

"Right guys, we've got an issue and were going to deal with it the best we can but right now we have to play the waiting game." Greg put the pictures across the table, followed by the box, all the team gasped and cursed at the display of pictures, Spike ducked his head he didn't want to look, he didn't want to see the expression on their faces but it was Winnie who got his attention.

She gasped and began to cry, she was screaming no at the pictures and she was frantically looking through them before she ran out the room, Spike jumped up quickly after her and followed her into the ladies changing room he didn't care if he was allowed or not he needed to see Winnie.

When he walked it the sight of her broke his heart, she was sat on the bench she had her arms crossed over on her knees and her face buried in her arms, Spike walked over slowly, tears began to fall as he grabbed her elbow and slowly stood her up so she was facing him, they was staring into each other's eyes unable to hold back the tears he just brought her into him and held her close as he buried his face in hair.

After while spike pulled back a bit, so he could look into her eyes.

"I'm so, so sorry Winnie" He looked sincere.

"It's not your fault" she said as she look at the ground.

"Yes it is Winnie!"

"Did you take them pictures and send them here?" Her voice became tempered

"No bu-"

"Then it's not your fault!" She barged past him and went to walk out the door but Spike grabbed her arm and swung her back round to face him, she knew she wasn't mad at him not really but she couldn't have him blaming himself again.

"I promise, I won't let them get near you, they will have to kill me first Winnie, I promise you!" Spike voice was pleading his hand on her cheek his forehead resting on hers "God if I had just taken the hint when you told me about your rule, this wouldn't be happening".

Winnie grabbed both sides of his shirt collar and dragged him closer and kissed him it was a desperate kiss, it was a kiss based on adrenaline, they were both breathing heavily when they separated.

"Don't you ever think about leaving me Spike, we go through this together, now let's get back in there and sort this out!"


	17. The waiting game

Spike and Winnie entered the briefing room, Spike saw everyone giving them sympathetic looks, Spike didn't want that he wanted people to angry he's messed up again he couldn't understand why they were acting ok with him, when they sat down Greg started talking again.

"I've informed them of the situation so far, Sam suggested that we look up on the plane ticket recordings and see if anyone may have flown into the country" Greg looked directly at Spike as his head shot up.

"Just say it Boss, in case someone from Italy had flown, in case someone from my family has flown in! We all know that it's my family so let's stop pretending that it might not be, they want me dead they won't stop until I am!" Spike started crying "I just want it to end, I want to finish this."

Spike felt Winnie grabbed his hand under the table and lace her fingers with his and give his hand a little squeeze it was a simple gesture but it reassured him that she was there.

"Spike I know buddy, we all do and we will work together to get this done" Ed leaned forward.

Spike rolled his eyes as he took a deep breath "Why are you guys not mad with me?" Spike brought both his hands onto the table "I've put you all in danger, again!"

"Spike, it's not your fault we don't blame you, we need you to work with us here not against us" Jules propped up from where she was sitting and leaned in closer.

Spike nodded "ok" he let out in a sigh, Jules looked at the rest with a worried look he look tired and fed up it was look that always had the team worried about Spike, Jules reached over and squeezed his shoulder.

Greg spoke up "Right Sam you get started on the plane tickets, Spike you see if you recognize any of the names, Ed your with me were going to check CTV around the city and locate where these pictures were taken and see if we can see anything suspicious, Jules your with Winnie work out everywhere Winnie's been in the last month it will make our search easier"

An echo of "Copy that" scattered across the room as everyone went around to get their jobs started, Jules and Winnie stayed in the briefing room to start going through the photos.

When Jules looked up she saw Winnie staring down at the photo of her and Spike kissing, Jules couldn't help but feel for them, she knew what it was like when Sam and Jules were under pressure but it was nothing compared to this.

"He'll pull through you know?" Jules started the conversation, she knew Winnie needed comfort.

"I know that, it's just he was only starting to get back on track and now he's being dragged back down again" Winnie continued to look at the picture

"He has us and he obviously knows it, because he has come to us for help this time"

"Only because he didn't want to lie, he wants you to be angry with him, he takes the blame for everything" She shook her head

"It's the way Spike is, we learnt the best way to deal with is to just comfort him he soon realises it isn't he gets kind of lost in his own head sometimes" she laughed a little sadly, she loved Spike like a brother.

"I don't want him to feel like that cause of me, I would never blame him for anything he didn't do"

When Jules didn't reply, Winnie took a deep breath and sighed before she spoke again.

"I love him Jules" Winnie began crying.

"I know Winnie, I think you two always have and that's why we're going to work as a team and get this fixed"

Jules and Winnie began slowly evaluating the pictures each picture was making Winnie more angry and scared, she couldn't believe how she hadn't noticed or felt someone watching her there was over a hundred pictures.

Ed and Greg returned a little while later they had found some footage of man who frequently showed up in some areas that could link to where the photos were taken they had to match the time slot's up with when Winnie thought she may have been in the area, to see if that was there guy first they sat in the briefing room discussing the times and Winnie confirmed that they would have been around about the same time.

Sam and Spike where using the computers by the dispatcher being sure to stay out of the way of Claire she still had her job to do, the computer was scanning when two names propped up with the second name Scarlatti, Spike looked at the screen in shock, it dated back that they had flew over one month ago which would make it seem reasonable that they were taking the photos.

Spike looked back at the screen then leaned back in his chair as he closed his eyes and sighed.

"Who is it Spike?" Sam knew it was a family member just wasn't sure which one.

"It's my cousin, Marco, he was best friends with my brother, it would make sense for him to come" Spike looked at the screen again "but he's brought someone else, there are two seats booked under his name"

Once everyone started discussing the new information found Greg decided they would send out a search party tomorrow to see if they could find any hotels they may have been staying at, but for now they should go home and try and relax, it had become a waiting game.


	18. I have the Solution

Spike was at home the next day, they didn't have any more information and Greg told Spike to stay at home, they'd tell him if they found something, Greg thought it would be best for Spike to stay at home as he was only making himself feel worse whilst working on the case so Greg decided the team could deal with it until they really needed him, Spike was pulling his hair out, he couldn't work out what to do he felt the blame should be on him for everything, he couldn't figure out why the team were acting as if there wasn't a problem, Spike knew despite what Greg said that all he seems to do is bring grief and pain to the team for that he couldn't even forgive himself, he got in the shower before he decided he was going to go to food shopping.

He was walking round the meat isle when his phone buzzed it was a message from Winnie, he opened the message up before he froze, his heart skipped a beat and his legs turned into jelly, he dropped the bag of chicken he was holding and let it land without even taking his eyes of the screen, he left the trolley where it was as he sprinted out of the store, he didn't have time to explain to Greg so he simply forwarded the message.

Spike was going way over the Speed limit as he drove down the swerved roads taking him to where Winnie was, he was getting honked constantly he knew he was driving recklessly but he didn't care, he couldn't help it, he needed to find Winnie and he wasn't prepared to wait for someone to bring him a police car, he was half way there when he could hear sirens behind him he looked in his rear-view mirror when he saw two police trucks coming up behind him, he wasn't about to stop he continued driving at full speed, eventually one of the trucks caught up with him and pulled in front of him but instead of slowing down it was going faster, he checked his rear-view mirror again and behind him was the other one they had barricaded him in, he looked closely at the figures in the car when he realised it was team one, Spike was able to get there a lot faster being escorted by team 1.

When Spike got there he drove out from the barricade and took off again ahead of the two trucks, when he was close enough he broke so hard he flew forward before he ran out of the door and headed towards the building, he felt someone grab his arms and pull him back.

"We haven't got time for this Greg let me go" he tried to struggle from Greg grip.

"Put you gear on Spike" Greg had a firm grip.

Spike turned around and pushed Greg off him "Get off me" Spike went to turn back around he couldn't control his anger, he was tired and sick of feeling on the edge all the time, he knew what he had to do, if you wanted to keep the people he loved safe he had to die, he didn't see the point in a vest, he knew his plan.

Greg wrapped his arms around him this time and forcibly brought him back to the tucks with help from Ed, when they reached him Greg shoved him back, Spike felt the force but the truck stopped him for falling over, Greg pointed his finger and jabbed him in the chest.

"You put your gear on Spike and you go in there with a clear head or I swear to god I will cuff you to the truck!"

Spike glared at Greg as much as he loved him he really needed him to back of right now, Spike stormed off to the truck and put his vest on before they were ready to go in they all looked at the picture trying to figure out where about in the building she may be.

The picture made Spike's pulse go double speed, it was Winnie sitting in the same wooden chair he was in, she had a little blood coming from her head and you could clearly see she has been crying and her eyes were filled with panic, Spike scrolled up to reveal the message again that had been sent with it he took a deep breath as he relayed it to the team again "Let's get this finished where we started." He looked down at his feet before lifting his head to look at the factory; he really wished he'd never have to come back here.

Greg thought out his plan to get everyone in and hopefully out safely, Ed was sierra 1 whilst Sam Sierra 2 they were going to go up the second floor and get the solution from over the banisters, Spike was going to try and talk Marco out of it and if need be Greg would step in to negotiate, Spike had stood his ground when Greg tried to get Spike to let him negotiate, Spike knew Marco he wasn't stupid he see straight through Greg and get angry and whilst he had Winnie he wasn't going to risk it, Jules was set as Greg's second.

When they got in they could hear Marco around the corner muttering to himself, Greg and Jules put there back up against the wall as Spike slowly walked round careful not to startle him, He stayed back so Greg could still see him as he walked out from behind the wall as far as Marco knew he was on his own.

Marco hadn't seen him until Winnie let out a cry it was muffled as she had her mouth taped up, they caught each other's eyes he could see the fear in them, his stomach dropped as he was overcome with guilt, he made a promise to protect her and he'd broke it, they broke eye contact when Marco said his name.

"Michelangelo, so glad you could make it?" He had that same smirk the Antonio did.

"Let her go Marco…please, you can have me, I promise!" Spike looked pleadingly at him, his arm were raised to show he meant no harm, he managed to get a holster from the truck which is where is gun was safely sitting, under his shirt where Marco couldn't see it.

"Your promise means nothing to us anymore" He spat at him.

"Us?" Spike looked around to find someone else "I know you're not alone Marco, who was the second seat for?"

Marco looked at Spike wearily before he thought about his answer "I was hoping to have Antonio out of prison before I came but he was found guilty" Marco narrowed his gaze on Spike.

"So he sent you to do his dirty work, sounds about right" Spike retorted

"Don't push me Michelangelo, don't think Winnie would appreciate it" He shoved the barrel of the gun into Winnie's neck as Spike watched Winnie's tears role down her face.

Spike stepped forward "Leave her alone Marco" He shouted so loud it boomed of the walls.

Spike heard Greg whispering from behind the wall "Spike pull back I can't see you" but Spike ignored him and carried on slowly walking forward towards Marco "Spike what are you doing? Pull back" as spike edged forward Greg had no other choice but to come out from behind the wall as he was swiftly followed by Jules who had her gun up.

As Greg stepped out it had immediately alarmed Marco he picked up Winnie from his chair as he saw Greg and Jules, he held her in front of him, Spike turned around annoyed at the boss before he turned back to Marco as he was still slowly walking forward.

"Marco, I'm begging you please let her go" Marco narrowed his gaze on Spike he was becoming angry.

"There's only one way I let her go" He tightened his gripped on Winnie's arm, making her moan out in pain.

"Anything" Spike was pleading

"Take you vest off, then I will let her go and I take you instead." Spike began unstrapping his vest immediately before Greg spoke up.

"Spike, it's against protocol, there's another way round this buddy" Spike whispered just so Spike could hear him.

Spike didn't even turn round to acknowledge what he said, Spike was way passed being reasonable with any decisions he made, he was angry, hurt, sad and ready to take his life for the women he loves.

As Spike placed it on the ground, he slowly stood back up and edged towards Marco, Spike could see the tears in Winnie's eyes which were wide with terror she was shaking her head wildly at Spike.

"I'm going to walk forward, and you're going to let Winnie walk over to Greg ok?" As difficult as Spike was finding he tried to adopt a comforting tone.

Marco looked at spike for a moment before he nodded his glare on Spike would have been spine chilling, but Spike was way passed caring he had a plan he was going to stick by it.

Greg stood back he couldn't move forward in case he pushed Marco into early action causing the death of either Winnie or Spike, he had to put his faith in what Spike was doing, only he didn't know what Spike was doing, Greg huffed as he began to speak into his ear piece "Ed?"

"Got the solution, boss" Ed whispered

"Sam?"

"I have the Solution"


	19. Standoff

Spike was getting closer and closer, he finally reached Marco.

"We go at your pace Marco when you're ready" Spike knew he couldn't do anything rash not whilst Winnie was still in his arms; the thought of it sickened him.

"Who knew you could be so reasonable" He gave out a creepy laugh

"Just let her go" Spike took a deep breath he couldn't look at Winnie, he didn't want her to think he'd given up on her, he loved her and he couldn't live knowing something happened to her because of him, he knew he wasn't giving up her if this was the extent he had to go to protect he was going to do it "you have me now, look, I'm right here" Spikes hands where still above his head.

Marco pointed his gun at Spike "Move a muscle and I'll pull the trigger" Spike nodded at him, He slowly let go of Winnie's arm and she began walking towards Greg "Now slowly ease forward, I don't trust you"

Spike looked at Winnie she'd made it half way, he began walking forward his eye's trained on the gun "Winnie" He shouted, Spike pretended Winnie was running back which was enough time to distract Marco as he turned his head Spike drew out his own gun and was pointing it at Marco, Marco looked back at him and the gun.

Greg watched as the two cousins had a standoff in the middle of the factory he walked halfway to meet Winnie, who had turned when Spike shouted her name, she was shocked by what Spike was doing he's just made himself a subject in the situation as he threatened to shoot Marco, Greg guided her to Jules who took her outside to the trucks whilst walking Winnie only made it half way before she collapsed down into tears, Jules leant down beside as she wrapped her in a tight embrace.

Meanwhile inside the factory Spike still had his gun trained on Marco, Marco's gun was level with Spike's neither were willing to put their guns down, Greg started walking slowly towards them his hand firmly gripped onto his gun which was still placed in his holster.

"Marco, I'm sure if you put your gun down, Spike will follow we all just want to leave here safely" Greg was staring at Marco but either his or Spikes gaze faltered they stared at each other, it was Marco who spoke first.

"You've made a big mistake here Spike" Marco narrowed his gaze.

"I don't know, it feels right to me" Spike voice was filled with anger, Spike's anger put him into a mode where he was unable to rationalise with his thoughts, Greg understood this but he needed to keep the situation calm, he let them continue he was willing to intervene if it was to escalate.

"Put it down Spike" Marco warned

"Not until yours is placed on the ground" Spike shook his head.

"We going to stand here all day?" Marco could help but laugh a little

"No, when Antonio come here before, I'm not sure if he told you but I told him if he come after the people I love again I'd kill him, and as you're here to do his dirty work that puts you at the end of my gun but I'm guessing he never told you so I'm going to give you 5 minutes to decide whether you want to put it down or am I going to have to shoot you?"

Marco started to laugh again "Well…Michelangelo who knew you had such a dark side, you really have been pushed to the edge, shame you never showed this loyalty to your own family"

Their eyes were still locked on each other in a fiery gaze.

"Spike buddy, I need you to put the gun down, I can take it from here" Greg said to spike hoping he'd clear his mind a little and make sense of the situation, it didn't work Spike stayed stock still as he still held the gun.

"When did you become so rebellious Spike?" Marco was picking at Spike nerves. "I remember when you used to chicken out when we was younger, you me and Antonio used to play pranks on the neighbours and then it got to your turn and you couldn't do it, always had such a kind heart"

Greg looked at Spike he could see the tears begin to fall; Greg couldn't pull himself away enough to get them out of the situation he was desperately focused on Spike, Ed and Sam were talking into the boss's ear letting them know they still had the solution, Jules was comforting Winnie as they listened from the trucks. Marco continued.

"Then you really threw yourself into the bomb crap, became the nerd we always knew you were, I don't even know why your parent's bothered with you, you was always destined to disappoint them."

Greg was watching Spike closely which is how he noticed Spikes arm twitch once, if Marco carried on he knew it would end in a blood bath he was thinking of ways to diffuse the situation he was becoming desperate before he thought he should try and get through to Marco.

"Marco, you want to tell me your intentions here today?" Greg was looking back at Marco.

"I thought it would have been clear from the start, Michelangelo needs to die."

"Can I ask why?" Greg asked

"Shut up Greg!" Spike spat you angrily; he didn't want to hear it, Greg didn't look at Spike he knew it was going to hurt him but if Greg could just get through to Marco then, he would be able to have Spike put his gun down.

"Now Spike, play nice" They were still staring at each other as Marco replied to Greg " it's simple Greg, Spike's farther was sick and needed help and Spike chose to turn his back on his family, we all needed him and he wasn't there, it's a rule in the Scarlatti house you have each other's backs, but Michelangelo instead turned his back, as his farther worried about him he became more ill, he's the reason that he died" Marco could see he was hurting Spike, and he released a small smirk.

"You was in Italy along with the rest of them, it was just me and Ma here, what you lot seem to forget is that without my job he'd of never been able to afford the medicine, the bills and there would have been no food on the table, and don't you think for one moment I wasn't helping!" Spike furrowed his eyebrows "when I wasn't at work providing for them, I was at home bringing him his next pill, cleaning out his sick bowl, changing his sheets when he couldn't control his bladder" Spike was shouting as the tears poured out "So don't stand there and judge me you have no clue, none of you had any clue" Spike was slyly directing the last bit at everyone in the room, which didn't go unnoticed by Greg.

Spike took his eyes of Marco and he looked at his gun "You know what I'm done" he dropped his gun on the floor and looked back up at Marco "if you're going to kill me, just do it" spike was looking directly in his eyes.

As Spike stood there he felt deflated and depressed he wasn't about to play there stupid games if letting them win meant everyone got peace then he was done fighting.

Marco started to laugh wickedly as he too dropped his gun, Greg went to make his arrest when everyone except Marco turned shocked as the sound of gun rang through the air Greg shouted through his ear piece he got a reply for both Ed and Sam who were also looking to see where the gun shot had come from, Greg turned and fell sick to his stomach as he watch Spike fall lifeless to his knees and then proceed until he was out cold on the floor, he saw the blood begin to seep from his chest, Greg fell to his knee's screaming for him to wake up.

"Ed we need EMS, Officer down!" Greg was checking for Spike's pulse "Sam, find out who shot that gun!" Greg was still frantically trying to find Spike's pulse and was panicking when he couldn't find it.


	20. NOT A CHAPTER SORRY! NEED TO EXPLAIN!

Sorry to all of you who are going to think this is a new chapter, will delete this page after but I just received a really harsh review about my grammar, that instead of helping actually seemed nasty more than anything, I would just like to start out by saying that when I'm writing these stories I get an overload of idea's and I write them down as quick as I can, I try my hardest to sport mistakes within my work and correct them.

As I read through, it usually makes sense to me, but I don't thoroughly look through it for tiny mistakes I have noticed them when I've uploaded them and I am going to change them eventually but for the time being I'm focused on getting the story done.

I would also like to point out I appreciate every review I receive from people good and bad and I can take the bad one's and accept people's opinions but I do not however appreciate people being nasty because as they said they were "tired" and it's fine you being nasty but don't do it on a guest account and then delete it your review, please think before you are so nasty because it certainly isn't a nice feeling to be made to feel dumb.

Thank you to the people have PM helping me out with the story and the nicer reviews xx


	21. The wait

"Stay with me buddy" Greg was trying everything to get Spike's pulse going again, whilst Spike was lying on his back Greg couldn't see where the bullet went in only where it had come out, he knew it was good that the bullet was out but it could have torn anything on its way through, he looked at Spike's face as he see blood begin to seep from the corners of his mouth.

Greg was pressing his hands on Spike's chest where his heart was trying to make it pump some more blood if he could just stop it from completely stopping there was a fighting chance, Greg began to cry as he screamed at Spike "It's too early Spike, you're not ready to leave us" Greg was full on crying as he leant over Spike's body, he sat back and gave Spike's chest one last thump as he heard the EMS sirens outside.

Greg couldn't believe it Spike began to stir, his eyes fluttered open for the tiniest second, there was the faintest little movement in his hand, Greg applied more pressure to the wound stopping the blood from seeping out "it's going to be ok Spike, your safe buddy we've got you" Greg was crying even harder as he was trying to keep Spike awake.

It was all a daze to Spike, he could hear the boss talking to him telling him he's there and as hard as he tried to talk his mouth wouldn't let him, his energy was drained, he could feel his body fighting back with the tiny bit of life it still had but he could feel his last bit of energy seeping out of him.

Greg walked out next to the Spike who was being rolled out by the EMS, when Greg looked up he could see the team, tears in their eyes as they watched their team mate being rolled into the back of an ambulance, Greg looked at Winnie, Ed had her by the waste and she was trying to escape his grip hysterically screaming for Spike, screaming for Ed to let her go and as much as Greg could sympathise with Winnie he knew that Ed was right to hold her back.

Greg looked around and noticed Marco had been arrested he assumed Ed had arrested him after calling EMS, he walked over to Sam slowly as he watched the ambulance speed off "Did you find who shot him?" Greg's was wavering between fury and sadness as he bit back the tears.

"No, I can't make out if they left the factory or not it was too dark in there to see" Sam was looking at the factory trying to wrap his head around it.

Greg could see the tears in his eyes; the case wasn't over until the other subject was caught and they knew that they couldn't leave knowing the potential killer was in the factory.

Greg walked over to the vehicle that Marco was in and grabbed his shoulder as he ripped him out and pushed him up against the car "Who was it Marco?" Greg was in his face the anger evident in his eyes.

"Don't know" He looked smugly at the ground, his hands still cuffed behind his back.

Greg grabbed his collar and shoved him off the car and onto the ground as he lent over him "Do I look like someone who wants to play your game?" Greg had to turn around for second to stop himself from kicking Marco "Our man could be dead by the time we get to that hospital and you're just going to sit there and do nothing, who was it?" Greg was screaming at the man Ed walked over and placed a hand on Greg's shoulder.

Greg shoved it off as Marco looked up "Like I'd tell you" he looked Greg up and down "us Scarlatti's stick together."

That was it for Greg he completely lost it he went to attack Marco as he screamed "If I hear you say that one more time" but Ed quickly stepped in front of him and stopped him.

"Greg, come on, this won't get us anywhere" Ed pulled Greg away and had an officer take Marco away.

When they were all standing round one of the trucks it suddenly dawned on Greg how dark it was he hadn't checked the time but he estimated it to be around 9:00 PM, it was Ed who spoke up breaking the cold silence among the group, Winnie was still crying as Jules held her close.

"It's pointless us all being here, me and Sam will stay for another hour before we hand it over to team 2 they should be on their way by now, you all head to the hospital, I don't want him on his own, he needs us there."

No one argued because they all wanted to leave and be there for Spike, Jules drove as Greg and Winnie where in no state to be behind the wheel she put the sirens on and drove full speed to the hospital, when they got there Greg made it to the reception in no time at all.

"Michelangelo Scarlatti?" Greg asked.

The women looked up a warm, sincere smile on her face "He's been taken into surgery, I will let the doctor know you're here and get him to inform you as soon as he's done but for now why don't you take a seat sir" She smiled at him, he stared blankly at her for a while before nodding and walking off to the waiting room where he found Jules and Winnie already seated.

Greg was sitting there thinking about all the different things he could have done to prevent this from happening, how he wished he'd just gone in and negotiated the way he would on any other day, he couldn't help but feel like he'd let Spike down, there was something he could have done and he didn't do it, Greg thought back to when Spike said 'none of you had any clue' that hurt him because he thought that Spike had told him about his family he didn't realise it had run this deep, and Greg knew it was his duty to know these things, he soon realised how much the team take advantage of Spike to the point where they can't see pass his jokes to his underlying problems at home that thought bugged Greg he usually had no problem knowing when Spike was being Spike or when Spike was coping.

About an hour and a half later Ed and Sam stalked through the doors, looking like they hadn't slept for two weeks straight as Ed walked over he looked down at the rest of them and when Greg looked up Ed could see the bags forming under his eyes, he sat down next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"He'll make it through Greg, its Spike when has he ever not pulled through" Ed wasn't sure if he was saying it to reassure himself or Greg.

"Mr Greg Parker" A man in a long, white coat stood in the waiting room holding a clipboard as he waited for a reply.

Everyone jumped and surrounded the young doctor; he took a step back before he spoke "I understand your here for Michelangelo Scarlatti?"

"Yes, I'm Greg Parker, this is the rest of his team" Greg gestured to the rest of them; Greg was getting anxious waiting, which the doctor caught onto so began immediately.

"There's good and bad news I will start with the good news and that's basically the bullet missed his heart by 2 centimetres, should it have been 2 centimetres to the right he wouldn't of had a chance of survival, however the bullet had entered his lung and then exited through the other side, he began showing signs of pneumothorax, which is wear the air begins to feel around the lungs and heart putting pressure on his vital organs which we managed to contain just in time, we were able to repair the puncture to his lung and put him on a life support where we can monitor how much he's breathing on his own and how much he's relying on the machine, if he had been shot in the other side and his other lung was punctured he would have been lucky to make it the ambulance and the doctor informed me you was applying pressure when they arrived" he was now looking directly at Greg "You should know you kept him alive and should be proud of yourself, I think it's best I let you know the next 12 hours will be critical, are there any questions?."

"Can we see him?" Greg's voice faltered he was fighting back tears.

"Not just yet he's still unconscious for the drugs, but when he's awake we will run some tests and then come and get you."

"Thank you" Greg said as he rubbed his hand over his face, he turned to the team and ducked his head as he walked through them and collapsed into a chair.


	22. I'm not going Anywhere

It had been a whole six hours since the doctor had spoken to the team and there has been no news since, Winnie was burning a hole in the ground as she stared at the same spot, not bothering to comfort anyone she couldn't bring herself to tell people it was going to be ok when she didn't know herself.

Greg was sitting in his chair his head in his hands as he thought about all the things that could be going wrong with Spike whilst he's all alone in his hospital bed all he wanted to do was sit next to him, have him know he was there that they were all there.

Greg was pulled from his thoughts when the doctor walked through, he was walking towards Greg as he smiled "He's awake, we run some tests and he seems to be improving, we were able to take the mouth piece out as he is beginning to cope with his breathing on his own, we no longer deem his condition critical but we will continue to check on him, your free to go and see him if you wish"

Greg shot up from his seat as soon as he heard the words, he was swiftly followed by the rest of them as the doctor smiled and walked them all to Spike's room, Greg followed the doctor through the door followed by Winnie and the rest of them.

"Michelangelo, you have some visitors" The doctor smiled and walked over to the bed and checked the Life support machine as he wrote some notes on his clipboard and headed back towards the door "I'll be back in 40 minutes to run some more test but for time being I'll leave you to it."

Greg was the first one to move from his position and slowly walked to Spike's bed they ended up in the shape of a 'U' as they surrounded him, Greg was finding it hard to look at Spike although his appearance wasn't bad, Greg knew what he's been through, he looked at the tubes that entered his nose helping him breathe and then at the bandaged that surrounded his chest.

"How you feeling buddy?" Greg edged closer to bed.

Spike didn't answer he just looked up at Greg before he stared at his hands, he didn't know how he was feeling, he was just a bundle of mixed emotions and not one of them was happy, he felt everything but happiness and that's all he was asking for he didn't see it as much.

Greg sighed when he didn't get a reply he looked at everyone else with a pained look which they all returned except Winnie she couldn't keep her eyes of him, she was fighting tears back all she wanted to do run up and grab him and never let him go.

"Did you catch who ever shot me?" Spike spoke up, his voice was hoarse and Greg could hardly hear under his mumbled words but he caught enough to know what he was asking.

"Spike, we can tal-" Greg didn't want Spike to talk about it just yet he wanted him to relax and heal but Spike wasn't having any off it.

"Greg, did you catch them?" Spike almost shouted but his throat wasn't allowing it, it was strangled and strained.

"No, it was too dark, they either hid or ran off, we'll get them Spike don't you worry"

Spike just closed his eyes and let out a sigh as he rested his head against his pillow, he couldn't think who it was he knew Antonio was still in prison and he can't see it being any of his other cousins because they didn't have a problem with him, it was only the people Antonio managed to brain wash, which was Marco who was also in prison and had dropped his gun at the time, he wondered if they had paid someone to do it but Antonio wouldn't of allowed that, he would of wanted it to be personal to Spike.

"Spike, please buddy you got to believe me when I tell you we will find them" Greg was standing right next to the bed, the others had moved in but not as much they wanted to give him space but they were all nodding along.

"I just want it to be over." Spike was trying to hide his fear but Greg could hear the desperation in his voice.

"We all do Spike, which is why we will stick together to find out who did this." This time it was Ed who spoke up.

Spike looked down again he looked up and for a split second locked eyes with Winnie, that got to him he could see all she was feeling, it was written all over her face he could see the fear, the pain and the guilt, he didn't want her to feel guilty he needed her to know it wasn't her fault.

"Thank guys" Spike took a deep breath "Do you guys mind giving us a minute" He nodded towards Winnie so they understood what he meant.

"Anything you need, were right outside ok?" Spike bit back tears as he nodded at Greg.

As they all filed out of the room they all patted Winnie on the shoulder and smiled at her, when they had all gone Winnie stood where she had been, didn't move an inch the tears still sitting in her eyes, Spike looked at her with a sympathetic look before he patted the bed "Come here."

Winnie woke up from her trance and she slowly walked over to the bed and sat down where he'd patted, she looked deep into his eyes "You ok?"

"Not really, no" Spike bit his lip as his tears gave way, she began crying to as he pulled her down to rest against his good side, they lay there for a good while Winnie's head resting against his shoulder whilst they both cried, after a while Spike spoke up "I don't blame you, I don't want you feeling any guilt for this."

"Spike, I could of lost you yesterday" She sounded more angry than anything.

"Winnie, I had to end it, I needed it to end and couldn't stand the thought of him hurting you, you need to know it's not your fault, I know it's his fault and I'm not blaming myself but I need you to know it wasn't yours, I promised you he'd have to kill me before he got to you" He sounded desperate again his voice still groggy, she sat up so they were facing each other again.

"We said we'd do it together, we agreed you wouldn't leave me" She began frantically crying "I don't know what I would of done if you didn't make it"

Spike placed his hand on her cheek "Shh, Winnie it's ok, I'm ok" Spike did feel guilty but only for the pain he had caused Winnie but he still stood by his decision he needed to keep her safe.

"But for how long Spike, whoever shot you is still out there, can you tell me they won't come back?" she furrowed her eye's at him.

That question threw him of guard cause he didn't know, he didn't want to know "Winnie, the team are working on it, we just have to trust they will find them in time."

Winnie put her hand on his chest as his hand still rested on her cheek "I can't lose you Spike, I won't."

"I know Winnie, I'm not going anywhere, I love you" Spike tilted his head to kiss Winnie as she to lent in, they found themselves in a passionate kiss that neither where ready to end, they both were exhausted and wanted things to be over with, Spike could feel the force of Winnie's kiss which only made him realise even more how she wasn't prepared to lose him, which made him wrap his arms around Winnie, he needed her to feel safe.


	23. Empty bed

The next day Spike was sitting in his bed thinking about all the reasons he would rather be at home than in the hospital when he heard the door open, he turned his head when he realised it was Greg he gave a small smile before he looked down he didn't really feel like talking to Greg at the moment, he wanted to clear his own head first.

"Hey Spike, got you some doughnuts" Greg held out the bag of doughnuts in his hand, which Spike took he didn't really appreciate hospital food either.

"Thanks Boss, I'll be sure to eat them later" He gave a weak smile.

"How you feeling today?" Greg took a chair next to his bed.

"Better, my chest still hurts, I suppose" Spike ducked his head a little.

"That's good it will all get better, just takes some time." Spike shot Greg a pained look, which made Greg smile, everyone knew Spike lacked in the patience department.

"Any news on the shooter?" Spike looked at the wall directly in front of him; he didn't want Greg to see the fear in his eyes.

Greg sighed "No, not yet buddy, we trying to find possible leads but there is nothing so far, we checked the CCTV in the airport to see if anyone was walking with Marco and there wasn't, and it turns out that there wasn't anyone sitting with him on the aircraft, maybe he was telling the truth about Antonio"

Spike put his head in his hands "It doesn't make sense" he shook head.

"I know, but were working on it, we tried talking to Marco but he isn't willing to tell us who it was but were not giving up not until this person is put behind bars Spike."

Spike faltered a bit he didn't want Greg to know he was scared so he kept his breathing steady and continued to stare at the wall for a second, he knew Greg and he knew he'd be analysing every move Spike was making, so he forced himself to stare into Greg's eyes "And if they find me before?."

"Spike, it won't come to that! At the moment we have the upper hand, because they don't know whether you're dead or alive and when they found out we can't even guarantee they will come for you again." Greg's voice was soothed

"Don't kid yourself boss, you was there and you heard what he said 'I need to die'" Spike mimicked Marco "they won't give up, Antonio is able to manipulate people so he gets what he wants, even if it means killing a family member, he hads this way of getting into people's heads to the point where they don't see clearly anymore, there not really sure what there doing"

"So if we could stop Antonio it would all be put to rest?" Greg looked half hopeful.

"Yeah I suppose, but it would be hard to ever rationalise with him"

Greg nodded as he looked at the ground and then back at Spike he knew it was hard for Spike and he wanted to make everything ok for him, he could tell Spike was holding his emotions back, he could see the fear and the anger, he wanted Spike to talk but he knew the best way to get through to Spike was patience.

Spike took a deep breath he could feel his tears start to surface so he looked out the window away from Greg, he wasn't lying, he knew himself how hard it was to rationalise with Antonio after all he grew up with him, what was bugging him was that people have family feud's all the time but he could never imagine anyone's family wanting to kill one another and he couldn't wrap his head around how his brother was going to be ok with killing his own flesh and blood the person he grew up with, Greg had caught on to Spike change in body language before he spoke.

"it's going to be ok buddy" Greg went to squeeze Spike's shoulder but Spike quickly moved, which caused pain to his ribs as he winced Greg stepped back a bit as he had to respect the fact Spike wanted his space, but he couldn't understand what was happening Spike was responsive before and now he doesn't even want Greg to touch him.

"Spike?" Greg's eyes were furrowed; he was a little confused at his quick change of emotion.

"Just leave Greg, please" Spike didn't look at him he continued to look out the window, he could see the people below going about their normal day to day lives, how calm everyone looked and in a way he was kind of jealous because at the moment all he wanted was a normal life.

"You want to tell me what's going here?" Greg didn't want to push but he found that when Spike turned like this it was the best way to go.

Spike spun his head round, desperation in his eyes he was almost pleading with him "I can't protect you…any of you, the team, Winnie and anyone else who gets roped into it, they are going to come back and you know it Greg and when they do who's to say that they will just stop at me, what if they come for you next or Winnie and then they go after Ed, he's got a family to look after and Jules and Sam, how would they cope if they lost each other?"

"Spike, don't think like that, we don't expect you to protect us we look after each other on this team, do you understand me?" Greg was stern whilst putting his point across he needed Spike to know.

Spike just nodded before Greg spoke again "Your moving back in with me, I'm not having you on your own again whilst you like this, I'm going to your house and get some things and then I'll be back to see when they can let you go".

When Greg returned 1 hour later, Spike's bed was empty with a piece a paper sitting on the pillow.


	24. We'll get him Greg

Greg dropped the duffle bag containing Spike's clothes as he rushed over to the bed and grabbed the note that was placed in the centre of the pillow.

_I'm sorry._

Greg screwed the paper up in his hand as he threw it into the bin, he wasn't sure if he was mad or worried for Spike, he couldn't understand why Spike wouldn't let them help, he was beginning to think that Spike didn't trust them to get whoever it was but Greg wasn't going to allow anything to happen and he found the best way to do that was keep Spike with him as much as he could which is why he found it urgent to find Spike as soon as possible, he knew Spike wouldn't appreciate Greg's company 24/7 but he could try his best to keep an eye on him.

Greg rushed out of the hospital and phoned Ed, the team had been given 2 days off to get over the case but Greg knew that they would all be back in the cool pants as soon as the heard. They didn't waste time trying to find Spike, 30 minutes after Greg had phoned everyone they were all out looking for him.

Greg went back to Spike's house to see if he'd missed him on the way back but he wasn't in, so he was heading towards Lou's grave straight after, Ed was driving around the streets close to the hospital, whilst Sam took to the streets further out with Jules who had the laptop to see if she could track Spikes cell phone or car but his car was still at his house and she couldn't find a trace for his phone, he'd obviously turned it off. Greg decided to phone Winnie and told her to let him know if Spike stopped by the station he tried to keep it casual without alarming her but Winnie wasn't dumb.

Winnie got off shift half an hour ago but she didn't move from the briefing room, she wanted to wait to hear anything from the team or to see if Spike would return to the barn, she was fighting back the tears, she trusted Spike and she knew that he wouldn't leave her not after all those promises he made.

Spike had taken 2 Taxi's and 1 bus to get to his destination but he had no clue where he was, he'd just told them to drive and the bus was just to help him get even further away but he knew wherever he was he was away from his home, he tried to clear his head and see that he was making a mistake and that he needed to be back with his team and Winnie but every time he found a reason to go back he kept going back to the one reason he shouldn't, he didn't want anyone to die for him and the best way to do that was to hide.

Spike found a nice spot in the woods that he had been walking in for the last hour he sat down as he looked at the nature surrounding him, he buried his head in his hands as he sobbed, he wanted to go back but he was scared, scared of what might happen if he does, scared that Antonio will come back.

One thought kept running through Spike's head and that was that he was nearly dead, he couldn't stop thinking about how his heart stopped for a few seconds, how it felt to stop breathing even though your fighting with your every last breath, how he felt his skin begin to turn cold but what really got Spike was the fact that even though all of this was happening the one thing he knew was that his team was surrounding him the whole time as he struggled to keep his eyes open and his heart going he knew that he had someone fighting for his life even if he couldn't.

Spike kept relaying the moment when he felt the shock of the bullet enter through his ribs, he could remember feeling how it tore through his lungs, how he suddenly found it too hard to breath and how he could remember the agonising pain as the bullet shoot out through the other side, the fact that it had come out the other side told him how close the shooter was, that thought scared him the most, they was in the room with him the whole time just watching, how does he know there not watching him now.

Spike shuddered at the thought; he even went to the extent of looking as he wearily lifted his head from his hands and stared at his surroundings. He stood up and began walking he didn't really know where but he was just walking where ever his legs would take him, as he walked the same thoughts kept flashing through his mind, making him tense as he shoved his hands in his pockets, as he looked up he noticed it getting darker and colder as the sun went down.

He continued to walk until he found himself back at his hometown 2 hours later, where it was now pitch black and bitterly cold; however Spike couldn't feel it as he was way passed feeling anything. Spike still didn't know where he was going until he stood at the familiar gates; he walked along the gravelled path slowly until he reached the marble plaque.

He sunk to his knees, the last time he was here was when they were lowering his father into the ground, Spike had remembered the day clearly, it was the day the feud began with Antonio.

_Spike stood next to his mother whilst his brother stood on her other side a few family and friends had gathered, not many flew in from Italy for reasons like they couldn't afford it, they couldn't get work off or they were too busy with their life's to fly to a different country at the time. His mother had accepted it but Spike knew, he was probably the only one that did, he knew the only reason the rest of his family didn't come was because they knew he was a bitter man who rejected most of his family that sided with Spike._

_The only people who did fly over were Antonio and Marco and his family which was his Dad and two sisters, his mum had passed a few years back. Once the casket was settled at the bottom of the grave the routine began of putting a piece of soil on top, when it was Spike's turn he remembered Antonio whispering in Spike's ear "You shouldn't even be allowed to be here, and now you're putting a piece of soil on his grave like you deserve to." He remembered hearing the bitterness in his voice, how his stomach turned at the aggression he felt coming from Antonio._

_Spike wouldn't allow himself to get angry not whilst he was at his father's funeral, when he got home though he paced his room, thinking what a cheek he had to say that. Spike stopped pacing and sat on his bed as he remembered when Antonio left them all when he turned 17 to return to Italy, his farther cried that day and Spike found that to some extent, Antonio did the same to them that day as Spike had with his job but at least Spike stuck around to look after them._

Greg was sitting in the briefing room with the rest of the team discussing options but they all secretly knew there was nothing more they could do but wait. Ed was speaking to the team about possible places Spike would have gone out of Toronto before Winnie come in looking a little pale but eager, Greg looked at her and then at the card she held in her hand.

"What is it Winnie?" Greg looked concerned.

"It's a picture of Spike; he's at his dad's grave there was an anonymous tip off. A young boy was told to bring this to you urgently but he said they were wearing all black but they seemed calm like they weren't going to hurt him." Winnie handed over the picture her hand shaking "Greg you don't think there back do you?"

Greg looked up and could see the pain in Winnie's eyes he placed a hand on her shoulder "I don't know Winnie, but if there helping us find him that's a good sign"

Winnie nodded as Greg shouted for the team to suit up as they all ran to the trucks, Greg was sitting in the front seat with Ed when he looked at the picture of Spike at his dad's grave he was sitting with his back to the grave his knee's at his chest, with his hand wrapped around his legs he looked fragile and scared.

"We'll get him Greg" Ed's voice was stern, but Greg could hear the panic.


	25. It will get better

Ed's truck was first in line to pull into the car park, they were going faster than they should have and he stopped the truck with a skid, Greg didn't hesitate getting out of the car he practically jumped out before Ed had stopped completely.

Greg was racing down the same gravelled path Spike had and not long after the team was hot on his heels as they searched for Spike and his fathers grave, there was over 4,000 graves in the cemetery and Greg was getting frustrated as he was looking, until he heard a bunch of leaves begin to crunch, he could tell someone was running when he turned he saw Spike darting towards the gates of cemetery as he looked further behind him and he saw Sam had begun chasing him.

"Sam you need to be careful his ribs haven't fully healed. Ed, Jules run in from the other side try and corner him if you can, guys we need to surround him otherwise he'll run, he's scared." Greg said into his earpiece before he began running towards him too, he was hoping that they wouldn't have to forcefully stop Spike; he was in no shape to be taken down.

The plan had worked when Spike saw Ed coming from the other side he had turned to run in another direction and he was faced with Jules, he quickly turned searching for a direction to run, when he realised he was surrounded he sighed and began to cry and then looked at Ed and decided there was a big enough gap and made a run for it but Ed knew his plan and managed to grab him, he didn't really want to though, he could hear Spike screaming in pain as Ed wrapped his arms around Spike's chest.

Spike shouted out in pain as the tears flooded out of his eyes, he screamed for Ed to let go it was only when Greg screamed at Ed "Ed let him go, his ribs" when he finally released Spike as he did Spike took off again, he only managed to make it to the gates before he collapsed onto the floor as he clenched his jaw waiting for the pain to subside, Greg could hear the deep breaths Spike was taking, he didn't want to have him hurt but he knew Ed had to grab him, he looked at Ed and saw the guilt. The team could see Spike from where they were standing "Wait here, I'll go talk to him"

Greg bent down and placed a hand on Spike's back "Deep breaths Spike, it's going to be ok"

"Don't touch me" Spike growled back as he jolted away from Greg's touch which made him shout out in more pain, the team could witness what was going on and felt the pain seeing what their team mate was going through.

Slowly Spike pulled himself up onto his knee's he still had his hand on his ribs, his face shining under the moonlight as it reflected of the tear stains running down his cheeks "Please just leave me alone, just go." Greg was finding it hard to listen to Spike as he cried out his words.

Greg sat down and leant against the brick wall whilst Spike still sat on his knee's cradling his ribs in the entrance of the cemetery "Ed didn't mean to hurt you Spike, he's just worried we all are"

Greg was sure if Spike bit his lip any harder he was going draw blood, his whole face was tense as his eye brows were furrowed he watched as Spike slowly adjusted so his legs were stretched out in front of him as he began taking deeper breaths, Greg wanted to take him to the hospital but he knew he had to get him to stop feeling scared.

"What made you leave the hospital Spike? I was going to look after you?"

"Back off Greg" Spike put a fiery gaze on Greg, but all Greg could see was fear and pain.

"Mind telling me why you were running Spike?" Greg tried to look into Spike's eyes but he wouldn't lift his head.

"Please, just let me go, I promise I will go home" Spike pleaded.

"No Spike, you keep making promises that you won't keep, now I know that's not something the Spike I know would do, the Spike I knew made a promise to Winnie not to leave her she's been waiting at the station, she's still there if you want to come with us we could talk about it there" Greg noticed how that got Spike's attention the slight flicker in his eyes, it was harsh card to play but he knew how much Winnie meant to Spike.

"I've let her down, I've let you down!" Spike rubbed his face "How can you not see that I'm no good here?" he started shouting at Greg.

When he started shouting the team started to edge closer, Spike saw them slowly edging closer he attempted to get up but the pain of his ribs wouldn't allow it, he collapsed and screamed out again, Greg put his hand up to the team telling them to not come any closer.

"Spike, we don't have to talk now but can we please get you to a hospital"

"Why do you keep trying to help me? You're setting yourself up for trouble; they will be back boss I know it, they are probably watching right now!"

"Spike, we've known you over 5 years and you expect us to drop you at the first sign of trouble?" Greg tried to hide his frustration and keep sincere.

"It's hardly trouble it's some giant ball of mess that spiralling out of control" He looked at Greg this time his eyes were dark "they will be back boss and you know what they say, third time lucky and all that"

Greg looked at Spike and that sounded like a line Spike would use when he was making a joke of a situation but Greg could tell he wasn't joking there was no trace of humour on his face, only fear and pain.

"I know your scared Spike."

Spike didn't say anything, just let the tears role, he did look at Greg for a second though before he closed his eyes.

"You hate not knowing who shot you or where they are and you can't stand the thought of not knowing if they're going to come back" Greg knew he was hitting the nail on the head when Spike began shaking his head.

"Stop, just shut up… please"

"Look at me Spike" Greg was slowly beginning to get through to him. Spike looked up and caught his gaze, it killed Greg to see him like this hunched over in pain, his eyes masked with tears his hair damp with sweat, his clothes dirty. "Wouldn't you rather face this with people who are going to stand by you, rather than go it alone?"

"When they do come back for me Greg and they will, how would I ever live knowing one of you got killed cause of my faults because of what I have done wrong?" Spike was staring straight at Greg.

"Spike, how do you think we'd all feel knowing you got killed because we left you alone to wait for them to kill you, knowing there was something we could do to prevent it?"

Spike shook his head "it's not same Greg and you know it!"

Greg raised his voice just enough to grab Spike's attention "It's exactly the same Spike, you're going to sit there and tell me how you'd feel guilty and that's ok but you don't want to listen when we try and tell you were here and we are more than willing to help you get through this, so stop rejecting us and let us help you!"

"It's not that simple Greg!"

"Yes it is Spike"

Greg stood up, he watched as Spike shuffle back a bit it was killing him to see how scared Spike was "Spike I promise you we will help you through this, all of us together, but you have to help us too, and I promise you if you come with me now, you don't have to talk not until you're ready but at least if your with us I know you safe, your stuffs at mine ready…" Greg crouched in front of Spike he didn't seem to shuffle as much "I'm begging you here Spike, please." Greg held out his hand to Spike.

Spike looked at Greg and then at the team before he slowly rose his hand to meet Greg's, Greg smiled he finally had a tiny break through; he slowly pulled Spike up to his feet careful not to knock his ribs again.

Greg took Spike to the hospital promising the others he'd inform them of any damage and that they should go home and rest, once at the hospital they found it was just a knock nothing serious it just seemed worse because they were already bruised and damaged.

When Greg showed Spike to his room, he watched as Spike stood dead still staring at the bed, Greg knew better than to touch his shoulder at the moment so he just sighed before he said "It will get better Spike" Spike just turned his head to acknowledge him before he went over to the bed and started searching through his bag, Greg left the room as he closed the door, he walked into the kitchen as he sat down into one of the chairs and placed his head in hands.


	26. Stupid crush

Greg didn't get much sleep, he couldn't resist getting up and checking on Spike throughout the night, he wanted to know he was there and safe. It was the 5th time he was about the check on Spike when he heard Spike gasping for air, he slowly opened the door as he witnessed Spike tossing and turning as he drenched in his own sweat.

Greg slowly walked over to him sighing at the state of the usually happy Spike, he put his hands on Spikes shoulders as he tried to bring him back round "Spike buddy, it's just a dream" he began to shake him a little "Spike, wake up!" his voice was a little stern, as Spike continued to toss and turn "Spike" Greg shouted which eventually did wake him up.

Spike jumped up, sitting straight up as he rubbed his face and then put his hand through his hair, he could feel how wet it was and how sticky his hand had become, he looked at Greg as he became teary, he didn't want to talk about it, it's what he feared the most, that eventually he'd have no team, that they all would die because of him.

When Spike just sat there and didn't speak Greg spoke up, his voice a little softer "Spike, why don't we go get something to eat? I can cook up some pancakes" Greg knew he hadn't eaten since he left; he was becoming more concerned for his health as the days went on.

Spike just nodded as he pulled the blankets of him and stood up, he waited for Greg to lead the way before he began walking towards the kitchen. When Greg was rummaging through his cupboards for the ingredients he took a quick glance at Spike, he was leaning on the table his fingers interlaced together and his hands put out in front of him, his head was tilted a little as he stared at no particular area of the table, Greg could see the bags under his eyes. Greg sighed as he continued to rummage, at the moment to Greg, Spike looked like a zombie.

15 minutes later Greg had served the pancakes and placed a plate in front of Spike before sitting opposite him, with his own. Greg looked at Spike again before looking at his plate "Not hungry, buddy?" Spike didn't answer him; he just held the fork in his hand as he scraped over one of the pancakes "I know you haven't eaten in a while." Spike didn't answer him again, but he did take a small bite, which eased Greg's nerves a bit.

2 hours later Spike was back in his room without a word to Greg still, Greg wasn't taking it personally, he had told Spike in his own time but it didn't stop him becoming more worried about him, Greg had to go to work, and he decided it was best Spike come to the SRU, but he wasn't allowed on duty yet so Greg set him up some tasks including updating Babycakes.

Team 1 was on a call when Spike went to the basement to attend to his robot friend, he was searching through the tool box when he heard the door open, he looked up and when he saw Winnie he quickly went back to searching through his tool box.

"Hey Spike, do you have a second?" Winnie looked at him pleadingly.

He just shook his head as he continued to look through the box, he'd found what he was looking for but he couldn't bear to look into her eyes, he just wanted her to go and leave him alone, he couldn't understand why people wouldn't leave him alone.

"Spike, I think we need to talk, I'm not mad at you, I understand but I just want you to know that I'm still here and I still want us…I want this" she said pointing between them both, he'd been avoiding her texts and calls and when he walked in to SRU, he wouldn't even look at her.

"Why would you want me Winnie?" His voice was low, it's the first time he's formed a sentence since Greg had brought him home from the graveyard.

"Cause I know you Spike and I know you'll get through this…you always do." He was looking into her eyes now.

"And if I don't?" He was being deadly serious as he looked at her.

"You will, we will work at it together" she smiled a little as she ducked her head.

Spike just shook his head "Just leave Winnie" Spike returned his attention to babycakes.

"Spike, I will he-"

"Leave Winnie now, I don't like you like that, it was a stupid crush and I'm over it now, I'm sorry I pushed at you for it but now I realise I don't want it, so go!" Spike was shouting, Spike couldn't bring himself to say you; it was hard enough saying 'it' because he knew it was all a lie.

Winnie was shocked, she loved Spike and she truly believed him when he said he loved her too, her head kept relaying the day he was leaving, how he said 'it's you, it's always been you' and now he's just said it was a stupid crush he was over, she let the tears role freely as she thought about how her and Spike always knew how to help each other, but she was finding it impossible to even talk to him at the moment, she didn't say anything for a while, just stared at him before she spoke.

"Bye, Spike" She whispered, Spike could hear every ounce of sadness in her voice, he could hear all those hidden meanings of what 'bye' actually meant they all crossed his mind as she said it, no more them, no more relationship, no more friendship, as she walked out Spike lifted his head to watch her walk out the door, when she was gone only then did he let his true feelings show as he too started crying as he launched the spanner he had in his hand towards the wall in frustration.

As Winnie walked out of the doors of the basement she reached the main floor, she tried to wipe away her tears as she saw team 1 walking through the door, Greg noticed her crying but didn't want to pick up on it in the middle of the SRU, he watched as she run to the women's locker room, Greg turned his head to Ed and shook his head in disbelief, he couldn't bring himself to say it but he knew Spike was spiralling out of control.

Jules ran into the changing rooms when she saw Winnie crying, she walked in and found Winnie sitting down staring at the lockers in front of her, letting the tears role down her cheeks.

"Hey Winnie, what wrong?" Jules saw drawing her into a hug.

"I know he's struggling Jules, but he was so mean, it wasn't him in there Jules, I just want Spike back." Winnie sobbed into Jules shoulder.

"What did he say Winnie?" Jules was a little bit annoyed at the state Spike had Winnie in.

"That is was some stupid crush that he's over now" She let out another sob "and how he's sorry he pushed me for it but he doesn't want it anymore."

"Shh…Winnie it's ok" Jules didn't know what to say to Winnie, because she herself didn't know who that guy was in there anymore. "Winnie I got to go debrief, and then I will back ok, less than 30 minutes."

Winnie just nodded "I'm going to get changed and head home anyway" she sighed.

"Ok, well you ring me, if you need too" Jules gave her one last hug before she went into the briefing room, she already decided that when they were done talking about the case she was going to bring up the on-going issue of Spike.


	27. I wouldn't be able to live

They'd just finish there debrief, when everyone was about to leave Jules cleared her throat, and everyone knew she was about to speak so they sat back down, she looked round at everyone's slightly quizzical looks on their faces, Greg stood up to close the door again but Jules motioned for him to leave it.

"Guys, it's about Spike, I can't cope with him being like this" She looked down.

Greg was slightly pleased someone had brought it up no one had spoken about it, he wanted to know how the team was coping with it, but he didn't want Spike to feel like he was going behind his back.

"We know Jules, I think we're all finding it hard" it was Ed who spoke up, which was agreed by everyone's nods.

"I just miss him!" Jules firmly put that across, she knew she was going to feel guilty for letting them know what he did to Winnie, but they all needed to know as this was way beyond anything Spike would usually do "I know you all knew Winnie was crying because of Spike, but it's so much worse than what we thought, he told her it was a stupid crush and how he is over it now" Jules looked down.

Greg just sighed, he couldn't cope hearing Spike talk like that, Spike wasn't nasty "He'll pull through; we just need to be patient with him."

"For how long Greg, it's been months!" Jules was beginning to cry.

"Jules, calm down, all we can do is be there for him, and when he's ready he will realise he has us" Sam put his hand on her shoulder.

"Why doesn't he know that already?" Jules wiped her cheek "How many times do we tell him before he realises?"

"Jules he's just scared at the moment, and in all fairness to him, he has all right to be" Greg's voice was soothed.

"I know Greg, obviously I know!" Jules got a little tempered "I just wish he'd let us help, I can stand seeing him like this, not him, not our Spike"

Everyone ducked there head a little it was all killing them all, Spike was usually the one keeping everyone going with wise cracks and silly jokes, but without him there it was tense and not many laughs where shared, especially whilst they knew he was going through a lot, it was Sam who spoke up next.

"I want him back too, we all do. Boss, could we not send him to some sort of counselling session, anything?" Sam was pleading with Greg.

"How well do you think that will go down?" Greg shook his head.

Everyone knew that Spike and counselling didn't mix he hated them, he found the councillors to be manipulative, making you say things when you don't want to, then writing on the their clipboard whilst you spill you heart out and before it's too late they've twisted your words, and make you sound like your depressed so you have to come back for more.

"We need to try something boss" Ed chipped in.

"I know Ed, I'm trying to talk to him, he doesn't want to know, he's scared and as much as he knows we will protect him, it doesn't stop him getting the nightmares" Greg looked down.

"He's having nightmares?" Sam chipped in.

"He had one last night." Greg sighed.

"And he doesn't talk to you about it?" Sam furrowed his eyebrows.

"He just doesn't talk" Everyone could hear the strain in Greg's voice "I woke him up, but didn't ask about it, I already told him when he's ready" Greg sighed "I asked if he wanted breakfast, he just stared blankly then walked into the kitchen, he isn't eating well either."

"We can't smother him, but he needs to know that no matter what happens, were here!" Sam said trying to be soothing.

"How many times are we going to say that? He won't listen to us Sam!" Greg regretted being so tempered but he just wants Spike to be ok.

"How do you know he's not listening?" Sam got a bit defensive "just because he's not responding doesn't mean he's not listening."

"I know…I'm sorry" Greg looked at his team "It's just getting to us all, we all need to just act normal until he feels he can be himself again."

Everyone nodded before Ed brought up the dreaded question.

"And if his family do come back for more?" Ed had a stern look on his face but Greg could see the worry.

"Then we will be prepared to protect Spike."

What the team hadn't realised was when they started their conversation; Spike was on his way to the locker room he stopped when he heard Jules say his name, he put his back against the wall as he listened to them discuss his situation, he couldn't lie it got to him to hear them talking about him, but he was more angry with himself whilst he was keeping his distance, he was putting them through more pain.

What really got to him was the repeats of 'I want Spike back' and 'I miss him' he had tears in his eyes as he listened to the people he loved the most try and work out ways to help him, as much as Spike hated being baby sat 24/7 by Greg he understood his reason, and he did feel a bit safer but he also knew he wasn't going to let his team die for him, and if that meant keeping his distance then he would do it, however whilst he listened his heart ached more for them, so he decided he'd be more responsive but he wasn't prepared to let them in, it just meant more baggage for them.

Spike quickly walked to the lockers when he heard them all getting up, and immediately began getting ready to go back to Greg's, he didn't want them knowing he heard so he tried to make it look like he'd been in there a while. He grabbed his stuff and went to wait by the elevator he didn't really want to face them just yet, he wanted what he heard too sink in, and he wasn't sure what to make of it completely.

He was standing by the elevator slowly pacing when saw Jules walking towards him, he gave a weak smile but it was hardly recognisable, she stopped in front of him eyes furrowed, she knew this wasn't going to end well but she needed him to know.

"I spoke to Winnie." She just blurted it out like it was nothing.

"Jules not now" he sighed.

"So when Spike? You won't talk" she wasn't giving up, if the others wouldn't push she would, she was fed up.

He didn't say anything just stared at the ground, he didn't realise how much he was hurting them, and he didn't mean to. He thought it was for the best, if his family thought he had no one they'd only come after him.

"You see! She was sobbing when I found her"

"Jules, I don't want to know" Spike was getting tempered as he began to raise his voice.

"You don't care she was crying? Because of what you said!" she shouted back.

"Of course I care!" His eyes began to tear up.

The shouting was echoing through the halls, bringing the rest of the team out to witness the confrontation, Greg was debating whether in intervene when Ed put hand on his shoulder "He needs this Greg." Greg nodded and stood with the rest of team 1 and watched.

"You got a funny way of showing it, telling her it was a stupid crush, and that you're over it!"

"I didn't mean it like that, I just needed her to leave me alone Jules."

"She doesn't want that Spike? She loves you and I'm pretty sure you told her you love her, or was that just a lie?" Jules eyes were furrowed she felt a tad bad, but she was fuming with how unreasonable he was being, she watched his gaze land on her, she saw nothing but fury and pain.

"Of course I love her, I always have, nothing's changed, but you don't know what it's like, my whole life has been ripped apart by the people who are supposed to love me the most. You haven't had your friends and second family threatened. I sit there every day waiting for my family to come back and kill someone I deeply care about, someone who I would give my life to protect Jules, which as it stands is any of you guys, including Winnie" He pinched the bridge on his nose, trying to contain his anger before he looked at the ground "I hate the fact that any day, anyone one of you could die because of me, I hate knowing one of those people could be Winnie, and that is why I said those things to her!" he looked up and locked eyes with Jules "If I can just get her to stay away from me, then I can protect her, she could leave and never see me again, they wouldn't be able to find her and she'd be safe, because if they ever killed her Jules, I wouldn't be able to live myself." Spike couldn't stand there any longer he took of down the stairs, thought it would be a quicker exit.

The team stood there wide eyed at Spike last sentence, it hit Greg the most, he knew Spike was struggling but not once did he ever expect Spike to even consider ending his life, before anyone said anything Greg took off running after Spike.


	28. The attempt

Spike knew running away again wasn't going to help, he didn't want the team to panic and start looking for him, but he just wanted the nightmare to end, he was crying as he walked down the street leading away from the barn but he didn't care who saw him, he didn't want to pretend to be ok when he wasn't, he was sick of pretending that he was happy.

Greg was running round all the street's becoming more and more frustrated as he couldn't find Spike, Greg went back into the SRU after half an hour "Suit up, I don't trust him to be alone at the moment, let's find him" with that immediately everyone was ready and out looking for him.

Spike went back to his father's grave at the moment, that's where he found peace he couldn't understand why though; his father was to blame for all of this. He sat there and twiddled with the bottle that was in his hands.

"I know your listening Dad, I know how disappointed you are with me because I never listened to you, it's what I wanted though, and you at least understand that right?" Spike continued to look at the bottle "I don't understand why people can't leave me alone, for a split second I had everything I wanted, my team and Winnie, that's all I ever wanted and yet again you've ruined it, you're dead and your still managing" Spike scoffed shaking his head "How do you do it?"

"When Antonio told me about who wanting me dead, I refused to believe it, thought my dad wasn't that nasty, he would never wish his son dead, but then ma told me and you wouldn't believe how much that hurt." Spike was wiping his eyes finding it hard to see through his tears "but if there coming back and I can't protect the team, then I guess I'm going to give you what you want."

Spike started unscrewing the bottle of prescription drugs he's received for his rips, he poured way over the average dosage and held the tablets in his had he stared down at them, letting the tears role, he bought them up to his mouth and threw them in as he picked up his beer bottle and took the tablets his hand shaking as he did it, he downed the bottle and threw it next to him.

"Not long now Dad, I'll be there with you" Spike was full on crying "I really didn't want to do this but I refuse to let my team die for me because of you, and now I'm ready."

Greg was frantically looking for Spike, he didn't want him going back down that road of not talking, Greg checked Spike's house, his house and then Lou's grave over all it took him 2 hours to search all these places, when it finally clicked to him that he may have gone to his father's grave again, Greg was the closest one, but he was still 30 minutes out, he got into his car and rushed towards the cemetery.

Spike began to feel really tired as he was sitting by his father's grave it had been 1 hour now since he took the tablets; his head began to swim as he slowly started swaying he could feel the sweat dripping down his face, he kept closing his eyes and slowly opening them again as he was slipping in and out of conciseness, he suddenly became really hot as he leant over and threw up all over the grass, he then laid down his head resting against the grass, as he waited to die, he wasn't scared anymore, he was ready, he knew what it meant, it meant his team would be safe, that was Spike's last thought as he became unconscious.

Greg had made it to the Cemetery in just under 30 minutes he run straight to Spike's dad's grave, when he got there he felt his heart drop into his stomach as he saw Spike lying there lifeless, he refused to believe he was dead, he screamed into his ear piece for Ed to get EMS, as he sprinted over to Spike, he lay him on his back and started throwing beer on his face from Spike's bottles he had left, he eventually brought him back round as Greg rolled him over onto his side "Sorry, buddy I've got to do this" Greg stuck his fingers in Spike's mouth, making him gag, he continued until Spike was throwing up, Spike lay there throwing up all over the grass and Greg rubbed his back, Greg bit back the tears, he knew Spike needed him to be strong.

Greg could hear the team asking what happened over the coms.

"Greg, tell us now?" Ed demanded after a while.

Greg continued to stoke his back, he was trying his hardest not to say it, he didn't want to believe it but it was confirmed when he saw the empty bottle of medication lying next to Spike. "He overdosed Ed." Greg sighed.

There was round of muttered curses through the coms and then dead silence, no one knew what to say, it was finally becoming realistic of how serious Spike's problem was, it wasn't just a family feud, he wasn't just stress, it wasn't just about protecting the team, he was pushed to his limit where he found the safest option was death.

It all happened so fast, the ambulance arrived and had him strapped up and rushed to hospital when he started coughing up blood, he wasn't responsive but he was awake which was good a sign, when they got him to the hospital he was wheeled of without a word to Greg, 30 minutes later the team strolled it, it was going to be another long night.


	29. Why'd he do it?

The team had been waiting for 4 hours, without a spoken word, everyone was speechless, Greg gave in and was crying for the most of the 4 hours, and Jules had guilt written all over her face, she knew she was the one that pushed him over the edge no matter what anyone says, she was the reason he could have died. Ed just set his gaze on the floor, his jaw tense as he held in his tears the best he could, Sam had his elbows resting on his knee's as he hung his head low, and he was also holding back the tears. It was hard on them all and no one knew how to comfort one another.

"Michelangelo Scarlatti" The doctor announced in the waiting room, Greg stood up dried his eyes.

"Yeah, were here, how's he doing?" Greg voice was groggy.

The doctor could see the pain in their eyes so got straight to it. "We had to pump his stomach, he was in a bad way as it was already taking affect, because he had the tablets with alcohol which speeds up the process, but we managed to get all his vitals going again and he should make a full recovery, he took a large dosage of Codine, which are the painkillers we subscribed to him for his ribs, he is going to be sore for a while, because whilst pumping his stomach the tube was inserted down his throat." The doctor looked at ground then back up at the team "As for his ribs we understand there still healing and are sore, but we can't give him anymore painkillers whilst in his mind set, however he can come for frequent check-ups and we ourselves can see if he is able to take painkillers, other than that he should be fine, however I will recommend him to physiatrist"

"No need we have a personal one for the SRU." Greg interrupted; the doctor just nodded and smiled "Can we just see him, please?" Greg sounded tired and fed up.

"Yes, but before you go in you should know that he is hooked up to a double IV of potassium and Sodium Chloride as we need to rehydrate his body and regulate his blood chemistry, he is also getting help breathing for the time being has the medication he took is supressing his breathing." He looked directly at Greg "We chose to put restraints on him, as he is still unconscious, we will evaluate the state of mind he is when he is awake, and then see whether it is necessary to keep the, on."

"He's not an animal, you're not restraining him!" Greg got tempered, he felt Ed's hand on his shoulder whilst he told him to chill out, and Greg just shoved his hand off as he glared at the doctor.

"Sir I can assure you we don't see are patients as animals, it's purely procedure for his own safety." The doctor remained calm as Greg ignored him.

"Would you like me to guide you to his room now?" Greg nodded as he rubbed his hand over his face, it had been a tough day on them all, but he couldn't get the image out of his head, Spike lying there, and he couldn't shake the memory of thinking for the first 30 seconds that they had lost Spike.

As they entered the room Greg didn't look at him until he was stood beside his bed, he needed something to hold on to, Jules didn't even make it passed the door frame before she collapsed into a puddle of tears, Sam quickly caught her as he hugged her, he too was crying at what he could see, it wasn't Spike, it was some man in Spike's body, Ed just stood there if it wasn't for the pulse in his neck anyone would think he was a statue, it wasn't stopping his emotions showing though his eyes were covered in tears.

The doctor gave them a moment to take in the condition of their friend before he spoke up. "He should be out for a while, he will be under a 24-48 hour suicide watch, he will need his gun taken away, and if someone could to do a check of his house, everything removed that could allow him to cause harm to himself" Greg glared at him, the doctor faltered "Sir you should know it's all procedure, I don't make the rules."

"He isn't going to harm himself again as soon as he is out, he's living with me!" Greg's tone was bitter.

"I understand how you feel si-"

"No you don't." This time it was Ed, he was still staring at Spike when he said it, didn't even take a glance at the doctor.

The doctor stood there for a second unsure of how to approach the situation "I will have a form ready with all the information for you, it will state where everything gets taken from here, if there are any question's please don't hesitate to ask." With that the doctor eased out of the door.

All that was left in the room was the team surrounding Spike and all the machines, and the beeping from the heart monitor.

"Why'd he do it?" Greg whispered everyone turned their head to him, as they witnessed Greg turn into an emotional wreck on the floor, which only caused Jules to cuddle further into Sam as she soaked his top, Ed just witnessed it all as he slowly walked over to Greg and bent down to his level, he placed a steady hand on his shoulder. "We need to be strong now, buddy."

Later that night, Spike's eye's slowly opened as he heard the tapping noise outside, he looked about and realised that he was alone in his room and had no idea what woke him up from his deep sleep; he looked down over the end of the bed and froze. There was a man outside looking in as he walked slowly past his door, he looked in horror as the man gives him a smirk and continued walking. Spike could feel his heart racing, the cold sweat running down his neck and back - the man looked like Antonio - he needed to get out and fast.

He pulled at the restraints that were loosely around his wrists, he tugged and started to hyperventilate as the man walked past the door again, this time wearing a white coat that looked like a lab jacket; he pulled tighter and tighter on the restraints - his heart beating through his chest and he felt like he was going to be sick. He leaned back against the pillows and tried to calm himself, he couldn't catch his breath.

He watched as the door burst open and a team of medics run into the room as an alarm blared from the corridor, he saw everything in slow motion and could distantly hear the doctor in charge telling him to slow his breathing down and not fight the medication they are giving him to relax, he looked at the door window of his room and he saw the man, he saw Antonio waving at him.

The doctor grabs his face and stared right into him, Spike's eyes rolled back into his head as he felt an oxygen mask being placed over his face and the doctor ordering more sedatives.


	30. I just wanted to talk

The next day Spike began to stir; he woke up and found himself in the same room, with the same beeping noise, the same white walls, he tried to move his arms but was stopped, he could feel the restraints around his wrists, he rested his head back on his pillow as he began to cry as the memories came flooding back to him, he didn't know what to feel, all he knew is he should be dead.

He heard the team outside talking, he could hear the stern voice of the doctor "You can't see him, we need to give him time to come to terms with things" he heard Greg next, couldn't work out what he said but the doctors voice was deep and boomed through the walls "He was asleep then, he is conscience now, give him time before he sees you." He zoned out and stopped listening as he turned his head to look out the window.

He didn't really understand why everyone kept telling him it would get better, he just tried to commit suicide and let his team down, he couldn't see anyway of this getting better. He looked down at the restraints around his wrist, desperately wanting to take them off but knew it was impossible, he heard the door open but didn't even bother to turn his head to look, just assumed it was the doctor.

"Hey, Spike" He froze, he didn't want talk to anyone, but he could hear the pain and guilt, he could feel edge closer towards the bed, he didn't turn his head for a long while, just let her stand there, he didn't want to talk but eventually he turned his head and stared into her eyes.

"Spike, I am so sorry, I honestly never meant for it to lead to this" Jules burst out into tears, quickly followed by Spike "If I had known how serious you was hurting, I would have never gone that far, I just wanted you back with us all, they we all were!"

Spike didn't say anything but continued to stare at her, she took this as sign that he was listening so continued.

"I know it was none of my business, and I really do regret pushing you, but where have you gone Spike, we want you back and we want to help, please don't ever feel like ending your life will help us in any way, I can't begin to comprehend what you have been through but please know that pushing us away isn't the answer either!" Jules sighed "I just want you to know how sorry I am, I never meant for this to happen."

Spike didn't say anything for a while and Jules was about to leave when she saw his mouth open a little bit and then close, she ducked her head, as he looked at his hand and then he finally spoke.

"This has nothing to do with you said" His voice was low, everything about his voice seemed drained and fed up.

"If it wasn't me, then why did you do it?" Jules asked.

"I don't want to talk about it" He said looking back out the window.

"Spike, please just help us out a little here, we want to help" She stepped forward but knew better to touch him.

"I don't deserve your help, I've let you all down again, please just leave Jules" Just then Spike looked up and there he was, his face in the small square window of the door, his eyes shot open, his breathing became faster, Jules could see the dramatic rise his chest was taking at the intake of his breaths and how fast he was breathing.

"Spike, calm down!" She stood in front of him "Deep breaths, slow it down."

He could hear Jules but his face was focused on the door, as he saw Antonio standing there, no a trace of emotion on his face it was serious, he could see the glare from Antonio and when his eyes were still locked on Spike he gave an evil smile, Spike gripped the railing as he tried to bring his breaths down, the doctor shot through the door again and tried his hardest to relax Spike without having to give him medication, another doctor shot in as they pinned Spike down to the bed and eventually had him relaxing, the doctor spun round to Jules his glare was showing how annoyed he was.

"I told you not to come in here, he needed time!" His tone was stern.

"I just needed to talk to him, I'm sorry." She pleaded.

"You need to leave, now!" The doctor ordered her away, which she did , she didn't look at Spike as she left the room she didn't like to see him like that, he looked fragile as she left she realised what it was Spike was feeling, he felt ashamed of himself of what he'd done and that's why he believed he didn't deserve help from them. She tried to keep her emotions in check, but when she got to the car she broke down and rested her head on steering wheel as she cried.

The doctor did some checks on Spike; once he was done he noted some stuff down on his clipboard before speaking.

"Spike, you seem to be doing much better now, except for the panic attacks, do you know what causes them?"

"Nothing…I..er" He really didn't want to discuss it with anyone. "I just found it hard to breathe, I'm good now" Spike just wanted to go home "Can you please get these things of my wrists."

"Tomorrow morning we will, you are able to leave then, but you are staying with Sargent Greg Parker, he has set up for you to see a physiatrist with the SRU, that you will see every day for 1 week and then we slow it down from there until they feel you're ready to go it alone, you start tomorrow, your first appointment is at 6:30, just remember take it day by day."

Spike ducked his head, he didn't want to see a physiatrist, he just wanted to go home and rest, he knew it would never be aloud they'd think he was going to kill himself again, he knew he wouldn't, he knew that he regrets it but only because of what it put the team through, he would never want to put his team through that again, he felt ashamed of himself.


	31. I'm scared

The next morning when they released Spike from his restraints he never felt more relieved, although he knew it meant that he was heading to Greg's, it had was only 9:00 and his appointment with Dr Marcus Williams wasn't until 6:30, he never understood why they called them doctors because they're not doctors, to him there strangers that find out every detail you intend to keep quiet about your life.

Spike was changing into his street clothes when he stopped by the window and looked out onto the city; it brought him back memories on when he and his family first moved to Toronto.

_Spike was only 5 and Antonio was 9, they were only just settled into their new house, Spike was sitting in his room reading a comic book, when his brother walked into his room, when Spike looked up Antonio noticed his brother had been crying._

_"Hey…Michelangelo, what's wrong" Antonio wrapped a protective arm around Spike._

_"What if I don't fit in, all my friends are in Italy and I don't know anyone here" Spike let out, in a sob._

_"Hey" Antonio lifted Spike's chin so he was looking at him "Your amazing little bro, and everyone will love you, because you have a heart of gold" he then laughed "and if they don't warm up straight away, you'll just bug them until they do anyway." He smiled and then pulled him into a secure embrace._

_They parted and Antonio face went serious "I'm always here for you; I would do anything for you Michelangelo." _

_"And so will we…that applies to both of you" Spike's parents walked in to the room and hugged them both "We are so proud of the both of you."_

Spike turned around to find Greg standing in the door way, Greg gave him a very small smile before he turned away and looked at the ground, Spike bent down and picked up his duffle as he walked past Greg, neither have spoken to each other since Spike woke up, however every time Spike looks at Greg he sees the pain and grief in his eyes, it makes his stomach turn when he realises that's all because of him.

After all the last paper work and final check up's they were able to leave, Spike still feels the awkwardness of when the doctor pulled Greg to one side, he heard the doctor say make sure he can't harm himself and keep him in your site at all times, he just looked down, wished people would stop treating him like a child. Greg and Spike pulled into the drive and Greg walked Spike to the room he'd been staying in previously, when Spike looked in, it hadn't changed since he left, the bed was unmade and his clothes where still scattered around. He looked at Greg, they stared awkwardly for a while and then Greg walked out of the room.

Spike sat on the bed and buried his face in his hands, he didn't really know how to talk to the team, he felt embarrassed, he wouldn't off tried to end his life if he thought they were safe, he knew Greg was annoyed with him but he didn't know what to do, he didn't feel like talking, he didn't want them to feel the blame.

It was later that day when Greg finally spoke up, it was at the dinner table, Greg had cooked some chicken with salad for lunch, he was staring down at his food, debating what piece to actually eat and then decided none because that's when he looked up and started talking.

"30 seconds…" Greg was just staring at Spike.

Spike looked up and was staring but Greg his eyebrow knotted together.

"That's how long I thought it for" Greg eyes were getting watery.

Spike just proceed to look confused, he didn't like where this was going.

Greg just sighed "For the slowest 30 seconds of my life, I got a glimpse of what it would be like if you were dead" he started crying by this point; he paused for a second before shaking his head. "I thought you were dead Spike."

Spike just sat there, he didn't know what to say, he could keep saying he was sorry but he would be lying, he wasn't sorry he tried to kill himself, he knew it would protect them, but he was sorry for the pain he caused but had no intention of causing.

"Why won't you talk Spike?" Greg was screaming from the top of his lungs, all his frustration burst out of him, he couldn't take it any longer, and it was killing him seeing him like this. Spike jumped at the sudden change. "We are trying so hard, we want to help you, but you're shutting us out and we don't want you too and then you go and try and kill yourself." Greg jumped up and threw his plate at wall, Spike watched as it shattered into pieces on the floor. "Why Spike? Why would you do that to us?"

Spike had his hands on his lap, he had nearly drawn blood clenching his fist as Greg screamed at him; he looked up at the man standing before him - the man he trusted with his life.

"I'm scared..." he whispered his voice crackled.

Greg looked down at him and leaned against the wall, trying to calm the storm in his heart.

"We all are - look what your own flesh and blood has done to you! You don't eat or drink, you hardly sleep and the nightmares…Spike" Greg stopped, and took a deep breath "my god the nightmares, what the hell did he do to you?"

Spike shook his head; tears filled his eyes, his lips caught between his teeth. Greg crouched down in front of him and put his head in his hands "You are my son, I promise you I will protect you till the day I die, but please don't you ever give up on me!" Greg drew him into a hug as he ended up comforting Spike on the floor "I love you Michelangelo, and don't you ever forget it!"

Spike spent the remainder of his time in his room, he knew 6:30 was drawing closer, he didn't want to go, he would do anything to get out of it, although he knew it would mean a lot to everyone if he at least tried, which is what he promised himself he'd do, not for him but for them.

Spike was in the waiting area outside Dr Marcus Williams' office, Greg was sitting next to him, he didn't like the fact that Greg had to come, but it was protocol so he couldn't blame him.

"Michelangelo is it? Hi, I'm Dr Marcus Williams but you can just call me Marcus" he went to shake his hand but Spike just sat there staring at the man, he didn't know him and he definitely didn't trust him.

Greg noticed Spike staring and stood up "Hey Marcus, nice to meet you, shall we get this started."

Spike just looked down and walked into the room, then sat in one of the chairs placed by the window as Marcus sat opposite him. Greg was in a chair a little further away, so he could observe without intervening.

Marcus began the session straight away "So Michelangelo, how are feeling?"

Spike just looked at him, he wasn't sure how to put it into words, he was silent but all he wanted to do was scream. Spike looked out the little window it led to the car park, he noticed it was pretty much empty, Greg's car and then two others, he looked away and suddenly looked back at one of the cars, right by the door he was there again, Antonio was staring right through the window, the same grin from the previous two times, Spike's heart started beating twice as fast, Greg saw the early signs and began to try and calm him down, once he was calm Spike got up from the chair, and walked out of the office and proceeded to run for the toilets as he threw up.


	32. Their here

The next day Spike woke up from a nightmare gasping, he was glad Greg got him out of the Dr Williams office after his miniature panic attack, being in there wasn't helping him stay calm at all, and right now it's the reason he's having a nightmare, it was exactly what happened, except Antonio was by the car one minute, then right in front of him with the gun the next, his family were surrounding him and clapping as Antonio went to shoot him in the head.

As he lay there gasping for air there was something about that dream that made him think of him and his brother, when his brother was a teenager and Spike was just his kid brother.

_Antonio was 16 and just got his first car, his parents were so proud he'd managed to afford it all by himself, Spike was 12 and just finishing school he walked out and had a bloody nose and a cut lip, he tried to clean them up the best he could, but it was still obvious, he heard a loud horn in the car park and chose to ignore until it was continuing a little more violently, he looked up to see what was going on, he can still remember the smile the spread across his lips._

_"Antonio, what are you doing?" He ran up to car forgetting about his face._

_"Woahh…What the hell happened to your face?" _

_"Ahh nothing, was in the gym, got a bit busted" he smiled reassuringly his little cheeks showing his dimples._

_His brother shut of the engine off and was out the car in the next second, he put his hand under Spike's chin checking the damage._

_"Swear down on my life Michelangelo, don't you dare lie to me." _

_Spike looked down at his feet and then back up "I told you, I said I wouldn't fit in" he began to cry._

_Antonio dropped to Spike's height "How many off them?" he went all sincere._

_"5" Spike was crying as his brother brushed away his tears._

_"Come with me" he followed his brother almost running beside him there was a bit of height difference, his legs were too short to keep up with his brother, his brother charged into the gym._

_"Hey" 5 boys, the same age as Spike, but a lot bigger all spun round eyes wide with fear "See him, well he's my little brother and if you're going to make him upset, that's going to make me upset, and trust me, you won't like it when I'm upset" He took a step forward "So I guess today was a one of disagreement that isn't going to happen again right."_

_Spike was sure he actually see a tear down one of the boys faces, he felt pride boom through his chest as he looked up at his brother, he adored his brother when he was younger, he remembered driving home with him after that and telling his mum everything, but he wasn't sad anymore he was bouncing around as he told them about his hero brother, he remembered seeing his Dad nod a thanks at his brother._

Spike sat up and let the tear role right of his cheek and hit the blanket, he missed what he had and the relationships he had with his family, it was all falling apart and he couldn't do anything about it his biggest fear was that it wouldn't end until the last man was standing, with the other one dead, he didn't want to kill his brother but if it come to it he knew he would, he had to protect his team.

The door creaked open and Greg's head popped round the corner when he noticed Spike quickly dry his eyes.

"Hey…" Greg's eyes softened on him.

Spike just looked up and gave the faintest smile, Greg walked over and sat on the bed, and he noticed as Spike shuffled over a bit, he understood that he wanted his space so backed off a tad as well.

"Your appointment is at 6:30 again today, you good to go?" Greg looked for any sign that displayed an emotional reaction, but Spike dropped his head enough so Greg couldn't see his face as he just nodded.

"What's causing the panic attacks Spike?"

"I don't know" He shrugged.

"Spike, don't you dare lie to me" and just then Spikes head snapped up, he was taken back to the thought of Antonio defending him, he realised now how his team was just defending him, it made him feel warm inside and as much as he felt a little reassured he wasn't willing to give it away to the team, he'd still rather they kept their distance, Kept themselves safe.

He sighed "I keep seeing…I…" Spike cried "Antonio is following me"

"WHAT?" Greg jumped up, eyes furrowed.

"He was in the hospital twice and then I saw him out of the window when we were at Dr Williams' session." He buried his face in his hands, he'd screwed up again, he felt the air being sucked from his chest as he tried to focus on his breathing.

"Spike why the hell didn't you tell us? He could have got you whilst we wasn't there…He cou-" It suddenly hit Greg, the reason Spike wasn't telling them "Spike no…no, we said we'd help you and were going to, I'm so glad you told me."

Greg sent out a message to inform the team he was on his way to SRU, he knew they were all there but he needed them all in the briefing room before he got there, Greg was speeding his way towards SRU, Spike was sitting in the seat next to him feeling even worse, he knew there was nothing he could do he already told the team, he wouldn't even be able to go the toilet without someone escorting him.

When Greg was ten minutes out his phone started ringing, it was Ed so he put it on loud speaker. "What is it Ed, were nearly there."

"Boss its Antonio and Spike's Ma…" Greg looked at Spike eyes furrowed then at the road again, Spike just stared at the phone waiting to hear what Ed had to say and then he said what he feared the most.

"Their here."


	33. Ma

Greg looked at Spike, he was starting to hyperventilate again and he could see his stomach start to spasm as the news sunk in, his life had come crashing down around him and it was going to end somewhere he always felt safe, in front of people he loved.

The moment Greg's car stopped in the car park, Spike was running over to the bin and violently throwing up, he couldn't face them right now, he was barely functioning and seeing the people who were meant to be his family, the people who wanted him dead, it would be his undoing.  
Greg moved gently beside Spike, checking his pulse as Spike heaved into the bin a second and third time, his skin pale and clammy, his breathing too fast and not deep enough and he could see the toll it was taking on his son. He wrapped his arms around Spike's shoulders and supported to him as he saw Sam run out of the garage; he was carrying the portable oxygen cylinder after spotting what was going on down in the car park.

Spike shifted suddenly and tried to crawl away from Greg and Sam, he clenched his eyes and fists tightly and tried to calm his breathing down, he could feel his heart trying to escape through his ribcage, could feel his soul start to die again, why did this have to happen?

Sam suddenly moved and pushed on the oxygen mask over Spike's face as he saw his friend start to collapse from lack of oxygen, Greg supported him from behind and they both soothed him as they delivered the precious air into his weak body; he closed his eyes and centered himself, he needed this to end, he needed to find a way.

"Buddy, you feeling a little better? You do not have to go in there, we can get you taken to hospital for a check" Greg whispered.

Spike sat up and looked at Greg, a flash of anger flooded his eyes and his boss' heart soared as he saw the fighter come back.

"This needs to end Greg, it's going to end today!" he hissed, ripping off the mask.

Spike wasn't the Spike they'd been seeing for the last couple of months, Greg could see a bit of fight and drive behind his piercing gaze. Greg rubbed his hand over his face before looking at Spike again.

"You'd said you'd be there for me Greg, now I'm asking you to be there for me, and let me do this!"

Greg didn't want him to, but he couldn't stop him either way he nodded and as Spike went to walk in Greg grabbed his arm "Get you gear on Spike, everything including your vest, you'll go up through the fire exit, you do not come in contact with either of them until your geared up you hear me?"

Spike nodded and Greg began talking into his ear piece.

"Right team you heard the plan, keep them calm whilst Spike gets ready, me and Sam are on our way up… be ready guys."

Everyone took off in their different directions.

10 minutes later and Antonio began getting angrier "Where is Michelangelo?" Antonio growled impatiently.

"I'm right here and this ends now Antonio!" a voice said loudly.

Everyone turned around and watched as Spike came out from the guys changing room, and slowly walked towards the group assembled by the dispatcher's desk.

He had made his way up the side entrance that was up the fire stairs and slipped in through the main door, he wasn't wearing any body armour, this needed to end today one way or another.

"Michelangelo, hiding behind your friends again I see, finally decided to come and face me like a man?" the cruel voice of his brother coaxed.

"This ends now, you and me Antonio! I'm man enough to admit I have faults and regrets for my actions but at least I may possibly die with a clean soul and not have the blood of my brother on my hands." Spike replied trying to sound calm.

"Ha, you call yourself a brother of mine?" Antonio spat out.

Spike looked at his Ma she looked angry and tense, she was glaring at Spike, both her hands planted down at her sides, Spike looked around and could see guns trained on her, he couldn't understand why, she was just standing there, Antonio was the problem, it was when Antonio spoke up he realised.

"Finish him off Ma, Me or him?" Antonio gave an evil glare.

His Ma's hands was shaking as she lifted her hand, she held a gun and pointed it directly at Spike, he could feel the pain ripping at his heart, he could feel his tears begin to well up as he looked at his Ma, he began shaking his head at her, it was when he saw Ed getting ready to take the shot he spoke up.

"Ma, wait…please, don't do this, you don't want to!" He pleaded.

He saw her eyes flicker to Ed; she looked scared for a split second before she became angry again.

"I'm your son, does not mean anything to you?" He cried out.

"Get it over with Ma, Look at him he's pathetic" Antonio egged on.

"My son? My son would have never left his Dad, not for this place, he would have been by his bedside looking after him." She had the gun still trained on Spike.

"What did you do to Ma to coerce her into shooting me huh?" Spike spat out at Antonio.

Before Spike could say anything else his Ma started screaming at him, the whole room tension went up to maximum.

"He hadn't done anything to me, he made me realise what you were, nothing but a disgrace to our family, I'm ashamed to tell people your my son Michelangelo, this is not who I raised you to be, I raised you so that you respect you parents."

Spike took a step forward only then did Greg realise Spike didn't put his vest on, he felt the fire burn his throat, as he stopped himself from throwing up, he'd put himself in a dangerous situation again and Greg didn't know if he could cope with round 3 of Spike nearly dying, the only difference was he may actually die.

"Ma, there was never a point in my life where I didn't respect you, and you know it, now can you just stop and really think about what your doing here!" Spike screamed at his Ma, he toned it down knowing shouting wouldn't help "I love you Ma, but I was old enough to make my decisions, just like you and Dad, remember the fall out between you and your parents before you moved here, but they still supported you right, how would feel if the people you love the most, were trying to kill you and the people you loved."

His Ma looked up, she stared straight into Spikes eyes, she could see the hurt behind them and the anger and she slowly began to lower her weapon as Spike took a slow step forward. Everyone was a little more settled, the weapon was not aimed at Spike or anyone else for the moment and the threat level had gone down a notch as Spike's Ma burst out into tears; she was so confused with what Antonio had shown her and proven to her and then her love for her Michelangelo. Spike stepped forward slightly and Antonio hissed at him, screaming at him as he saw he was getting through to his Ma.

"YOU ABANDONED OUR FATHER! YOU LEFT MA TO GRIEVE ALONE IN THE HOUSE WHILE YOU WENT OUT AND PLAYED SUPER HEROES WITH YOUR FRIENDS - YOU WERE NOTHING MORE THAN A MISTAKE!"

Spike stopped dead and blanched at the cruel words coming from his brother. He didn't know how to react to them and he looked at his mother who he wanted to comfort, he made a move towards her and then stopped dead as she raised the weapon again.

"Antonio is right Michel, you left me alone every day to deal with my sick husband, you left us alone when he was in hospital, you risked your life in that basement to disarm a bomb instead of comforting your family, YOU WERE A MISTAKE!" she screams at him as she raised the gun back up to him.

"Ma don-"

BANG!

The sound of a gun rang out through the air, as the room feel silent, not a soul moved as the continuous noise rang through their ears.

A small whisper broke the silence in the room.

"Ma…?"


	34. Not in a million years

Spike stood still, the realization had hit, he watched his mother's knee's buckle, watched her head hit the floor and bounce back up, just to fall back down lifelessly. He watched the gun she had slip from her dead fingers, watched it fall next to her as it laid in the pool of blood, the blood that was seeping from her skull, he watched in horror as the women who had raised him his whole life died.

He could feel his heart slowing down, could feel the cold sweat across his skin.

"Ma..."

It all happened in slow motion, Antonio fell down beside his mother and gripped at her head, begging her to wake up, screaming for her to come back to him. Spike stood still eyes wide open as he looked at the scene in front of him; he slowly walked over let the tears role of his face.

Antonio turned to Spike, giving him a spine chilling glare.

"THIS IS YOUR FAULT, AGAIN!" Antonio scream, still gripping at his Ma's face.

Spike edged forward, he wanted to be next to his Ma.

"Don't you dare come near her!" he hissed at his brother.

Only then did Antonio remember the gun.

Antonio pounced on it as Spike ran at him, Spike grabbed his brother round the waist as they slid away from their Ma; he hit him with such force they slammed into the concrete wall and both cried out as they hit the solid surface.

Spike managed to grab the gun, it was firmly held between the two of the, as they wrestled for control.

"ED, CAN YOU GET HIM" Greg screamed at Ed.

"SPIKE'S IN THE LINE OF FIRE." Ed screamed back, desperately trying to find a spot.

"JULES? SAM?" He screamed, eyes fixed on the brothers.

"NEGATIVE CLEAR SHOT." Sam screamed back.

Spike managed to hold on with one hand as he swung at Antonio face, Antonio faltered and Spike nearly had the gun, but Antonio quickly pointed it at him but Spike managed to dodge the bullet as it came shooting out; moving just in time and it hit the ceiling. Spike felt Antonio punch him in the side of the ribs twice, it felt worse than a normal punch, it winded him, but he knew he had to keep fighting.

Greg began to panic, he didn't know what to do, and he knew it was too dangerous to run in, there was a live gun in play he began ordering the team around, telling them where to go, to find the shot.

Eventually Spike managed to knock the gun out Antonio's hand, it rolled just out Antonio's reach, but he was back at punching Spike, this time Spike was screaming out in pain, he looked down and was punching Antonio as hard as he could, only then did Spike realize he had knife.

He wasn't being punched, he was being stabbed.

Spike looked down at his side, it was covered in blood and his white shirt was slowly being stained with his blood. He looked up at his brother with shock in his eyes as he grabbed Antonio's jacket and slowly sunk to his knees. The team didn't know what was happening as both brothers sunk to the floor and Antonio slammed Spike onto his back with a violent jerk of his wrists and climbed on top of him.

"Look beside you, you killed our mother, you are going to die now!" he whispered to Spike.

Antonio reached towards his mother and slipped the gun into his hands and stood up on shaky legs, he kicked Spike's side and he cried out as the blade was driven deeper into his lower abdomen. Antonio raised the weapon and as Spike looked up to see his brothers face, the silence in the room was shattered by a single gunshot.

Antonio landed on Spike.

The others ran over to them and dragged Antonio off their brother's broken body and gasped as they saw the knife wounds.

"WINNIE - EMS NOW!" Ed shouted.

Greg had ran for the First Aid kit from the Sickbay and Ed was kneeling beside Spike, trying to get him to respond since he was in obvious shock and the early stages of a full stage meltdown; he pressed his hands onto the worst of the four wounds and got Spike's attention.

"Hang on buddy, helps on the way, it's going to be okay!" he whispers.

Spike was jolted out of his blankness.

A single look at Ed and every single cell in his body leaped with the adrenaline rush as his hands shot up around Ed's neck and scissor kicked him to the side while rolling on top of him. He hammered his fists down on his friend and mentor, slamming hits everywhere he could manage with the strength he had left. Sam had no choice but to pull him off Ed before serious damage was caused, shocked that Ed did nothing to defend himself from the brutal attack; Spike struggled violently and Jules cried out as she saw the wound rip and the blood pour down his side.

"SPIKE STOP YOURSELF, YOU'RE INJURED!" Jules screamed out.

Sam slammed Spike against the wall and stared right into his eyes, he needed to get through to his friend, his brother, the one he openly called brother, one of the few people after his friend Matt he could truly call family.

"I'm sorry Spike, for the love of god I am so sorry!"

Spike's head was locked into staring at Sam.

"Let me go, just let me die!" he whispered, feeling the effects of the blood loss.

He felt the tightness of Sam's hands around him as he was lowered to the floor, as his team mustered around him and started trauma care.

"NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!"

The last thing Spike saw before blackness claimed him was the look on Greg's face, it was pure agony.


	35. He wants to leave

His eyes slowly moved from left to right, his fingers twitched and he groaned lightly; he was fighting through the fog, trying to get back to his safe place when the pain hit him again and he gasped, eyes opening wide and a panicked strangled cry stuck in his throat. He tried to breathe through the onslaught of memories, tried to breathe through the sight of his family lying dead at his feet, he couldn't shake them and he started to shake.

"Why, for the love of god why?" he hissed through the pain barrier as he tried to move.

His body was killing him from the pain and memories of his team mate, his brother, shooting his Ma and brother. He couldn't begin to describe the burning fire in his heart, how he felt sick to his stomach; he didn't want to eat or drink, he definitely didn't want to see anyone. As much as he hated what his family was doing, he didn't want them dead, he knew with Antonio it was probably going to happen, but not his Ma.

He slowly moved his hands over his stomach and side, he felt the padded dressings over his wounds and groaned when he felt the small tube coming out of his ribs; he wanted out of here as soon as possible, he wanted away from the nightmares. His eyes shot open again as the door opened, he looked wildly at the curtains and relaxed slightly as he saw it was a doctor and a nurse team carrying what he assumed was his medications. Both stopped suddenly and smiled gently as they saw he was conscious again.

"Constable, welcome back to the living - how do you feel?" the doctor asked gently.

The nurse was busy checking the monitors and charts and Spike looked directly at the doctor.

"I want out of here, sign me out AMA if necessary, but I want to leave!" Spike said hoarsely.

The doctor looked down at him shocked, he knew with his injuries he was in no condition to move off the bed never mind out of the hospital. He clicked the wild determined look in his patient's eyes and sighed; he had been made aware of the events in the SRU, he had a feeling that he knew where this was going to go.

"I'm sorry Constable but that is against my better judgement, you are nowhere near strong enough to be released into home care and your medical rights were removed when you required extreme measures, Ed Lane and Greg Parker have full authority for your care now," the doctor replied.

Spike tried to sit up and both the nurse and doctor stopped him immediately, his heart rate was still too low for comfort and his lung was barely healing after the 5 days of being unconscious, he needed more time and more care.

"You cannot leave Constable, you have four serious deep stab wounds, one which collapsed your lung and caused you to go into distress in the SRU, your blood loss was severe and it's taken you five days to even wake up." the doctor hissed holding him down.

"I remove their authority, I have no next of kin, both of them are currently lying in the morgue because my so called NOK shot them in the head!" Spike hissed with venom.

The doctor was shocked again, he knew both men well and to hear someone they worked with speak about them with such venom was pretty difficult to hear; he motioned for the nurse to administer the medications, Spike glared at her and slumped back down on the bed.

"Do you see how weak you are, the months of stress and worry, the lack of food and drink has seriously caused some issues in your system but thankfully we can treat them and they will recover in a short time, but you have serious internal damage and if I need to sedate you so you can heal then I will do so, do I make myself clear?"

Spike had guessed by now that they had injected him with a sedative, his vision was blurry and he was feeling warm and relaxed, the last thing he heard was the doctor speaking to the nurse.

"Get Parker and Lane to my office as soon as possible, we have a serious issue."

Blackness claimed him.

Greg and Ed are in the meeting room going over the massive amounts of paperwork required for the internal investigation the SIU is hammering out, they are both exhausted and really can't handle the constant photos from the crime scene the is less than twenty meters from where they are sitting; Ed runs his hands over his face and remembers the moment all too clearly.

Five days ago (Ed's view)

He watched in horror as Spike tried to talk his mother out of shooting him, he looked on in horror as he wasn't wearing his vest, and any shot with the Glock was a lethal one in the hands of someone who is not trained in the weapon. He was tense, muscles taught as an archer's bowstring and he had his eyes on the target; he watched proudly as his buddy talked his own mother down, he didn't know if he'd have the strength to do that after going through what Spike had endured.

Things changed too quickly, Antonio shouted and Spike's mom raised the weapon again with lethal intent.

"Ma don..."

Ingrained into his fingers, when the subject went to red his finger was hitting the trigger.

He watched as the woman fell backwards, a hole above her eye, a grapefruit hole in the back of her skull.

He clenched his eyes shut and snapped back to the present.

Greg wasn't beside him, he looked around and spotted him pacing the open area and he was looking stressed, he picked himself up and headed over to where his boss was talking to someone over the cell phone; he waited until the call finished and looked at Greg.

"What's wrong?" he demanded.

"Spike woke up and demanded to be released AMA, he's demanded to remove us as his NOK and the doctor has had to sedate him."

Ed looked at Greg; he took a deep breath and nodded.

"What does the doctor suggest we do?"

"He is checking legal grounds for the request, since Spike required invasive care, he isn't capable of making his own decisions at the moment, the doctor wants to speak to us, we may need to make a decision based on Spike's mental health.


	36. It's for the best

Greg hands clenched as he was listening to the doctor, he was fighting back the anger, he didn't want to hear him say Spike was unfit, Greg knew there was nothing wrong with him, he understood that this would knock anyone out of being themselves. The doctor didn't know him, so how could he make a judgement?

"After what we saw today, we don't deem him capable to leave, his body still hasn't even started to heal from his wounds, and we think he still has suffered a few panic attacks without telling us, the stress his body is under makes it impossible for me to allow him to go home unaided. I suggest minimum another week before he can leave possibly longer, but I'd personally recommend at least keeping him here for two weeks."

"Then keep him here for two weeks, don't let him sign us off as his NOK" Greg said eyes furrowed.

The doctor leaned forward and put his open hands on the table in front of him, he knew what was going to come as he explained further and he knew they were not going to like it.

"You have to understand he's an adult, should he choose to do it there's nothing we can do."

The doctor slid some forms across the table and Ed looked at them and frowned.

"Unless you sign these forms" The doctor let Greg look at them. "You should know that if you declare Mr Scarlatti physiologically unfit we can take care of him for as long as we need, however should you choose to do this, his job as an SRU officer will be put on line during his requalification." he continued.

That last line hit Greg like a ball of fire, Spike's job meant the world to him, all he ever wanted to do was be an officer and protect the city he loved the most, he also thought about how this whole battle was for his job and it could all be taken away with a simple signature.

"Surely the requalification board would see what he has gone through and survived has only made him a stronger person? I know the board rules for a reason when it comes to trauma in our lives, but its part of our team psychology and personal traits!" Ed whispered.

"I understand that, truly I do but at this moment we have some serious medical and psychological care decisions to make on behalf of your friend!" the doctor jumped in.

Greg leaned back against the chair and took a calming breath, he needed to know exactly what was going on with Spike and how bad he was, if he was going to be responsible, then he needed clear facts.

"Doc, give me basics on his condition - leave out nothing!" Greg said gently.

The doctor nodded and brought up the medical chart for Spike on the computer, he clicked on the results and files for his photos and most current exams that he had run before calling Greg and Ed down from the barn.

"Physically Spike has several serious stab wounds, two which punctured organs and have been stabilized, his blood loss has been replaced and he is currently on antibiotics and fluids to treat a low grade fever that spiked last night. He is still recovering from the previous assault on his body and his ribs have cracked again, they have also been stabilized and under watch. He still refuses to eat, the blood chemistry results that are coming back are elevated ALT and ALS, his bilirubin is raised and B12 is low, the constant stress has basically caused his body to start fighting itself and we have started Hydroxycobalim therapy to raise those levels over the last few days. He should make a full recovery once he heals and goes through rehab, the injuries inflicted were severe."

"Mentally?" Ed asked.

"To put it bluntly his brother conspired to kill him or you Greg, he decided to put himself in danger and is violently assaulted, this happens again and he then tries to commit suicide to make the danger go away. He tries to start to recover but is held back by another attempt of psychological torture, this time his brother ropes his own mother into drawing a weapon on him. He then has to deal with his own team, his own family taking their lives in front of his eyes after he is stabbed repeatedly and under tremendous mental and emotional distress. Guys, the trauma care for this type of nightmare is a lengthy process" the doctor paused for a second "Spike is depressed and angry, lost and inconsolable since he has no-one left. He was tortured by his own flesh and blood -psychological and emotional scars will run deeply, as a doctor I would commit him, as a friend, there may be a way we can keep him safe and let him stay on the police force."

Both Greg and Ed's heads snapped up quickly at that.

"Have you heard of the Harvester Project?" he inquired to Greg.

He nodded and then he realised what the doctor was going to suggest.

"What's the Harvester Project?" Ed demanded.

"A hope of helping Spike and us, can it be arranged?" Greg replied.

The doctor nodded and Greg took a deep shuddering breath, it was a chance of hope, Ed watched as Greg ducked his head and picked up the pen, his hand shaking, every muscle in his body not wanting to do it, but everything in his head telling him it was the right thing to do, Ed couldn't take it and got up and walked out.

Greg stayed, finished signing and handed the paper and pen back, he felt like he betrayed Spike, but he knew he needed this, when the doctor saw Greg's emotions he spoke up.

"It was the best decision if you want to save your friend in the long run, I can promise you he is in the best hands, would you like me to explain to Mr Lane about the harvester project, or would you like to talk to him alone?"

Greg just shook his head as he stood up "Thank you doctor."

As Greg reached the door the doctor spoke again "We will be transporting him tonight whilst he's still sedated, should he wake in the process we will let you know, until then we will begin the process, he can begin to have visitors at stage 2 of the progress, but I will inform them to keep you in contact with his progress before then" Greg nodded  
"And Mr Parker, I'm truly sorry."

Greg didn't even respond just walked out of the room in search for Ed, when he found him outside the hospital he was hunched over a bin, Greg could hear him throwing up as he walked over, he rubbed his back, until Ed stepped back and rested against the wall as he was desperately trying to steady his breathing.

"What have we done to him Greg?" Ed whispered.

"We are saving him the only way possible! We both know if he got out he would be in the morgue tomorrow morning - this way, he is under control and is forced to deal with the events and when we are allowed access, no matter how far down the road that is, we can aid him and guide him along the path." Greg replied.

Ed Looked up at his brother and took another breath.

"I pray to god that you are right, because this could go either of two ways. One, Spike heals and learns to manage his trauma or we have destroyed his life and that of Winnie - there are more than one heart at risk here and we need to be very careful not to be selfish!"

Greg nodded and after a moment they went to see Spike one last time before he was knocked out for transport.


	37. I won't give up on you

Greg was sitting in the briefing staring at his hand as his team filed in, these last few months had been a strain on everyone, he waited until they were all sat down before he called Winnie in as well and closed the shutter, everyone was staring at him as he sat back down.

"Guys, I don't really know where to start." Greg whispered as he sat down wearily.

"Boss, we need to know" Jules calmly said back.

"He's been sent to the Harvester project." Greg bit back the tears.

"HE'S BEEN WHAT?" Sam almost shouted, anger evident on his face.

"Sam, I wouldn't have done it, but you should of heard what the doctor was saying, it was this or immediate sectioning and him losing his whole career and life!" Greg was looking at Sam.

"I don't care what the doctor was saying boss, did you talk to Spike about it?" he demanded.

Sam grew angrier, he knew that Greg had done it against his will, he knew how brutal that place was because he'd been there when he left the army to go on medical leave after Matt was killed and the investigation completed. Even though he knew it would help him the long run, the process of getting there was brutal and he wished the whole process on no-one - not even his worst enemy!

"Sam, he wasn't fit enough to make the decision, he was trying to get out and wanted to leave AMA, he needs this Sam." Greg started.

"How do you mean he wasn't fit enough Greg, what haven't you told us?" Jules asked gently.

"His body is not healing, he has been starving himself and is badly dehydrated and unable to sleep due to the nightmares and flashbacks he has been experiencing; he didnt let on to anyone but they set up a watch on him last night and he had full blown recalls and a serious panic attack - he was a wreck and he tried to hide in by crawling into the bathroom!" Ed replied cracking at the end.

Jules squeezed her eyes shut and let the tears run down her face, how could she let her brother deal with this mess alone, she wanted to be there as he screamed and cried and yelled - she wanted to hold him and comfort him with every ounce of her soul.

"If he was released AMA...I fear he would have been next seen in the morgue guys - how could we not protect him - he is injured and weak and easy prey for those who wish him harm in this life! We had to decide and the doctor gave us an option to at least control him and his environment as we got him the support he needs!" Ed replied shakily.

"And who are you to make that decision for him?" Sam retorted angrily.

"How selfish are you? Just because he's not the Spike you know and love, doesn't mean he's not in there and you think sending to a random place where he knows no one will help?" Sam stood up and left angrily,

Greg ducked his head he knew Sam needed space, but the selfish comment hit home.

Ed looked in horror at what Sam had said and looked to Jules for any sign or hint to what Sam was dealing with, she sighed and moved closer to the two men she trusted with her life, with the life of her child growing in her belly.

"Sam was sent there by his family after he tried to commit suicide after he killed Matt in Afghan, he hasn't spoken much about it but i know it is brutal and the thought of the place makes his skin crawl. I know you did what you needed to do, but i pray that you did it for the right reasons as this could just as easily break Spike as it could help him." she whispered.

Jules stood up and kissed them both on the cheek and nodded her approval of the plan before heading towards where Sam was headed and left the two men alone to think.

"We should head back to the hospital, they are going to start getting him prepared for sedation in an hour and we should be there to at least see him off?" Ed whispered.

Greg looked at him and nodded before they headed out of the room and towards the garage.

Unknownst to them, Sam had heard the last part of the conversation over the CCTV camera and after a moment of complete internal rage and grief, he grabbed his kit bag and slid into the garage and headed to the hospital in his own vehicle.

"I'm not leaving you there Spike, not alone - you need me there with you buddy and i won't give up on you! - I promise on my life, i will get you through this, even if it kills me!"

He slammed on his helmet and after kick starting his bike; he hit the highway towards the hospital.

They all walked into the hospital looking completely deflated, they all stand in Spikes room, all trying to hold their emotions back, he looked at peace and relaxed and like the old Spike, they all said good-byes and before they left Winnie stayed behind she walked over to the bed and stroke his cheek, she could feel the stubble beginning to form, her tears began to drop onto Spike's pillow as he lent over him. "I love you Spike" she lent down and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

She moved back quickly when the doctor's ended they gave her a sympathetic look as she walked out. The doctors went over all the final checks to ensure a safe journey, as the team where waiting outside they noticed Sam in casual clothes and carrying a large black duffle, they all looked up with questioning looks.

"They allow one member to go with him and it has to be me. I am his brother, his partner in crime and I will defend him with my life, I have my cell with me, I'll update every couple of days with permission on any improvements or issues. I will not let him down." He gave a pointed look towards Greg, and no one else questioned him.

They all stood as Spike was rolled out of his room unconscious, he was on oxygen again due to another panic attack, as he wheeled into the back of a transporter truck, Sam turned around and hugged everyone and then looked at Greg and just nodded, Greg knew he was annoyed and he knew he had right to be, eventually Sam climbed into the back of truck and it drove away.


	38. He looks after his brother

They were two hours into their journey when he made his first movement, and Sam hadn't lifted his gaze, not even when the doctors tried to talk to him as Spike lay on his back with the oxygen mask still over his mouth, Sam refused to look away.

It was half an hour later when he actually woke, he jolted awake and immediately spun round and threw up violently into the bucket in Sam's hands, he was ready for it, the drugs Spike had been given always made you remember. There were another 3 times where Spike threw up, Sam lay him back down and put a wet flannel across his forehead and gave him a small ice chip to suck on, Spike spat it out and tried to remove the flannel but Sam stopped him.

"Spike, buddy I will explain all later, I need you to rest for me buddy can you do that?" Sam had his voice soothed, trying to cover the pain that was on the brink of flooding out.

Sam just looked at Spike who was lying on his side, knees up to his chest and starting to hyperventilate, he had seen this happen to others before and knew what was coming, his own nails dug into his palms as he witnessed the emotional turmoil go across his brothers face and body.

"Spike, Michel, please tell me what you need?" he whispered.

Spike didn't answer, he just screamed out in pain, not physical pain but from all the memories that came flooding through, the sudden flashes that sparked through his head, his mum dropping to her knees, the look on his brothers face just before he landed on him, the notes, the pictures, the blood.

The blood, that was on his hands.

Sam stood up immediately putting his hands on Spike's shoulders restraining him, he was trying his hardest to jump of the bed but it would be too painful and dangerous for his weak body, Sam was in full military mode and hollering at Spike to calm down, Sam was looking directly into Spike's eyes, he saw the venom, the anger and pain. Spike griped at Sam's wrist trying to break loose, but he was too weak, his body was under too much strain to fight against Sam's resolve to assist.

"Stay with me Spike, calm your breathing down and look straight at me!" he ordered grabbing his head.

The doctor and assistants had moved forward with the drugs and were ready to jump in at a moment's notice, they had seen the blood against the white sheets around his waist and knew the damage he was causing to himself as he fought for freedom; the doctor moved forward and reached for the IV with another dose of Midazolam.

"WAIT, I CAN CALM HIM!" Sam shouted over Spike's cries.

"It's too risky, we need him to get there safely and he is bleeding again! He needs to be sedated or he will be ten times worse when he starts to recover, let us do our jobs and then you can help him when we arrive at the project." the doctor replied getting his needle ready.

Sam looked down at Spike who was curled up and gasping into the pillow, he couldn't control his breathing and had a death grip on Sam's hand, his eyes were wide open but he wasn't seeing what was around him, he was witnessing everything in order, in full colour and in slow motion.

Sam looked into Spike's eyes again, this time he saw fear.

"Forgive me buddy, please forgive me." he whispered.

The doctor took this as immediate consent and pushed the IV medication through quickly and within moments Spike had started to calm down and was slowly relaxing, he was uncurled and put on his back again as the doctor looked over his wounds and applied more dressings over the stitches; they weren't too bad but more blood loss was not a positive thing for him.

"He's out and should stay that way until a few hours after we arrive and get him settled, I'll get him cleaned up if you could check his vitals and make sure his oxygen rises again to acceptable levels." the doctor whispered to his assistants.

Sam never moved and the doctor joined him on the bench beside him, he grasped Sam's shoulder and let the younger man shudder in private as he relived his own memories of the last few days.

Jules and Winnie were sitting in the briefing room in silence, they had just gotten back from the hospital and Winnie had broken down; the man she loves is currently in a manic depressive state after the whole of his family trying to kill him, she can't get her head around why they would try to do something so evil when Spike is the most loving of men she knows and would never abandon his family.

She wanted to stay with him, keep him safe in her arms during the transport but the doctor had refused and then Sam walked in ready for action; he had seen hell before and he told them all he would never leave his brother in need and he would be in constant contact with the boss with updates; she didn't know if she was going to pass out or scream in frustration, her whole world was focused on praying for Spike.

Jules moved slightly on the couch and flinched; Winnie had noticed subtle changes in her friend and passed her the biscuit box.

"Ginger helps apparently," she whispered.

Jules looks at her and her eyes pop wider, Winnie smiles slightly and leaned over to her.

"Subtle changes Jules, and you havent used any Tampax in two months!" Winnie whispered.

Jules was chalk white, she hadn't even told Sam yet.

"I just found out last week, how long have you - is it noticable?" she inquired.

Winnie shook her head and pulled her friend in for a cuddle, she could feel Jules relax slightly and as she glimpsed a little hope.

"I need answers Jules, I need to understand what is going on, help me?" she inquired gently.

Jules looked at her and nodded, she needed to know too since her man was putting himself through hell again for his brother, and she would need to be able to support Sam when he returned home, she just prayed he would heal too.

"I don't know all the facts myself, but how about I go get boss and let him explain? He knows about the project, who it is run by and all those details, I think it would be better coming from him since he has taken full responsibility for Spike's care."

Winnie nodded and watched as Jules squeezed her hand and headed off to find Greg.

A while later

Greg found Winnie looking out the window over the city, it was a space he found Spike standing many times during shift as he collected his thoughts, it was peaceful and the view was spectacular. He didnt want to interrupt her thoughts but she had requested information and with him knowing about how deeply she felt about Spike, she was his daughter and he would tell her everything.

"Winnie," he called gently.

She turned around to face him and dried her eyes quickly, he tilted his head and opened his arms for her as she walked into them and held him tight, she knew he must be breaking inside too and she would always be there for family. They both moved to the couch again and Winnie grabbed the pillow and put it in front of her, almost like a shield from bad news, it was something Greg picked on immediately and he went into the old routine of keeping focus on body language as he began his thoughts.

"Jules tells me that you want to know what the Harvester Project is and who it is run by?" he inquires gently.

"Yes, I want to know everything that has happened in the last forty eight hours and why this decision had to be made, I know what you said in the briefing earlier, but you were holding back about his physical care, you have to tell me so I can be prepared to support him at home."

He took a deep breath and nodded; he leaned over and took her hand and began.

"The Harvester Project is a specialist facility that was created in the early nineties after a cult was cracked open that had ties to the military, the victims of the cult had been violently beaten, raped and tortured by people pretending to be on orders of the government and whose families did not want them anymore. They used coercion, special techniques and brainwashing materials to force the individual to become so dependent on their captures that their hearts would literally stop if they left the compound."

Winnie had heard of this during her Police training, it was a horrific time for the police and victims and families, many people were so traumatised by the events that the states suicide ratings went up nearly 10% in six months; but she had also heard of the unexplained deaths as the victims were removed from the site and then dropped dead just as they were leaving the property markers.

"The 'Exit Councillors' caught on quickly to what had been used as they went through the buildings and stopped all patient transports from leaving the area, the government and healthcare specialists set up shop on the land to help everyone who was needing immediate treatment and within a space of a week they had the remaining ten survivors living in the large house going through therapies at their own speeds."

"How many people were lost during that first week of being freed?" Winnie asked.

"Sixty people, some through the tragedy of the subconscious fear of leaving, some through suicide and illness." he replied honestly.

Winnie sucked the knowledge up and squeezed her hands together, she needed to know everything.

"Over the space of a year the remaining survivors were reconditioned back into society, it was a long and painful process and involved hypnosis, drug therapy and sedation, grief and trauma counselling, it was a nightmare for everyone involved. Most of the survivors do go back once a year for a couple of weeks therapy sessions as a group or by themselves, their pain will never go away, but they have learned methods to help them cope with what they were put through and they live an active healthy life in society, a couple we actually know work in the police force!"

Winnie looked up at that bit of information and gasped, Parker took her hand again and nodded.

"That is one of the reasons why I jumped at the mention of the project, if he gets through the programme, he has a fighting chance to come back on active duty!" he replied.

"I understand about the cult, I remember the study on it at the academy, but surely the atrocities committed to those survivors and what Spike has gone through are different, how can 'Exit councillors' help him?" she replied shakily.

Greg sighed and leaned forward again, he needed to put this as clearly as possible and as simply as possible for the message to be driven home to Winnie, she had to understand what Spike had been subjected too and how far from the truth she really was.

"What they went through, and what Spike went through is not that different Winnie," he started.

Winnie froze and her hands trembled, she put them back under the pillow and squeezed her eyes shut, she didnt know if she could hear this, had Spike been brutalized by his family at some point in his life, had he been a victim for years and not said anything?

"Spike was subjected to years of abuse from his father telling him he hated his job and that he was a bad son for bringing stress and grief into his home; he tormented Spike with tales of his wonderful married brother and his kids living a stable life while he played with guns and bombs, he called him a failure in his eyes and even on the day Lou died, he questioned Spike's loyalty and demanded he quit. Spike was surrounded by hate from his father for years, he was coerced by his mother and the guilt and emotional disturbance laid on him have created serious scars on his psyche. He was a victim of emotion and physical torture Winnie, and for the love of god it was his own family that tortured him!"

Winnie burst into tears and howled in pain, she slid to the floor and Greg grabbed her before she could harm herself and rocked her back and forth in his arms as she relieved seeing him broken and bloody, an empty shell of the man she knew and loved.


	39. I won't let you down

Winnie had calmed down over the space of an hour or so but she was still violently distressed and had been sick a number of times over the stress of the ordeal and the blunt truth that Ed and Greg had discovered through family calls and investigations in the last couple of months; she had no idea how bad it was and now everything made sense, all the overtime he took and the stress written into his eyes and behaviour, she had been blind to it all and she hated herself for it. Greg had picked up on her thinking and he shook his head at her, immediately getting her attention.

"Don't do that to yourself Winnie, it's not your fault and the only blame lies on the Scarlatti family for trying to destroy the blessing of a son they should have protected without questions. But I think you now see why I made the decision to send him to the project, why he needs the specialised help they can provide, the trauma is so severe it is almost like psychological reconditioning to make him doubt his sanity and make him end his life to stop everyone he loves from dying or being killed. That is his greatest fear, being responsible for getting us killed." Greg replied.

"He always blamed himself for Lou dying, he thinks that if he had done the transfer it would have worked, if he had tried any other options then he would have got his buddy out of there alive; seeing him so numb at the funeral and then wasted for the mandatory week off, it was horrible!" Winnie replied.

Greg got her back onto the couch and passed her some water, they needed to continue the conversation and let Winnie know what was going to happen next.

"Our boys should arrive in an hour's time and Spike is hopefully still sedated enough to not know what is going on and allowing himself to heal without too many issues for the doctor and Sam to deal with; when he is settled, the doctor will stay with him for the first night to ensure his health is on track and the medical specialist will take over duties from there with the supplies provided. He will slowly be introduced to the three individuals who run the project and as he physically starts to heal, they will slowly get him interacting with therapy sessions at his pace."

Winnie nodded and cooled herself down, she was glad to hear it was going to be at Spike's pace and not rushed, after Dr Toth ripping him an emotional new one, he didn't trust psychologists and that led to trust issues with the boss when it came to recent events.

"Over the first week he will be slowly rehabilitated and his physiotherapy will be controlled so he is mobile and able to freely move around the house, the only rule is that he must wear an anklet that has GPS tracking, if he strays past the boundary then it will sedate him via a transdermal patch and he will be returned to the house. It's a safety measure since the location of the project is close to waterfalls and people have previously committed suicide there."

Winnie nodded and prompted Greg to continue.

"The second and third weeks are normally sessions in a safe environment for Spike, he has free run of the house and its equipment but there must be honesty in the house for the therapies to work, Sam will come into play here and he will be watching Spike like a hawk for any dishonest motives or behaviours. He will also be on drug therapy at this stage too, normally mood stabilizers and mild sedatives - he has horrific parasomnia due to the trauma and his body will not heal unless the drugs are used, hopefully its only temporary." he continued.

"You said hypnosis is sometimes used, is that wise?" she whispered.

"Spike has buried his fears so deeply into his subconscious that the only way to get them out maybe by the use of hypnotherapy, it is strictly monitored and controlled, recorded too for safety reasons and research for the patient only, it's been known to help and I have seen impressive results. The therapies will be controlled, but they will be incredibly brutal to Spike due to the events, he witnessed a member of his team kill his mother and brother in front of him, in a place he felt safe, he has a lot of anger built up and that rage needs to be unleashed."

"How will they do that safely?" she whispered.

"By using the third councillor, a trained mixed martial artist who uses controlled responses and techniques to leach onto a vivid memory in his patient and makes them face it, it's in a controlled environment again and an accepted method of therapy."

"It's not going to be easy Winnie, on anyone involved with Spike and his care, he was victimised, terrorised and assaulted with lethal intent by his family on several occasions, he has trust issues and they have long lasting repercussions, it's going to take as much time as he needs, but I have strong faith in him, I saw our old Spike before he went into the SRU that day, he was fighting the demons and I know he can do this."

Winnie launched herself into his arms again and burst out in tears, she would wait on him forever and Greg knew that, he was proud of her, his son was proud of her - she was a force to reckon with and he knew she would be invaluable to Spike's recovery at some stage.

In the transport truck

Sam held the arm of his brother as he was strapped back into the trolley and given more sedatives since he was fighting with every ounce of his being, the doctor had to dope him up with stronger meds due to the ripping of his stitches and hooked him up to more IVs due to his vitals coming back with low blood pressure, it was like watching a tug of war, half of his body was fighting to survive, the other side was giving up.

"We should be arriving within the next half an hour or so Sam, when we do arrive, stand at the front door and wait on Billy, he is the leader of the project, he'll need to store your weapons for safety while you are here." the doctor informed.

Sam nodded, he remembered Billy from his time here and respected him, he taught Sam how to control his anger through martial arts.

"We'll transport Spike up to the shared room on the second floor, it is a master bedroom with two beds, one moved to accommodate the medical gurney until he heals; I advise you to sleep for a few hours, if you require a sedative then please ask for one." he continued.

Sam nodded again and continued to look at Spike lying immobilized on the bed.

"You will need to be strong for him in the next few months Sam, he is a fighter but if he gives up then his body will weaken and he will die!"

"That's not going to happen on my watch doctor, I swear to you that is not going to happen on my watch!"

The doctor noticed the determined look across Sam's face and frowned, he suddenly understood why Sam hadn't asked questions about where he was going.

He had been there before.

Sam was still staring intensely at Spike, he felt the truck being brought to a stop, and then the door's opened, he turned his head and looked out as he drew in a deep breath and slowly released it, he stood up and walked out ready to help move Spike, he looked over at the pure white building, with windows barred up, to anyone else it would look like a prison.

They slowly wheeled Spike from the transport van and began pushing him towards the elevator to get him to his floor, Sam felt the anxiety as he got closer to the building it was bringing back way too many unpleasant memories, he caught the doctor looking at him with a questioning look, he immediately stood up straight with broad shoulder, he needed to be strong, if not for him then for Spike.

Sam kept his head down walking through the corridors, he remained focused on Spike, he was still out but stirring, when they got into his room they lay him down on his bed and hooked up all his medicine he was going to need, Sam sat at the side of the bed whilst another doctor sat at the end to ensure he was safe when he woke.

Spike could feel the coldness of the room, the gentle breeze on his arms, he couldn't see but he could feel his different surrounding, it was empty where ever he was, he couldn't feel the usual warmth or care from back home, he could hear gentle breathing next to him, it was slow and forced he tried to turn his head but he ached, he needed another few minutes before gained full conciseness.

It hit him like a ton of bricks.

He sat up in a gasp, as all the memories flashed back, the doctor jumped up to restrain Spike but Sam growled at him and gave a him meaningful glare until he backed off, Sam grabbed spikes face and got him to look at him.

"Spike I need you to control your breathing for me, remember sniper breathing."

Sam was searching his eyes but he looked lost, that killed Sam, he usually only found love in Spike's eyes but there was nothing.

Spike began to cry as he fought against Sam, his mind playing tricks on him and his breathing was so erratic Sam eventually wrapped him in a bear hug, he didn't want Spike to rely on medicine to keep him calm, he felt Spike grip his top and try and pull away, but Sam just gripped tighter.

"It's going to be ok Spike, I promise you. Together we'll get through this ok?" Sam whispered in his ear.

"I just want it stop, why won't it stop!" Spike cried out, still frantically trying to be released from Sam's grip.

Sam just held on with every ounce of strength he had, Spike may not physically be healthy at the moment but anger and pain makes the body stronger through adrenaline rushes, and Spike had a massive dose and Sam was the target.

"It takes time buddy, I promise it gets better, and in your own time, I promise I won't let you down ok!" Sam was biting his lip, trying to not let the tears fall.

All of sudden Spike stopped fighting and fell in Sam's embrace as he cried, his tears wetting Sam's shoulder as Sam just hold him, Sam could feel that Spike was breathing light and fast, but trying to control it, Spike was calming his breath and bringing his blood pressure down, the doctor stood in front of Sam and checked Spike's vitals on the machine, the doctor turned around and looked Sam directly in the eyes as he nodded, Sam closed his eyes for brief second and took a deep shuddering breath.

"Thank you buddy." He whispered to Spike.

Sam held him close until his exhausted body gave way and he felt the death grip on his arms relax, his hand automatically went to his throat to check for a pulse, it was there but sluggish and slow; the doctor came over and checked the read outs from the monitor and frowned. Sam slowly unwound Spike from his body and laid him back down gently onto the bed in the safe recovery position as the doctor checked his wounds, they were fine thankfully but it was obvious that his patient was exhausted and had passed out from the pain.

"Give me something doc?" Sam whispered.

"He passed out, the pain of the memories is probably going to be the biggest battle for him, the psychological damage he was exposed too, he's built barriers up and the memories only slip out when he is at his weakest point health wise. I think I am going to keep him mildly sedated tonight while I monitor him, he still has a fever of 102.5 and I'm going to start some antibiotics to combat that complication. Best thing I can say is that he will sleep deeply tonight and when we wake him in the morning he should feel better once the drugs start to leave his system."

Sam nodded and clicked his shoulders as he went to sitting back down beside his charge; the doctor looked at him and passed him a small cup.

"These are for you, it's a mild sedative called Prophonol, enough to relax you so you can sleep." he started.

Sam looked up at him and was about to start to argue but the look from the doctor stopped him.

"Sam, you haven't slept in days and the transport here was mentally exhausting, you need to sleep and stay healthy to help your friend, trust me and take this for tonight and I will wake you up if anything should happen alright?" he concluded.

Sam finally accepted the help and downed the tablet with a small glass of water; he stripped off his boots and jacket and went to lie on the other bed across from Spike, as he listened to the steady beep of the monitor and the gentle hiss of oxygen being delivered.

A few moments later the doctor wrapped a blanket over Sam and went back to monitoring his charge.


	40. They really did a number on him

When Sam next woke up it was the other doctor in the room, he guessed they would be switching at some point, he turned onto his side to notice Spike still asleep, it had been 6 hours since Sam had fell asleep which meant Spike had been out for at least 2 hours more, Sam looked at the doctor again when he smiled at him.

"What's the plan today doc?" Sam said sounding tired.

"It depends on his state when he wakes up, we are planning for the worst because of the previous explosions but he may respond a little because we noticed he responded to you last time. If we could get him into the flow of a conversation, not about the events but about how he is physically feeling, it would help immensely in our care of him." the doctor replied honestly.

Sam nodded as he sat up and stretched, immediately battle ready to help his family.

"What information are you looking for doc, lay it out for me and I can observe and try and get him to talk to me" he replied.

The doctor passed Sam the clipboard and pointed to the list of injuries Spike was still dealing with, Sam frowned and after clocking his temperature chart he looked back up at the doctor.

"His temperature is still elevated, are the treatments not working?" he demanded.

"He has an infection in his lower stomach due to the pulled stitches, it's being treated with direct IV antibiotics and the fever should peak and break in the next few hours; he's had a solid couple of hours sleep which can only be beneficial for him but we need to figure out what is hurting and how badly?" the doc replied gently.

Sam looked through the list and noted the pain guide level, wound markers and current treatment options for each major issue; Spike being Spike, he knew he would have issues getting information out of him but Greg had taught his team well and he could read people easily, Spike would be slightly more challenging but his guard was down due to the drugs and weak state he was in.

"When he wakes, keep him focused on you and I will give him his medications and then leave you to talk, we will be outside the room and if there are any issues then you call us immediately, if he starts to have another panic attack , you hit this control and he will be sedated and then just pull the oxygen mask over his face again."

Sam nodded and went to sit on the more comfy chair after he had been to relieve himself and get cleaned up, he felt so much better than before and he could smell the cooking and coffee from downstairs; a few moments later a young woman entered the room and passed a tray to him, he sat there gobsmacked as she looked at him and smiled.

"It' good to see you again Sam, I'm sorry it's under these circumstances again though!" she said gently.

Sam stood up and went to hug her tightly; she smiled and nodded to the doctor.

"Good to see you as well Maria and yeah, same crap different day! Glad to see you still working your magic here though, you are one of the reasons I survived this place!" Sam replied.

Maria placed her hand on his arm and grinned.

"That was all you're doing, and I am looking forward to getting caught up with everything at the briefing tonight after dinner, I thought you may like some coffee and sandwiches to keep you going, you look shattered."

Sam nodded and indicated to the man lying prone on the bed, Maria looked at him and frowned, he looked so young and she was acutely aware of the struggle he now faced to heal.

"So this is Michelangelo, they really did a number on him huh?" she whispered checking his chart with the doctor.

"The worst part is he witnessed the aftermath in full surround sound and high definition!"

She pulled Sam to the side and motioned her head to the bed.

"As you came into our lives four years ago after the death of your brother in arms in Afghanistan, you were so screwed up and in so much pain we thought you would never heal. It took three suicide attempts, numerous nights of sedation and medications for you to come to terms with what had happened. It wasn't an easy four months you had here Sam, but I can see they built your character up and you learned from the experience or you would not be back in a place that made your skin crawl!" she replied.

Sam looked straight into her eyes and nodded.

"I would crawl into hell for him, as well as any member of my family, I just pray that we haven't damaged him completely as I couldn't face losing him!" he replied, choking back the tears.

"Then we won't, we work together and learn from mistakes, we're only human and we fall hard, but he is a survivor to have even made it this far and we will support him through this trauma and make him believe it is worthwhile to live again. Trust us, believe in what we do, use your own experience and anger to guide him out, that is the best guidance I can give you until we know more."

Sam nodded and sat down on the chair before he dived into his lunch and started to read Spike's medical notes.

They only have to be small but its progress either way, he is going to have to eat and drink plenty of fluid as he hasn't in a while due to refusal. Sam looked up at Spike and furrowed his eyebrows memories came flooding back of when Spike was happy, how he was so good at hiding everything with a smile, he running things over in his head of how he was going to approach Spike on this conversation, he needed him to be calm but he needed to know what pain he was in.


	41. You are not alone

Sam had sat sentry duty over Spike for the last couple of hours and listened to him whimper in his disturbed sleep as he fought off whatever demons he was being tormented by, the last serious intervention was half an hour ago when he freaked out so much his heart rate went crazy and the doctor was all for putting him fully under, with a racing pulse and frantic look on his face, Sam had managed to guide Spike back out of the dream and back to safety and a more stable heart rate. He was slumped on his seat for ages after that and rubbed away his tears as he saw the anguish on his buddy's face, his soul was wide open and he had no clue on how to start closing it.

The briefing had been called ten minutes ago and Sam left Spike in the care of one of the medical assistants who accompanied them on the journey, she would keep an eye on Spike and call if there was anything wrong or Spike was starting to wake up on his own; Sam nodded and headed downstairs to the old room that he knew was used for meetings. He opened the wide wooden doors and walked in to find Maria and the doctor talking about supplies they would require and the outfitting of the surgical room if Spike required surgery again for any reason, his heart jumped at that but Maria caught onto his presence and stopped the conversation before turning to him.

"It's alright Sam, we would rather be prepared for all contingencies in regards with Spike, he has a rough road ahead of him and he is still seriously sick, we need to be prepared for a long haul recovery!" she informed him gently.

He looked at her and nodded before joining them at the table and waiting on the other two people who ran the project; they were just arriving after doing checks of the area and ensuring the GPS tags were ready to go, they could take no chances with Spike being a member of Tactical SWAT, he would do everything he could to escape if he believed himself to be in danger. Finally they both arrived and stopped as they saw Sam at the table; both men looked at each other and walked over with hands open for a shake.

"It's wonderful to see you again Master Sergeant, i wasn't aware you were here for therapy?" the tall man inquired.

"I'm not here on my own behalf, I came as companion to Spike, and it's wonderful to see you again Mikhail, still beating the crap out of the dummies in the barn?" he said trying to lighten the mood.

Mikhail nodded and chuckled as he shook Sam's hand and introduced him to the third member of the team that Sam didn't know.

"Sam Braddock this is Jack Archer, he is our resident Psychologist and alternative therapy advisor, he is ex military and has full clearance to know everything about Spike's history. " Mikhail introduced the men.

They both shook hands and motioned at the table so they could get the meeting under way.

An Hour later

Sam was trying control his anger with the doctor, he had started talking about what happens if all fails, he wanted to scream and tell them it's not going to fail, tell them Spike's a fighter always had been always will be. Maria picked up on the flash of anger from Sam and touched his arm in comfort, Sam looked up and frowned.

"Sam, you know there is a 50/50 on his recovery, we will do everything possible for him but he needs to meet us halfway, if he can't accept the help we offer then the next step is compulsory mental health detention in the secure facility at Scarborough, and none of us want that!" Maria said gently.

"Then stop talking about him like you have already given up on him!" he demanded incensed.

Mikhail sat back and looked at Sam, she could see the pain across his face and nodded to Jack to take the lead.

"Sam, what happened to him, I know what it says in the reports, but tell us in your own words what you witnessed!" he inquired gently.

Sam blew out a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair; he clenched his eyes and looked for the clarity in the chaos of his mind.

"He started showing signs of stress and abuse a few days after our team mate Lou was killed, Spike was devastated due to being so close to him, his family, his dad especially didn't make it easy for him and rubbed salt into his wounds on a daily basis. Over the next couple of years his health deteriorated and through mandatory psych evaluations we discovered that Spike's dad was dying, he didn't tell anyone and we were shocked to learn of the pain he was hiding. The signs of stress and depression were there, he was lonely, tired and came in with bruises and cuts. I think he was possibly fighting or was self-harming, the position of the cuts were a sign. Then the idiot of his brother came along after his father died, on the same day that Spike saved my life and those of ten people trapped in a basement with bombs, he just came back to work one day after seeing his family off and then he never dealt with it." Sam started.

"So he bottles things up quite easily then, I know he is close to your Sergeant, what else can you tell us?" Jack inquired.

"He started to get mail, both letters, photos and emails that were filled with hate and venom from some of his family soon after his mom moved back to Italy, we knew there was something going on and found some of the letters, we quickly blocked the emails and screened his mail while investigating behind his back, he didn't need to know the details unless there was an actual threat made. His brother then threatens the boss and Spike takes his place, gets beaten up and tortured - nearly blown up and then doesn't deal again. He then starts a relationship with a beautiful woman we have worked with for years and she is threatened, he is attacked again and chooses to kill himself to get them to stop threatening his family. After a couple of months healing, his mother and brother arrive, he is witness to her being shot, he is stabbed repeatedly by his own brother and then witnesses him being killed." Sam says through the pain in his chest.

The whole room is silent as they grasp the depth of the issues they faced in helping the man upstairs, they all have seen some messed up things in their lives and through their work on the project, but something so vindictive as family doing this to one of their own can be worse than the most brutal attack by an outsider. Maria leans over and supports Sam who is breathing deeply, trying to control his own emotions and pain.

"I think we all agree that we need to take this slowly as Spike needs, he seems to react to you Sam which is a positive step, so you will be relied upon by everyone to pass information back and forth - honesty is vital here for all parties concerned and you need to be prepared to make decisions if he begins to show signs of any negative self-behaviour or abuse - do you agree?" Jack says clearly.

Sam nods and clearly states that he does.

A knock on the door and the medical assistant from upstairs appears, Sam jumps up from his seat with the doctor and looks at her.

"Spike just woke up but he can't control his breathing, he won't listen to us and we need Sam up there STAT!"

Sam bolts out of the room and up the three sets of stairs to get to his room where Spike is crawling into the corner and hyperventilating, he kneels down in front of him and grasps his head between his hands, forcing Spike's attention onto his body language and relaxed breathing style.

"Breathe Spike, slow it down for me buddy, you're not alone, for the love of god you're not alone!" he says firmly.

He holds Spike and takes him through the round of breathing exercises, he slowly manages to get him to relax and back into bed as he checks his vitals, he introduces the doctor again and Spike just nods as Sam asks if he is in pain; he doesn't need to know what level between 1-10 he is at, he is so far into the hundreds the doctor just hits him with 10mg of morphine and lets him relax under the oxygen mask as Sam talks to him gently as he falls asleep.


	42. The Memory

Spike woke up and his brain went through the same routine of letting him know how crap his life has been these last few months, his breathing became faster and the tears fell freely, he let himself sob whilst he thought about everyone he'd lost, he managed to calm himself after a few short minutes, remembering all the things Sam was telling him to do last time to help ease the ache.

Spike slowly sat himself up as he leant against the headboard of his bed, the side of his head against the cold window, he looked out amongst the fields and then in the distance could see a beautiful waterfall, and he stared intently at it when his thoughts went back to Italy.

_He was running around the place with his brother and cousins playing tag, they were happy and free of any kind of stress or illnesses; their parents, Nonna's and Nonno's all looked on with pride at their children and family members who were enjoying the heat wave._  
_A young boy ran over a woman and started to jump on the spot with a big grin across his face, the dimples prominent on his tanned cheeks and the twinkle of mischief across his face; the woman looked down with so much love and smiled._

_"Ma…Ma please, one ice cream" He looked at her, pleading for her to give him some money to get an ice cream._

_"Michelangelo, you haven't had any dinner!"_

_She looked at him, eyes furrowed, but she was trying so hard not to laugh at her son, he looked like he was on the verge of dropping to his knees, his wide brown eyes still displaying hope of actually getting the ice cream._

_The Scarlatti's had gone to Italy for a week, they went to the beach to celebrate Spike's 6th birthday which was the next day, there was a big family party the next day at the local park and everyone was so excited to celebrate the little boys birthday and Mrs Scarlatti wanted to do something special with her immediate family before the whole crowed joined them._

_"Ahh Ma, look at him, you can't not let him get one, plus it's his birthday tomorrow!" Antonio defended him._

_"You see, you hear that Ma, my brother thinks I deserve one - he is the best big brother in the world!" Spike was bouncing in anticipation to get an ice cream._

_"It's my birthday and I am really hot from playing all day, I promise to eat my vegetables later on!" he said with a serious look on his face._

_Mrs Scarlatti was gone, she was flat out laughing._

_"It's not your birthday yet sport" His dad ruffled his hair._

_He then crouched down and scooped Spike into his arms, spinning him around the place fast as he squealed in delight and held onto the best Papa on the planet._

_"Come on let's go get you your ice cream." he whispered rattling some pennies in his pocket._

_As they were walking Spike was looking out at the sea and was watching as the sun slowly began to set, he lifted his head and looked into his dad's eyes._

_"I love you dad." He then rested head against his chest as his dad carried on walking._

_He dad bit back a tear at the innocence of his child; he kissed his head before whispering back._

_"I love you too Michelangelo and that will never change no matter what happens in life!"_

Spike was shoved back into reality as a wave of pain flooded his body, he just made it to the bathroom and violently threw up into the toilet, a noise behind  
him and a strong set of hands passed him a small plastic cup of water after he had emptied his stomach of bile and blood; he looked up shakily and saw a tough looking man smile down at him. Spike was gently raised to his feet and given a wet towel to clean his face and cool down before being helped back to his bed and supported to lie back down. The man fiddled with the wires that were tangled and offered some sedative, he made no reply but the man said he would administer a mild dose and if he needed anything then just to ask. Spike looked away into the distance again he looked away to the waterfall again in the window and down at his hands that were violently shaking due to the pain and exhaustion he was feeling. He wiped the tears away, and then looked at his left to Sam asleep, the blankets draped over him.

"Thank you Sam" Spike whispered to the empty room.

He fell back onto his pillows and rested his head as he closed his eyes and let exhaustion take over.

Across the room the other man was lying there with wide open eyes that were full of tears, he had witnessed the weakness of the man see beauty in the simplest of things and his heart broke; he then heard a simple sentence that made his pillow immediately wet with his tears that freely fell from his eyes. He continued to look at his now unconscious friend and took a deep stabilizing breath.

"I have your back, my brother" he whispered.


	43. First theorpy session

PLEASE NOTE BEFORE UPLOADING THIS CHAPTER I UPLOADED A FEW CHAPTERS PLEASE ENSURE YOU ARE STARTING AT THE CORRECT CHAPTER READ THE BOTTOM OF THE CHAPTER BEFORE, TO ENSURE YOUR AT THE RIGHT POINT THANK YOU.

AND WOULD YOU PLEASE REVIEW, IT HELPS ME OUT! :D

Spike was one week into the project and was progressing slightly, he was more responsive to Sam and they concluded it was due to how close the team was at their work. Sam walked into Spike's room preparing him for his first therapy session, he was getting better with waking up and not having panic attacks and he was also able to control his breathing better, Sam was overwhelmed with his progress but he still knew there was a long way to go.

"You ready to go buddy?" Sam softly spoke as he walked through the door.

Spike looked up and nodded his head, as they left and walked down the long corridor to Doctor Jack Kimble's office.

"Hi, Sam and you must Michelangelo? I'm Jack Kimble; you can call me Jack though"

The doctor knew better than to shake a patients hand, trust had to build between the two before any form of contact was made and he knew that personal space was vital for Spike.

"Please take a seat." he indicated to the two comfortable chairs.

Spike wearily looked at Sam, Sam looked back a little confused, as it looked like Spike was asking for permission to sit but Sam nodded at him and sent him a reassuring smile anyway, and only then did Spike sit, unfortunately his body language screamed at the other two men that he was so far out of his comfort zone that he was in a different country.

Sam trained his eyes on Spike who was huddled up and then Jack, the doctor gave Sam a small smirk showing it was normal behaviour for this type of trauma and not to be so concerned unless something was obvious to him in his body language or behaviour.

Spike was focused on the ground, until Jack spoke up, he wearily looked up and the doctor mentally noted the pain.

"So Michelangelo, what can you tell me about how your feeling?" the doctor had a kind smile on his face.

"I don't know" He replied looking at the ground again.

Sam prayed he would stop looking at the ground; he hated seeing Spike so deflated.

"How about this, I list a few emotions and you nod if you think you might be feeling it ok?" At Spike's nod, Jack began.

"Scared?" Spike shrugged and after a moment nodded.

"Ok good, Sad?" Spike nodded again, he hated this he felt like a child.

"Angry" Spike looked up and caught the doctor's gaze, Jack noticed the tears in his eyes.

"Rage," he whispered, and he clocked the fist Spike made under his jumper.

"Ok, Michelangelo we will stop there, at your own pace remember?"

The doctor leaned forward a slight bit, Spike looked at him again and Jack smiled at him the left corner of his mouth lifting higher than the other; Spike's eyes shot open in fear, his fist clenched the arms of his chair, his knuckles turned white. Sam got up to restrain him but he ran out of the room pushing past Sam, he run back to his room and locked himself in the bathroom, he could hear the bangs on the door, Spike was pacing hands gripping his hair, he stopped at the sink and looked in the mirror before he was flooded with rage, he smashed the glass repeatedly punching at his reflection.

On the outside of the door Sam stood with Mikhail who was on standby, Sam's eyes locked on the door screaming for a response from Spike, when he heard the smash of glass and ceramics he ran for a the fire extinguisher; as he ran back he could hear thuds and cries, he wasted no time in smashing the lock off, what he saw broke his heart.

Spike was sat in the corner of the room, he shook with fear, blood covered his hand as he cried out in sheer terror and confusion; he didn't know what got into him, the moment the doctor smirked something snapped and he couldn't breathe, he had to leave the room.

"I'm so sorry, Sam I did-" He was full on sobbing.

"Shh…It's ok, it's fine" Sam replied slowly walking to Spike with open arms and hands, a purely peaceful symbol.

He looked at his friend who was trying to control his fast breathing and he heard the pained wheeze as his lungs strained to work around the spasms, he looked over his shoulder to Mikhail who was looking on with obvious concern.

"Mikhail, can you get Maria, we need to see if there is any glass is still in his hands." he requested.

Mikhail wasted no time in running off to find her, after he passed Sam some towels.

"What caused it Spike?" Sam was looking directly into Spikes eyes

"Work with me here buddy, I need to know." he pleaded.

Spike rested his head against the back wall, as he took a shuddering breath.

"When he smiled, he looked like…" he started then stopped, trying to breathe.

Spike rubbed his hand over his face, let tears flow down his face; he looked back at Sam who was waiting patiently.

"He looked like Antonio." Spike choked on his name and burst out in tears as Sam wrapped him in his embrace again.

Sam turned his head to Maria at door, and nodded for her to come in; she came over and kneeled in front of Spike with a small smile.

"Ok Michelangelo, I'm just going to take a look at your hands ok?" Her voice was soft and when nodded she proceeded.

She let him put his hands in hers and she slowly cleaned and debrided the deep wounds free of any glass and put some butterfly dressings over the worst ones, she could see he was a man of manual labour, his fingers calloused and rough, she could see the scars across his hands and fingers from his dangerous work and it made her proud that he trusted her enough to let her touch him.

"There we go Michel, all wrapped up and I can give you some painkillers if you would like, your hands are going to be sore for a while?" Maria inquired gently.

Spike looked up at her and then back at the ground, Sam squeezed his shoulder gently and he looked up at Sam.

"Spike, honesty remember, you need to let us know if you need anything, if we can do it, then we will!"

He switched views between the three people now near him.

Sam, Maria and Mikhail, this was the group trying to help him stabilize and heal, he tried to look at Maria and she smiled as he caught her eye.

"I need sleep, I'm sore and don't want to feel anything!" he whispered.

"Where are you sore Spike, are your wounds hurting or is it too many emotions?" Sam asked gently.

"Both, everything, I want to sleep, let me sleep, please just stop the dreams and take them away!" he cried out.

Maria saw what was going to happen before anyone else did and she passed him the small paper bag and held it over his nose and mouth, she got Sam to count the breaths down as Mikhail grabbed the oxygen and she went to get her medication from the cabinet. Mikhail helped Sam get Spike onto his bed and into his boxers and t-shirt, he was burning up again and the reaction was having a systemic effect on his whole body and what he was asking was not too much.

Sam lowered the oxygen mask onto Spike's face as Mikhail dialled up the monitors and re-attached the leads to Spike's fingers, he didn't like the look of any of them and cranked up the o2 and hooked him back up to fresh IVs; Maria came back into the room and passed Mikhail the painkillers for the IV and she went to sit beside Spike who was being coached through his breathing.

"Spike, you have done really well today and I am agreeing to sedate you this one last time, Mikhail is going to work with you in a day or so to help you learn how to control these reactions, it's much better than the drugs I can give you and you will feel stronger."

Spike blinked and she wiped his face of the tears scalding his cheeks.

"Okay, time to sleep Michel, you need to rest and when you wake up tomorrow morning I will have pancakes and bacon for you with orange juice, maybe even some coffee!" she said handing Mikhail the sedative.

Sam held Spike's hand until he fell into a deep sleep, after a check of the vitals he slumped into the chair and took a shuddering breath.

"That is an issue I didn't even consider, Jack does look like Antonio!"

"That's why I am leaving for his safety, we need to talk Sam!"


	44. I just need a breakthrough

Sam looked up to see Jack standing in the doorway, he looked pained and after a moment Sam went to join him, always keeping an eye on Spike as he lay on his bed unconscious and bloody.

"I can't stay here Sam, it's a huge risk to Spike ever getting better, so I need to leave." Jack was whispering outside Spike's door.

"If your small smile triggers him, small things that resemble his past, then how will that not affect him on the outside world? He had a full psychotic episode because you smiled at him, something so innocent and peaceful!" Sam ask wearily, he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer.

"It will be fine by then Sam, once he goes through the appropriate training and councilling sessions, and all measures are taken to ensure everyone's safety in the event he does have another episode. We knew this was not going to be easy when he was registered for the project and what he has been through is going to take a lot of work on everyones part, especially his!"

"So who's going to be doing the therapy sessions?" Sam asked.

"Well we all discussed it, and we think you should, you're the only one he truly trust and he responds to you which is a major show of trust, I can give you the training and the right things to say but you will probably know most of it anyway, from past experience and your job deals with the basics of it. He needs your support more than mine, and Mikhail and Maria will be here to guide you along."

Sam sighed as he stared at the man, he wasn't sure about this and he was terrified to the core.

"If you give me this, his future is in my hands, I don't know if I ca-" Jack put his hand on Sam's shoulder.

"If you do it Sam, there is probably more chance he'll survive, he needs people he can trust right now, and in his eyes you're the only one who hasn't let him down yet. You said yourself that he has broken promises to your Sergeant and team before to save their lives, he wont trust them because he doesnt think they trust him, it's a two way street and he is stuck at a dead end."

Sam realised what was being said and he could see the logic in his method, but being responsible for the sanity and future life of Spike was a task he was crapping himself about,what if he screwed up. Spike was family.

"Sam i would not leave unless i had to, in all my years of being here i have never seen such a violent reaction to a simple gesture, his fear is elemental and its not anger he is feeling, its homicidal rage, terror and grief! Mikhail has agreed to start physiotherapy early, he believes that getting Spike active again in the barn will help settle his energy and strengthen him up, it will also work as an outlet to unleash his fears in a safe environment, something we can both recognise that he needs badly!" the doc continued.

"Will you return if we need you?" Sam inquired hopefully.

"I will, but if you request my prescence then it is for his transfer to the secure unit and i will place him under the Mental Health Act and remove all his rights, you dont need a PHD to help Spike, you need honesty, a clear head and inner strength, both of you have that, you just need Spike to tap into his reserves and to start fighting for his life instead of running from it."

It was a smiliar speech to what Mikhail had given to Sam when he was doing PT in the barn and it really made things clear in Sam's mind about what he was needed to do; he looked at the doctor and nodded before shaking his hand and watching him leave the compound. He turned back into the room and looked at both Maria and Mikhail who were sitting guard over Spike.

"Tomorrow you wake him up, detox him and then we drag him back into the world screaming, he's using the meds as a safety blanket and isnt facing his fears, that stops tomorrow. No pain meds unless he is screaming, no sedation unless he has a really bad episode and get him on proper food and drink...this ends tonight!"

Sam grabbed his phone from beside his bed and ran out into the field opposite the house, he walked around for a moment before reaching into the long grass and getting his stomach under control, seeing his buddy so distraught was making him lose his mind and he had enough of it, Spike was a fighter and he was not giving up on him.

He dialled a number on his phone and waited.

"I think I know how to help Spike but we have a problem!" Sam said clearly into the phone.

"What's the plan?" the voice replied.

"I'm going to break him down and then build him back up, but i need every single thing from the case - all photos, crime scene stills, photos of his family and everything. I need to shove reality into his mind and get him to wake up from his nightmare,I need him to fight!"

"It could break him too Sam!" the voice replied.

"It's a chance we have to take, get it up here by courier tonight; I need to plan my attack!"

He clicked off his phone and took a calming breath before heading back into the house and preparing for war.

5 hours later and SUV pulled up containing all evidence from the previous cases; Sam walked up and took the secure boxes containing the ledgers of evidence and CCTV images and recordings.

"Sam, are you sure about this?"

"Boss, it's the only way, he needs to face it and it's now or never" Sam looked at Greg.

He was almost pleading with Greg and he knew what he was going to attempt was beyond dangerous.

"Right let's go" Greg walked into the building with him.

"Boss, you can't see him yet, he's nowhere near ready."

"I know but, I'm going to help you set this room up." Greg gave him a small smile.

Once in the room, they began sticking photos of the case up, until the walls were completely covered, there was two different T.V screens relaying the moment his Ma was shot, and another displaying the fight between him and his brother before he was also shot, once all the photos were stuck on the walls, Sam placed all the pictures Spike received and then the notes.

Sam took a step back and looked around the room, he sighed and put his head down, he really didn't want to do this to Spike, but it was his last resort he needed a breakthrough with him, and if it means running over everything that happened he was going to do it.

Greg walked over and placed a hand on Sam's shoulder.

"How are you coping Sam?" He empathized the word 'you'.

Sam took a deep breath, and then looked at Greg saddened.

"I just want this to be over, I want him to be better, and I want him out of this place." Greg squeezed his shoulder; he didn't know what to say he wanted all that too.

"I don't blame you, boss, you know that right?" he whispered.

"What do you mean?" Greg was mildly confused.

"I lashed out on you for bringing Spike here, and I want you to know that I completely understand your reasons, truth be told I'm not sure he would have made it if he didn't" Sam burst out into tears.

Greg wasted no time in wrapping his arms around him, he knew Sam hated crying, he was wanted to seem strong to everyone but Greg wasn't going to allow his team to fall apart he knew this would only make them stronger.

"Buddy you listen to me!" Greg tears began to fall.

"No matter what happens, we are all here, Spike will get better even if it takes years, and even then we are all here, and Sam I don't want you to feel like you on your own, you need a break then you take it you hear me?"

Sam nodded.

"I don't need a break boss, just a break through!"


	45. From the heart

Greg left straight after everything was settled in the newly dubbed 'Room of Pain' and Spike was rolled into the room still thankfully unconscious; Maria had slowly stopped all his medication over the last couple of hours and he should wake up once they leave his system. All his medicine was taken from him; it was him, the room and the evidence. Sam made sure there was nothing he could smash or break, or even use to harm himself. The TV's were put high enough so he couldn't reach them and they had spent an hour or so padding the windows out with chipboard and pillows in case he decided to smash and make a break for it.

Sam sat with Mikhail and Maria, preparing himself for the explosion as they watched on the screens outside; they had set up CCTV to monitor Spike's vital via the independent patch on his chest, and also to know when to step in and assist if there was an serious risk.

Everyone's breaths stopped as a moan came from the bed, and a slight movement showed that hell was coming to that small room.

Spike slowly woke up, he was disorientated and not in his normal room overlooking the waterfall, then he noticed the walls. He wasn't sure if he was dreaming, he bought himself to the middle of the room, his throat burned and grew more intense as his eyes focuses on the horrors pinned to the walls and left on the table in plain view, he spun round looking at the all the images, the videos, the notes, he felt like he was reliving it.

His breathing become too intense he felt dizzy and felt his stomach cramped with the rising nausea, he fell to floor and broke down as he saw photos of his family smiling back at him, his tears dropped onto the floor as he screamed out, his cries piercing against the walls.

"Are you sure we should put him through this Sam, I can sedate him quickly?" Maria asked blinking through tears of her own.

"May God forgive me but this needs done!" he replied hoarsely.

Sam was outside the room and he was holding back tears, as he watched his team mate fall apart, his gaze never left the screen and the atmosphere was to intense outside, as everyone watched on with hope and horror. Sam was biting his knuckled praying for a little hope.

"Fight for me, buddy, please fight for yourself and everyone you love!" Sam whispered.

Spike was on his knees, head in his hand, he was still screaming out, his chest was too tight and he was gasping for air as he tried to gain control of the flashing memories in his head from right through his childhood and adult life and with all the members of his family. He looked up again, a sudden flash of rage and anger took over, he crawled to the nearest wall and began ripping the paper off and tearing the paper in half, he was screaming hate towards the people in them.

His Ma and brother, his father and cousins, he was throwing his fist at the walls, he crawled over to the bed he was brought in, he flipped it over, he had too much rage and adrenaline and nothing he could take it out on, he began shaking as he began attacking the walls again. He ran to the door and tried the handle but nothing would budge.

"YOU SONS OF BITCHES, LET ME OUT!" he screamed.

He punched the reinforced door hard, his knuckles tearing and bleeding as he ripped the flesh on the metal rebar that secured the patient inside; he wasn't letting up his vicious attack and he continued to scream and swear at everyone and everything. Sam stood up as he went to get him before he could damage his hands again, they were still open wounds from the glass mirror and he knew Spike needed strong hands for his work. He continued to the door when Mariah grabbed his hand.

"Where are you going?" She whispered.

"Look at him, I've destroyed him, he's not stable in that room, I have caused more damage! He's going to hurt himself or the stress is going to give him a massive heart attack!" Sam said, tears almost falling.

She shook her head and dragged him back across to the monitors that Mikhail was closely monitoring.

"Sam this is good, this is really good, look at him" She dragged him over to the screen.

"Mikhail, rewind to the point where he first falls."

Sam looked on confused; she pointed the screen and then hit play.

"Right now watch closely, he collapses right, look at his chest heaving, right there he has lost control of his breathing and wait a minute." She fast forwards a little.

"He lifts up his head and looks at the walls again, he's controlling it Sam, he trying to fight, it worked!" She smiled at him.

"How the hell has this worked? He's punching and attacking the walls. Can you not hear him screaming in there?" He said a little tempered.

"Sam, it's worked, he's learning and it's going to take a while, you've just shoved everything in front of him, what did you want him to do, pull out a newspaper and pretend everything is ok, obviously the rage was going to happen, but you can see he's trying to fight it." She paused and calmed a little.

Sam paced slightly as he heard the howls and screams coming from inside the locked room, he felt like there was a wild beast in there instead of his brother.

"Sam that fact that he's ripping it off the walls and responding is showing us he knows it's real; it shows he's ready to make it stop. Sam he's fighting back and his subconscious is dealing with the horror, you would not see this violent a reaction in someone who had given up on life."

Sam looked at her and then back onto the video feed, he saw Spike leaning against the wall, breathing slow and deep and staring at the walls he had just covered in his own blood and sweat.

Spike was shaking as he threw up into the bucket beside the wall, he'd destroyed the pictures, he couldn't get the screen's to stop, they were too high, he looked at them once and he felt the sick rise in his throat, he smacked both his hands against the wall, as he leant against it, trying to gather his thoughts and control his breathing, he turned and lent his back against it, he let the tears fall, his emotions show, his guard was down as he slid down the wall and crashed into a pile of tears.

"Please, make it stop!" a small voice whispered.

All three people outside gasped as they heard the small childlike voice of the man inside make a plea for his sanity.

"That enough switch the screens off." Sam ordered Mikhail.

"Sam, he's going to be pretty raw, be careful." Mariah warned.

"I'll be ready with the sedation if needed, one sign from you and I will knock him out alright!" Mikhail confirmed.

Sam just nodded, before he began to unlock the door he sent up a prayer and he slowly eased it open and walked in, locking it again so Spike couldn't run away, he saw Spike broken on the floor, that sent a hammer to his heart, he took a deep breath and thought his emotions, this is for Spike and he will not show Spike any weakness, they needed to be strong together.

Sam bent down, putting some distance between them, at this stage Spike was unpredictable and he would feel devastated if he hurt Sam.

"Spike buddy, let's get you out of here."

Spike head shot up, his face soaked from the tears, he pounced forward taking Sam with him, and he managed to get on top of Sam, throwing hard punches straight at his face. Screaming abuse at him, his rage had finally come out in shocking assaults towards his team mate, his friend, his family and he let the rage take control over him as he targeted the cause of pain.

Sam flipped them over and pinned Spike down, he felt the blood dripping from his mouth and nose, he needed to remain calm, but he was finding it hard; he was looking into Spike's eyes, as he kept him pinned.

"Spike, look at me, it needed to happen, you needed to see it!" Sam said through clenched teeth.

Spike refused to look him in the eyes until his face was forced to look upwards and right into Sam's eyes; his stomach clenched tightly and he flinched as Sam noticed the pain across his restraint and eased up slightly. Spike whacked Sam's hand from his shoulder, and pushed him off as he crawled to the bucket again and violently threw up again, he stumbled as he gathered himself moments later and he tried to stand up straight and looked directly at Sam, who was just getting off the ground. He failed and landed in a pile on the floor and managed to right himself against the wall.

"I didn't need to see that Sam, I've already seen it, it's been playing over and over in my head, since it happened!" He hissed at him.

"Spike, you needed to realise it actually happened, you've been hiding away, behind your medicine and fear, I did this because I needed a true response, from the heart, and not a medical induced one."

"You want a from the heart reaction?" Spike spat out.

Sam didn't see the mid swing of Spike's punch as it connected with his face and smashed into his eye.

On the other side of the door Mikhail and Maria were desperately trying to get in, Sam had locked the door and taken both keys in, they couldn't understand why he'd done it, they'd already told him 100% honesty, when they realised they couldn't get in they watch in horror as another fight broke out.

"Holy crap, he's going to destroy Sam, why won't he fight back?" Maria demanded.

"Because Sam knows he is partially responsible for Spike's pain, and is giving him a free pass!" Mikhail replied.

Sam took the hit, and the second, but when Spike went for his third Sam shot one back, knocking Spike of his feet and slamming him into the upturned bed, Sam continued to walk toward him and had him pinned against the wall.

"Spike this is the evidence, look at it! This is everything that has happened and you can't change it, but you can move on…We can move on!" His eyes were furrowed, he was screaming in Spike's face.

"Easy for you to say, you didn't have your Ma and brother shot right in front of you by a member of your own team! I don't care what they had done, no one should have seen that!" Spike spat back pushing Sam out of his body space.

Sam walked off to the other side of the room, the intense atmosphere in the room was spine chilling, and both men were growing angrier. Sam turned around, let the tears fall as he witnessed the man crumple onto the floor again. Spike's shoulders slumped as a picture on the floor caught his eyes, he reached over to it, he didn't notice Sam watching him, he picked it up and looked at it, he eyes furrowed, he took a deep breath, and he clenched a fist, as he felt a wave of affection.

"I miss her Sam" He bit back the tears.

"I know buddy!" he replied.

Sam walked over and took the picture from him; it was the one of him and Winnie, as they were kissing outside his house and looked happy. Sam dropped it on the floor and drew Spike into a deep compression hug, he was so proud that he'd just realised what he had at home, he was finding it hard not to burst out into tears himself.

Spike pushed him back a little as he moved to ease the ache of his body, Sam was looking for damage and noticed the dark stain against Spike's stomach, he hoped the wounds hadn't reopened due to the violent outburst.

"It's not just her you know, I mean I miss you lot too." He paused taking a deep breath.

"I'm trying Sam, I'm really trying but it's so hard, I try and think of all the good things and I end feeling angry, angry for being alive and being happy!."

This was guilt, the raw emotion of survivor's guilt that was left in Spike's mind and he knew this is what Greg would need to work on with Spike, Mikhail and Sam could work with the physical side, Maria the medical, but Greg was needed to talk to him, to get him to realise how much he is loved.

"We miss you too buddy, and that's why we're going to get through this ok."

Spike looked up at Sam and then back at his hands, his whole body was shaking from exhaustion, lack of food and obvious serious pain; Sam pulled him against his chest and let him rest and gather his thoughts.

"Sam, I don't know if I can, look at me I'm a mess" He sank to floor and lay down.

Sam knelt down beside him and checked his pulse, it was slow and sludgy.

Sam made a gesture to the camera and he could hear the scuffle of chairs outside as they went and got things ready for Spike.

"Don't talk like that Spike, don't you ever say that again!" Sam sternly said.

"You have a family, and beautiful women, gunning for you to make it through, just because your family made the stupid mistake of giving up on you doesn't mean we will! The one thing our family has in common is we are all damaged by horrors in our life, we hoped that you would be the one pure soul in our mists and I am so sorry this had to happen! But we are not giving up on you, so don't you dare give up on us!"

"Everything just feels numb right now, like I am living a nightmare!" he whispers.

"We love you Spike, all of us! Do you believe that much?" Sam inquired squeezing his shoulder.

Spike began to cry and nodded.

"Spike, if I tell you something about the case, do you think you can handle it?" he said gently.

Spike looked at Sam wearily before he nodded.

"When you were at the graveyard, the time you run away from the hospital, well the reason we found you is because we had an anonymous photo bought into that station, we did research later on, gathering evidence and the anonymous tip off was from your Ma."

Spike's head shot up and he flinched in pain.

"I think she cared Spike, I just think Antonio dug his claws in way to deep and targeted her weakness for family!"

Spike began to cry again, Sam sighed as he moved over and pulled a pillow up for Spike's head, as he crawled into a ball and howled in grief.

Sam ran across to the door and unlocked it as he let Maria and Mikhail in the room, they both quickly got to work checking vital and providing some basic pain relief as Mikhail helped Spike into the new trolley they had rolled in; Maria treated Sam with some ice packs and painkillers and then headed through to the other room and went to work with Mikhail.

Sam wandered through a few minutes later once he had recovered his mental balance and saw Spike had been hooked back up to oxygen and a double IV, Maria had bloods taken and she was in the process of dressing the wounds across Spike's stomach and hands again that had ripped open or were fresh, she wasn't too happy with the fever he was burning with but Mikhail came in the room again with a small bottle and attached it to the IV.

"What are you giving him?" he asked tired.

"Amoxycillin and Omeprazole, he has a fever from a systemic infection his last blood work came back with, seems the stab wound to his spleen caused a little infection. Should be easily treated but we need to get him to eat to build up some strength." She replied kindly to both men.

She looked down at Spike who had roused, and was frowning at the oxygen mask.

"Hey Michel, please don't move the mask, you need the oxygen therapy after today; we're giving you some fluids, antibiotics and something to settle the heartburn and queasy stomach alright but I would like you to try and have some soup for me in an hour, do you think you could manage chicken soup?"

He blinked and nodded weakly before closing his eyes again.

Maria looked up at both of the men and tears ran down her face as she indicated to her hands, both men looked at her and smiled.

Spike had recognised that she was trying to help him and make him comfortable by taking away the physical pain he was in, he had taken her hand and gripped his fingers around hers and squeezed.

Sam looked at them all and landed on the chair beside the bed.

"He's going to be okay!"

Both Mikhail and Maria nodded and watched over their charges with a smile.


	46. It was in his reflection

Sam was exhausted and both Mikhail and Maria could see it clear as day, they knew he wasn't sleeping well and the added stress of what he decided to put Spike through was eating him up inside.

For the last 11 days they had done nothing but monitor Spike, treat his wounds and watch him go to pieces over the simplest of things, they didn't know how much he could physically or mentally handle things without being force fed or compulsory detained under a Mental Health Section – that was until Sam came up with the nightmare scenario they had just cleared up next door.

Maria was busy checking on Spike who was starting to cool down after his fever broke early in the morning, it had peaked at 103.6 and she was concerned she was going to have to call the surgeon and get him to remove his spleen if the fever didn't break, better to be rid of the damaged organ than suffer the effects of a serious complication. As Maria worked her magic on Spike, she nodded to Mikhail who was watching Sam closely for signs of a breakdown or exhaustion hitting him hard.

"Sam, I have a plan for you and Spike when he feels a little better this afternoon and has tried to have something to eat, maybe you would like some stress relief too since you have been cooped up in this house for days without any way to relax?" he said gently.

Sam looked up at him and nodded as he followed Mikhail downstairs and out the sheltered corridor towards the barn and swimming pool, it was bigger than Sam remembered and his fingers itched to go swimming since he found it so relaxing.

"I was thinking that some zero- G therapy may help him, he's lost muscle mass due to his injuries and stress and he's going to feel the difference once he leaves here, we can start off with some basic exercises in the safety of the pool and start physiotherapy sessions, beneficial to both of you!" he replied.

Sam immediately warmed to the idea and nodded, his spirits rose as he knew Spike loved to swim in the pool and sea whenever he got the chance, it would settle him and give him much needed exercise, even tire him out naturally instead of with the drugs they were weaning him off.

"After lunch Sam, it's still really early and you need to sleep some more, we'll wake you up if needed, but you can't help him if you're sick yourself!"

He rubbed his eyes and nodded, Mikhail grabbed his shoulder and brought him back to his room, ensuring he was comfortable and left their charges to sleep under the watchful eye on Maria as he went to set things up.

Spike started to wake up slowly, for once not in incredible pain, he began opening his eyes and he looked up after a moment, he was surprised to see that he wasn't connected to an IV and there were no medication pumps beside him, he did feel twinges as he moved his hands and then realised why. He leaned back down on the bed and closed his eyes, breathing through the recall he was having and surprisingly not freaking out about for once, he opened his eyes as he hear a soft snore and looked to his right side. Sam was out for the count on the bed near him and he looked like he had gone about ten round with a boxer, then he realised that the boxer was actually him and he flinched as he remembered every punch and swing he made at his friend. He managed to pull himself out of the bed and make his way to the bathroom where he managed a shower and carefully dried himself off with the large fluffy towels, he was thankful for the lack of a mirror, he didn't want to see the empty husk of a man he was now.

After sliding into some comfortable combats and a comfy t-shirt and trainers, he made his way slowly out of the room and very slowly down the stairs, he had never been outside the room more than twice but his stomach and nose were leading him along a corridor where he heard gentle music playing and a gentle laugh of two people. He was about to go back out the way he came but whatever they were making smelled good and he remembered the promise to Sam to eat something when he woke up, he knocked the door gently and walked in. Both Maria and Mikhail looked up and smiled in joy at their visitor.

"Michel, please come in and join us, it's wonderful to see you up and about!" she said pulling him out a seat and guiding him in gently.

He felt a little embarrassed, he had disturbed them but hunger won this round and his belly rumbled over the smell of pancakes, coffee and what looked like fresh fruit cocktail.

Mikhail joined him at the table, slowly easing himself into the chair and giving Spike his space, he smiled warmly at him and motioned for a glass of milk while he chose what he wanted to eat. Mikhail passed it over to him and Maria winked as she passed him a small pancake and lots of fruit cocktail.

"Better to start small and work your way up Michel, your stomach will be tender and I need you to drink this for me, too much codine isn't a good thing and I don't really want you to suffer!" she whispered.  
Spike looked at her and nodded, he had a bad dose of the 'toughies' when he was younger and it was agony, he downed the foul tasting drink and thanked her for the forethought.

He slowly tucked into the snack and both of the others let him eat in peace as they gently discussed the news and weather, all normal daily stuff and it was relaxing him slowly and gently; he didn't feel threatened with them and he knew they meant him no harm.

A few minutes later he managed to finish the small breakfast and half waited for the nausea to come back, he looked at Maria and she smiled, shaking her head as she understood his silent question.

"No Spike you shouldn't feel sick after eating, but I want you to tell me the moment you do okay, your system has been through the ringer and needs time to adapt back to basics. Do you want me to go over what has happened since earlier?" she inquired gently.

He leaned back and nodded, Mikhail passed him another glass of milk and another small pancake which he managed to slowly chew on, it eased his stomach rumbles and he knew his stomach must be about the size of a chestnut by now since he hadn't eaten in weeks. Mikhail pulled over some notes from the table and turned them around for Spike to look at, they wanted to show him honesty and trust so they showed him his medical and MH file since admittance to hospital.  
"You were pretty out of it due to the drugs and the relapse but that was to be expected, your injuries were severe and having stab wounds on top of a GSW and several beatings really took it out of your body; the good news is that the fever and systemic infection that had its claws around you has dropped off and you should feel a lot less pain around your abdomen and chest, it's a good sign and even better news that you are on basic medications only now."

Spike looked up, he knew he had been using the drugs and sedation as a safety blanket, he didn't want to deal with the horrors in his life and Sam forced him to relieve every single one yesterday. He didn't know if he was angry or relieved, his head still felt messed up.

"We have a little plan of action for today and I think it is something that you and Sam will both enjoy, would you like to take a walk with me and I can show you my pride and joy?" Mikhail asked gently.

They both let him take his time in answering, he was curious about the rest of this place and he was also bored, he had the patience of a one year old and always needed to keep busy tinkering with Babycakes or researching for his IT and bomb training; he looked up at them both after a shuffle and nodded.

They both guided him along the corridors since he was still weak and tender, he refused the chair and wanted to do at least this on his own, they nodded and supported his elbows when needed as they made their way into the stone barn and he felt the heat of the pool; he looked around and a small smile played on his lips, the first in weeks, the first genuine smile in weeks.

"I was thinking we can do some physiotherapy in the water, the Zero-G will help buoyance and get some of your muscle tone back through gentle exercises; I don't expect heavy duty workouts, we start small and then build up over the next few days but I think it will be better for you to be proactive in your care now than once you leave, what do you think Spike?" Mikhail asked.

He looked at the deep pool that had a small ramp and stairs built into the ground for access, he saw the floating aids and the underwater weights to anchor him, saw the three diving boards, the place was huge.

"Outside therapy can I come in here to swim?" he asked.

"As long as Sam is with you, the trust is there and you care for each other, he knows the exercises you need to do to get back up to strength and he was all for this today!" he replied.

Spike suddenly frowned and looked dejected, both Mikhail and Maria moved closer to him for a moment and supported his elbows in case he was going to have a weak spell; he shook his head at them and flushed slightly.  
"Are you alright?" Mikhail inquired, checking his pulse.  
"I don't have any swimming shorts?" he murmured.

Maria nodded and chuckled, both Mikhail and Spike looked at her and she grinned cheekily.  
"As much as I would like to see you in your birthday suits boys, we have swim wear for you Spike, Sam was pretty thorough when he packed the bags. How about I go get some towels and your gear and you can show Spike the changing room?" Maria replied laughing, both men grinned and she cracked up again and left them too it.

As Mikhail took Spike to the changing room he stopped suddenly, he had visions of the place covered in mirrors and nearly balked; Mikhail supported his elbow and shook his head, understanding the reluctance.

"The mirrors have been covered Spike, a forethought we had; when you are ready to see yourself in the mirror then you can look." he whispered.

He led them both into the changing room and saw that every mirror was covered up by the heavy cloths, he blew out a small breath and took a seat on the chair as Mikhail showed him what exercises were going to be used.

Back in the house Sam stirred from his sleep and rolled over, he felt a lot better than earlier and the seven hours sleep must really have helped him, he turned around to see if Spike was awake and saw the empty bed, his face fell and he jumped out of the bed, ripped his shoes back on and ran down the stairs at full speed. He bounced into every room and called out to Spike, he got no answer and was starting to panic until he saw Maria with a basket of towels and shorts in her hands.

"Maria, where is he, where's Spike?" he demanded.

She calmed him down as she put the basket on the table, he was freaking out and had obviously just woken up and reacted; she got him to sit down with a glass of water and smiled.

"He woke up an hour ago and came down, he's eaten a little breakfast and Mikhail is taking him to the water right now to start physio, do you want to join then?" she inquired holding up towels.

He leaned back against the chair and nodded, this was amazing news and after running back upstairs to get his own shorts, he made his way down to the pool changing area and saw Spike beside Mikhail getting some information. Spike looked up and flinched as he saw the bruises, Sam shrugged and smiled widely as he clocked his buddy up and active for the first time in weeks.

Mikhail headed to change along with Sam and told Spike he would meet in the pool stairs; they wanted to give him the option of getting ready and taking the first step in his rehab programme.

Spike slowly came out of the changing room and he didn't know if he wanted to look down at his body or not, he had to remove all his dressings for this swim and he knew it would sting due to the chlorine in the water, he could handle that, a little pain for a lot of relaxation.

He made his way along the locker row and stopped suddenly, he wanted to but he didn't, he needed to, but wasn't sure if he could. He sat down slowly on the bench and closed his eyes in prayer.  
'Okay boss, I know I am hurting and I know I am being tested, but this really hurt and I think I understand how you must have felt – but I am going to try and be strong with help of Mikhail and Maria and my family and team, they are there for me 24/7 and I am blessed to have them in my life. So I make you a deal? Protect them for the rest of their natural lives and I will accept this and become a survivor.'

He blew out a slow breath and blessed himself, he stood up and walked slowly to the covered mirror and touched a corner of the heavy material, he took a couple of relaxing breaths and ripped the material to the side.

His body was still his own but scarred.  
His injuries were vivid and would leave permanent reminders of his abuse.  
His body had wasted due to his neglect and that annoyed him.

He looked up in the mirror as he gently touched every stab wound, GSW, bruise and laceration inflicted against his body by his family, he felt the rage ebb slightly and his eyes brighten at the realisation he had just turned a major milestone in his recovery, he could look at himself without disgust.

He heard a noise behind him and looked up in the mirror, his hand still covering the worst of the stab wounds and deep bruising that was under his ribs, his eyes watered slightly as the person came up behind him and laid his hand on his shoulder.

"We do this together Spike, as a team, as a unit and in full honesty!" Sam whispered.

They both looked at the mirror and Sam could feel the muscles in Spike relax as the heat of the pool environment seeped into his body, he looked up at Sam and took a deep shuddering breathe.

"Together right?" he whispered.

"Always brother!" he replied strongly.

Both men walked out into the open plan pool area and Mikhail saw the immediate change in Spike, Sam nodded and pointed to the mirror on the wall, Mikhail grinned and got the floating aids ready for Spike's first session.


	47. The notes

UPLOADED TWO, MAKE SURE YOU'VE READ THE ONE BEFORE THIS :) - THANK YOU FOR READING AND REVIEW :)

A week later and Spike's progress was only getting better, he was outside sitting on the grass and looking at the waterfall again, he couldn't put his finger on what it was about it, it was beautiful, his attention was drawn away when Sam sat down next to him.

"How are you feeling buddy?" Sam whispered.

Spike just continued to stare out and then looked down, contemplating his answer.

"I – err – getting there" He said with a nod.

Sam just smiled, and it became silent but it wasn't uncomfortable, more peaceful. Sam looked at Spike reading his expression; wondering if now would be a good time to break the news. Sam cleared his throat and began.

"So Mikhail and Maria think now's a good time, to erm.." Sam stopped short at Spike's glare, he looked like a child his eyes half watering, Spike could tell by Sam voice it wasn't going to be good.

"Here" Sam passed over 4 sealed envelopes "There from the team, you don't have to open them now, but they think you're ready to make the decision."

Spike sighed in relief, he thought it was going to be something bad about his progress, maybe he wasn't making any, he took the envelopes and stared at them eyes knotted together, he stared at the names intensely.

He put them down to his side and continued to look out.

"Why'd you hesitate to tell me Sam?" Spike asked curiously.

Sam sighed and run his hand through his hair. Spike turned to look at him, Sam caught his glance and he couldn't work it out, he didn't know if he was angry or upset.

"Honestly?" Sam sighed again "I'm scared of doing something, something that will send you back to the start, you've gotten so far, and I'm so proud of you Spike, and I don't want these letters to be part of the problem, this is the first sort of contact you will have with everyone outside of those gates, and if you're not ready then please don't!"

Spike just nodded and looked back the brown envelopes, placed by his foot, just lying on the grass unopened, he could see where Sam was coming from, but he was also a bit annoyed, Sam knows the team and he knows there would be nothing that would send him back to the start in the letters, he just wasn't sure he wanted to read them.

"You know what man, I will leave you to it, and just let me know if you need me!" Sam said as he stood and walked off.

"Sam" Spike almost shouted, as he turned, he caught Sam's gaze. "Thank you" Spike smiled slightly.

Sam nodded at him and returned the smile, before walking off into the building, leaving Spike sitting down just staring at the envelops, he took a deep breath before picking up the first one, before he'd even opened the seal his eyes began watering. Sam explained how they was only aloud a paragraph each because he didn't think essays was what Spike needed right now.

'_Spike_

_ Ready for you to come home now buddy, we miss you and we love you and I promise you whatever happens you are not alone. I will make sure that you know that you have us. When you come home we will get you back to your old ways soon enough. It's not the same buddy! – I think babycakes is having some withdrawal. _

_ Love you, Ed.'_

As Spike read that he pushed his anger aside. He didn't know how to react to Ed, he wasn't sure how to forgive him, but he knew he had to there was no choice for Ed, he had to shoot and Spike understood that to some extent. He moved on to the next one.

_'Spike_

_ Missing my little brother, not the same without your annoying pranks, never thought I would miss them but apparently I do, I love you. When you come home you're buying the biggest round of drinks! Just know the no matter what happens, I will always be here for you ALWAYS! _

_ Jules xx'_

That one got him, he sobbed as clenched his fist around the paper, taking deep breaths, he knows how to control it, he began trying harder to control his breathing, he put the paper down next to Eds, as he stared at the next two envelopes, he knew these would be harder but he needed to read them.

'_Spike_

_ I would be lying if I say this hasn't been hard, and you have scared the crap out me these last couple of months, but I hope this is the start of getting back on track, because I need you to keep me sane. I will do my hardest to protect you when you back, forget the whole I love you like a son thing because I don't love you like my son. I love you because you are my son and always will be, Dean's happy to know he has a new brother. Getting told off for writing to much now._

_ I love you my son, Greg.'_

The paper started to shake in his hand, his tears hit the paper harder than before, he gripped his trouser leg trying to control himself, he was feeling angry for putting them through this, but he was also over whelmed by the support, he sat there for another half hour gathering his thoughts, realising what he had, and why he needs to do this and be stronger for them.

Spike stood up and picked up the remaining envelope and strolled over to the waterfall, for the first time feeling free enough to do so, he wanted to hear the water splash, wanted to feel the water around his ankles, he walked down the stairs leading to the bottom, and he really could hear it, all he could hear was water splashing, birds singing, the tree's bashing together as the wind hit them with force.

He sat down on the edge of a rock discarding his shoes and socks, he planted his feet in the water, he felt the tingle run right through his bones at the quick change in temperature, but as the blazing sun hit his skin, he soon found it relaxing. He looked down at the 4th envelope placed in his hands, read her name beautifully written across the front. He felt his heart clam up, his stomach squeeze tighter, as he slowly undid the seal, he pulled the letter out and held it in his shaking hands.

'_Dear Spike_

_ I would be lying if I said I know where to begin with this, so I will start by saying, I love you. I love you more than I ever thought possible and when this hell is over, I'll be waiting even if it takes years, I wasted so many years wondering and then I had you, and I know what it's like to be with you and it made me realise you are the only person in the world, that I will every truly be happy with. So for you Michelangelo Scarlatti, I will wait._

_ I love you, Your Winnie.'_

Spike burst out into floods of tears, he couldn't control it, he didn't want to. He loved her and he knew it, and he didn't deserve her not after the way he treated her, he lay back on the rock and held the note firmly in his hand as he listened to the nature around him, he let the tears role of his face and hit the rock. He wanted the ache to go, the pain to just disappear, and he knew that he wanted to go home.

Back to his family.


	48. No more drugs

Sam and Mikhail where standing with the rest of the letters, frantically trying to find Spike whilst Maria stayed back in case he returned, she was also checking the GPS as he was still wearing his anklet. She gasped in horror as she tracked him; she felt tears well up the sick rise in her stomach.

She knew this would destroy Sam.

Sam was getting frustrated as he screwed the letters up and shoved them in his pocket.

"I knew this was a bad idea, why did you let him have them!" He shouted at Mikhail.

"Sam, we need to find him and in order to find him we need clear heads here, now, are you going calm down or am I going to have to send you back to the house" Sam stood there and tensed he'd never seen Mikhail loose his rag, but Sam saw something in his eyes and if he didn't know any better, he'd think he saw fear.

Mikhail phone started ringing, he broke his gaze with Sam and pulled it out.

"Maria, have you found him?" He didn't waste time with hellos.

Mikhail felt his heart drop, his stomach twist, his eyes began watering as Sam watched on in horror, he watched a Mikhail shook his head indicating it was bad news to Sam, Sam bit down on his lip, the anticipation of waiting to hear what had happened to his brother was killing him.

Mikhail put the phone down, and looked over to the waterfall, then back at Sam, sighing as he dropped his head.

"Sam she traced the anklet, he's in the water, she thinks he.." He paused at Sam's cry, denying it before he had finished. "Sam, it's indicating he's in the water, and with the force with water and his body strength, it's more than likely that he ha-"

"No Mikhail, he said he'd fight" Sam face was bright red with anger, his tears filled his eyes. "He wouldn't do it to me" Sam hunched over, feeling like he was going to be sick.

Mikhail run to him for support, he held Sam's elbow as he threw up. As Mikhail looked up he clocked Maria running towards then, he could see the red puffiness around her eyes, he looked at her for a split second concerned, and then concentrated back on Sam.

"Maria, get him back to the house, I – I'm going to…" He couldn't finish, just gave the waterfall a quick glance before looking back at her, letting her know where he was going. She just nodded and then began to direct Sam back.

"No…" Sam pulled back.

"I'm going over there Mikhail, don't even bother trying to stop me!" He stood up angrily. The adrenaline hit him like a bolt of lightning.

"Sam I don-" He was cut short at Sam scoffing and barging past him.

"Sam please, don't do it to yourself."

Sam didn't stop walking, knowing Mikhail couldn't stop him, Sam wasn't officially a patient which meant his decisions were his own. Mikhail looked at Maria and they shared a knowing look of pain and panic.

"If he resists then you can hit the manual patch override of the anklet, I have some faith but it's not much!" Maria whispered. Mikhail then took off running after Sam, if he was going to go, he wasn't going alone.

Sam got to the stairs, he closed his eyes as he let the tears leak out of them, he turned when he felt a squeeze on his shoulder, Mikhail looked pained and just as scared as he did, he gave him a sympathetic smile, as Sam looked into his eyes he could see he was trying to find a way of stopping Sam but the just spurred him on even more.

Sam walked down the stairs slowly followed quickly by Mikhail, as he saw him, his heart dropped, he cried out as his knees buckled, and he fell to the floor, he saw Spike lying on his back, eyes closed. He screamed once more and Mikhail squeezed his shoulder again as Sam looked up.

He stared into Spike's eyes.

Spike jumped up from the rock and run over to Sam, wrapping his arms around him as he stood.

"Sam, what the hell happened?" Spike looked shocked and concerned.

"WHAT HAPPENED? WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT!" Sam pushed Spike back a little.

"What dead? Sam I wouldn't do that, I told you, I'm trying" Spike said getting tempered.

"Why didn't you tell me you were here?" Sam screamed, he knew he shouldn't be angry, but Spike had just scared the living crap out of him.

"Because you've taken my phone, because I wanted some time alone, because I'm not a child and I can do what I want?" Spike said raising his voice.

"Guys, calm it, this isn't the right time to do this, emotions and running high!" Mikhail intervened. He could feel how tensed up Sam was as his hand was still firmly placed on his shoulder.

"Why would you assume I was dead Sam, have you not been here for the last month or so?" Spike spat out. "I said I was going to try, and you said you trust me." Spike was fuming, as he glared at Sam.

Mikhail sighed and tugged Sam's shoulder, letting Sam know he was going to explain.

"Spike it was our fault not his, we couldn't find you so we tracked you through the GPS, it never even occurred to us you'd come here, and the GPS is only accurate within so many miles, so the monitor was displaying you was in the water." Mikhail ducked his head.

Spike bit back the anger, he wasn't sure what to feel, he was confused, upset and felt like the people he trust the most, had just lost trust in him. Spike just shook his head angrily as he barged past both men, until Mikhail grabbed him arm.

"Where are you going?" Mikhail's voice became stern.

"I'm not going to kill myself, if that's what you mean." Spike spat out, as he continued to the stairs.

Spike didn't really no where he was going, he was becoming stir crazy, seeing the same people, the same building and the same scenery, he just wanted to get out, he ended up sitting in the long grass, facing the gates, hoping they'd open but knowing they won't.

"Spike?" Sam almost whispered as he sat down.

"Go away Sam." Spike wasn't trying to be nasty, he was hurt.

"Spike, I trust you, you know that right, I didn't want to believe you were dead, I didn't believe it and that's why I come to find you but when I saw you the position you was laying…" Sam took a deep breath before continuing. "it really did look like you was de-" Sam chocked on the last bit, the image still stuck firmly in his head

"I wouldn't Sam, not now" Spike whispered, shooting Sam a quick glance, in a way he felt sorry for Sam, he didn't really think about it, he just reacted on what he saw, he felt the trust was gone, but he can see the misunderstanding now, he knew it wasn't Sam's fault.

"I know that, Spike, I really do know that, I trust you!" Sam gave Spike's shoulder a squeeze.

Spike looked at the gates again and then Sam's head snapped up, he looked at Spike's leg and then tackled it, sending Spike onto the ground and Sam holding his anklet up for inspection.

"Eh Sam, Jules is only a few hours away and I am not that way inclined!" Spike said slightly confused.  
Sam stared at him mockingly and then clicked on the anklet, Spike looked away and felt his foot drop back to the ground.

"This anklet has a transdermal injector, why didn't it go off?" Sam thinks aloud.

"Because I disabled it, no more drugs Sam, for the love of God , no more drugs!" Spike whispered.


	49. Sleep kiddo

Sorry for the delay, struggling a bit, but pulling through with help. Please review it helps.

Spike was sitting on his bed the next day, reflecting on his time at the Harvester project, he took a deep breath and suddenly felt overwhelmed; he realised how far he'd come and all that was going through his head was how his team helped him get there, Spike looked out at the long path that led to the gates again and sighed. He just wanted to get out now.

His head was spinning at thoughts of leaving though, he knew he could handle himself, but this has been his home for the last 3 months, the last time he was on the other side of the gates, he left hell for his team to pick up, his head snapped to attention when the door opened.

"You alright buddy?" Sam said mildly concerned.

"Yeah" Spike said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

Sam just looked at him, he knew he was lying and after the events yesterday by the side of the river, and the letters from the team he was concerned he had pushed too far too soon. Sam could read the stress in Spike's body language; see the slight panic in his eyes that crept out every once in a while, still…three months later and it was still there.

"Spike, maybe you should tal-" Sam stopped when Spike shook his head at him.

Sam just sighed as he went and sat on his bed, he sat right back so his back was on the wall and for a minute just stared at his buddy. Spike could hear Sam's brain at work and turned to look at him, Spike could see the stress in his eyes, the faint circles beginning to appear, he had caused that and it weighed heavily upon him and his loyalty. He looked over at his friend and leaned back against the wall himself, trying to get comfortable after a gruelling physio session with Mikhail in the pool and the dojo, he felt good, tired but stronger.

"Sam, I'm so sorry for all the pain I have caused, I'm a total pain in the arse I know, and I feel so guilty that I'm putting you through this. Sam, please know that if you ever want to leave, I wouldn't be hurt or mad, I would completely understand." Spike blurted out suddenly.

Sam stared into Spikes eyes intensely, and he could see genuine guilt and fear, there was a long pause, as Sam stared at Spike before he got a sudden flash of anger and leaned towards the other man and hissed.

"Spike, I have known you for over 5 years, and you really think after all we've been through so far that I would walk out, what do you take me for?" Sam said sternly.

Spike swallowed nervously and clenched the pillow tighter, a nervous habit he had developed to handle the pain, one he would need to stop hiding behind.

"I knew what I was in for before I came here, and I sure as hell would never let you go through it alone, so drop the guilt! I will never, in a million years, leave you to do this alone, do you understand? You helped me through some of the worst days I have ever had, remember the ice rink? I had quit the SRU and you single handily stocked my locker again and stood there in support, this is family loyalty and friendship, we never leave anyone behind!"

Spike just nodded sheepishly as he looked back out the window as he tried to avoid the anger from Sam, and the disappointment he was feeling, Sam knew he was still feeling guilty but it was something Spike needed to realise himself or it would start to eat him up again, that was something that scared Sam badly.

He ran his hand through his hair and took a couple of soothing breaths before he moved the topic from the elephant in the room, this was going to be difficult on Spike, maybe even cause a setback in his recovery.

"Spike…" Sam waited.

He waited for a few moments until Spike looked at him, he looked scared again; his body posture all tightly compacted to make him appear smaller. That was a massive sign of a setback for Sam, he would need to tell Mikhail and Maria and get their advice.

"I… we have some news, hopefully positive news and I need to know exactly what you feel when I tell you alright?" Spike nodded and tried to release the death grip on the pillow.

"We are bringing you a visitor from the team today, to see how you cope and then we will bring the rest of the team over the next couple of days, should today go well and there are no issues," he explained.

Sam's heart melted at the look of pure happiness in Spike's eyes, he looked like a child waking up to a room full of presents on Christmas day, Sam was slightly nervous for the next bit, he felt the lump in his throat, the sweat on begin to appear on his palms. He didn't like this but Mikhail explained the first visitor had to be the one who made an impact and might cause problems, so they could deal with it before he made progress with everyone else.

"Spike, you need to know this first" Sam paused. He saw the look of confusion on his face.  
"It's going to be Ed." Sam looked closely for Spike's reaction.

Spike felt his heart rate rise, the bile in his throat, he gave Sam a small smile, hoping Sam couldn't see how fake it was, the tears began to show as he bit them back, he tried to control the slight shake in his hands.

Sam noticed immediately.

"Spike, tell me what you are feeling, what do you need?"

Sam was off the bed at this rate as he watched Spike break down in front of him, his eyes going wild as his pulse rose and the flashbacks hit him one after another. Sam was quick, but Spike was quicker as he pushed off from the bed and ran out of the room and down the stairs towards the kitchen area. He followed his buddy down the stairs and saw Maria on the floor with Mikhail beside her as the backdoor lay open.

"Go after him!" she ordered.

Both Mikhail and Sam bolted out of the kitchen and looked at the horizon as they searched for their charge; they split up and searched the local area of the barn and gym, the field and river, there was no sign of him anywhere. Mikhail contacted Maria and asked her to trace the GPS tag, it was in the bedroom, Spike had disabled it and removed it from his ankle. Sam came around from the old path leading to the river and shook his head at Mikhail.

"What the hell happened, Sam?" he demanded.

Sam looked at him and raised his hands in surrender.

"I told him about the visit as we discussed, his heart rate increased, breathing became erratic and then he bolted, it was like he was relieving the day again, I thought we had got past this part with the room?" he explained.

"Apparently our charge hasn't been fully honest with us about how he is feeling recently, I noticed the quick changes in his mood and he has been pretty vicious at the gym dojo, how has he been sleeping?" Mikhail replied calming down slightly.

Sam looked at him and shook his head slightly.

"I noticed it a few days ago, he is sleeping less, his stress is up and I thought he was just bored, apparently not!" Sam replied.

Maria came running out of the house and ran towards the two men who were near the gate, she had the phone in her hand and the gate keys.

"Maria what's wrong?" both men demanded.

"Officer Lane just called, he arrived at the main gate and found Spike lying unconscious on the opposite side, and he's bringing him here fast!"

Maria ran for the main gates and opened them up as she heard the SUV sound its horn as it came over the hill, Mikhail ran back inside to grab the portable spine chair as Sam grabbed the first aid bag and ran out to meet the incoming injured.

Ed had the scare of his life as he pulled up to the main gate a mile away and saw a body lying on the ground, he got out and saw it was Spike and dialled the house immediately to get entry as he explained what he had found; Maria explained he ran out around an hour ago and the alarm had never gone off to signal the gates opening. After checking for vitals, he managed to drag Spike to the SUV and pull him into the back chairs and hit the accelerator to get to the house and help.

He pulled up less than thirty seconds later and shouted on Sam to help him get Spike out of the seats and onto the chair that Mikhail was carrying over, seconds later they had him lying flat and hooked up to the portable monitor and manoeuvred to the lift to get him back upstairs to his room, where Maria was waiting.

"I think he just passed out with a panic attack before he could disable the main gate and leave the grounds, he has a few bumps and bruises but nothing serious and should wake up in the next little while." She explained as she checked him over.

The three men looked at her and nodded, Mikhail led them to the kitchen area where they all sat down and tried to relax their breathing and heart rates. Sam was shaking slightly, he thought he had pushed Spike far too hard with the news and broke him again.

Ed was frankly shocked, not exactly the way he wanted today to happen.

Mikhail was stressed as he recognised the setback Spike had, and that he wasn't ready to be released as they all hoped.

Maria came down a few minutes later and passed them all the fresh coffee pot and some cakes, they all looked done in and it was Sam who broke the silence.

"Have I done this to him, made him worse?" he whispered.

"No, we knew this could happen, Sam, we just didn't think he would tamper with the gate system and try and leave under such stressful circumstances. He will be alright, my guess is that his brain still sees Ed as a massive trigger, I doubt he was expecting his first visitor to be him, no offence!" Mikhail replied.

Ed nodded.

"I thought we got past this, he was open to talking about everything, why the setback?" Sam demanded suddenly angry.

"Because he still sees me as the person who killed his mother and brother, not as his friend," Ed replied honestly.

The room was silent again as they all rested for a few moments, and then Mikhail made a move to go upstairs and start the first watch on Spike, Ed stopped him. Mikhail nodded and directed him to the top of the stairs and gave him the radio in case he needed help.

Ed slowly made his way up the stairs and into the room that had been prepped again for Spike, as he lay on his bed attached to the monitors, Ed remembered the last time he saw Spike like this and sighed as he saw the young man look no better than before. He knew he was a lot stronger now, but apparently he was still a massive trigger for Spike and would have to be careful in his actions and behaviour.

He took a seat across from the bed and pulled out his mobile phone, there was a message from Greg waiting on him.

'How's our boy doing, is he talking to you?'

Ed started typing a reply and then closed the phone when he finished. 'He tried to run, currently unconscious, I'm staying and sending Sam back tonight as temp TL.'  
He heard his phone beep and the man on the bed moaned slightly, he leaned back on the chair and sighed, his blue eyes crystal clear and full of determination as he looked at his friend.

"Sleep kiddo, for tomorrow brings a new world!"


	50. Coward

For the first time in a while Spike woke up in a gasp, the heart monitor machine beeped manically, and Maria was in the room before Spike even had a chance to open his eyes. She stood over the bed, as she calmed him down; using all the techniques he knew before as she refused to use medicine to calm him, they had come so far and she knew Spike was more than capable of calming himself. She kept back from the bed but within his sight so he knew she was there if he needed her help, he blinked slowly, the frown between his eyes deepening as he felt the massive headache.

"When you ready Michelangelo, were going to sit you up, remember who turned up yesterday, he's right here and ready to see you" Maria said keeping a calm and relaxed voice.

She knew it was dangerous grounds for Spike, with Ed here the atmosphere was going to be volatile at best, she just wished Sam hadn't left, he was the only one who could truly calm his brother down. She looked down on her charge, noticing his closed eyes and slightly heavy breathing, she moved slightly closer to him as she noticed the frown turning into a deep crease and he squeezed his eyes tightly.

Spike's eyes shot open as he took in a deep breath, he's breathing became heavy and fast again as he glared at Maria, fear was evident all over his face; Spike began shaking his head dramatically, the loud roar of the gun replayed over and over in his head, as his Ma fell lifeless. Maria watched as the tears streamed down Spike's face, as he gripped at the sheets, as the veins in his neck popped out as he tensed up, the only noise that filled the room was Spike's intense breathing and Maria soothing him.

"Spike, remember your breathing and slow it down for me, no one can harm you hear, this place is safe and you are doing so well!" she whispered clutching his hand.

Ed watched on in horror, he never knew the extent of Spikes state, Ed stood up to leave having seen too much but stopped when Spike screamed at him.

"Don't you dare leave" Spike went from scared to angry in a split second.

Ed spun round, eyes furrowed as he stared at Spike, the fire in Spike's eyes were unrecognisable to Ed, and the usually friendly, warm, brown eyes were filled with rage and fire. Ed was stunned and anxious at Spike's sudden movement, he swung his legs over the bed and stood up and took a step closer to Ed, Maria's eyes grew wide, this is how Spike had changed with Sam on the day of the fight and she felt fear for everyone's safety.

"Spike how about we take you both to the kitchen, we can sit down and talk?" Mariah said, trying to win Spike's attention.

Spike's gaze was locked on Ed.

"Why did you come here Ed?" Spike spat out.

Ed was stunned, he didn't know how to reply, or to keep Spike calm; the reason he had come was running through his head, but he was tongue tied, he just stared blankly at Spike.

"Stop being a coward Ed, why did you come here?" Spike tried again.

That got Ed. The fire run through his veins a mile a minute, the heat, the rage produced was almost painful, his gaze locked with Spikes, the intense gaze was adding fuel to the fire as both men grew angrier with each other.

"Guys, can we calm this down" Maria pleaded, praying Mikhail would walk through the door.

"I'm a coward?" Ed sternly said in disbelief.

Spike managed to get off the bed and had calmed his breathing down a little to make it more manageable, he was shaking with rage and Maria backed right off, ready to make a run for it out of the room.

"I'm a coward…you make it sound like I wanted to shoot your family, Spike I had no chose, it was either you or them." Ed shouted.

"It's my family Ed, I could have stopped it." Spike screamed back, tears flowing down his face.

"You're going to call that family? Sorry to be harsh here buddy, but you need to hear cold truth of this, I was there they were going to shoot you, I wasn't prepared to see you die, because your family hold some grudge, that isn't your problem and do I regret my decision no…" Ed hissed.

Spike glared at his team leader, his face blank, his eyes full of hate and rage.

"But not a day goes by where I don't wish things had gone differently." Ed's glare didn't drop. "So you can call me what you want, but don't you dare call me a coward."  
He finished trying to cool himself off.

Spike stood firmly in place and motioned with his hands around him, he was in pain again and Maria could see it, she hid her fear and swallowed.

"I've been locked up in this hell hole for over five months, my family are dead Ed, I am on my own!" Spike screamed.

Ed and Maria flinched at the rawness of his tone.

"And the only person who is responsible for that is you!" Spike continued.

The hairs on the back of Ed's neck stood up, he face screwed up with rage, his fist clenched at Spike's harsh words, and before he could stop himself it was already out.

"You don't think your family are responsible for this?" Ed shouted back twice as loud.

That was all Spike needed, he darted forward taking Ed to the floor and pinned him under all his weight; Ed could feel the difference in his body, he was a lot leaner but whatever they were doing for PT had changed his strength and centre of gravity, he was stronger now than before. Spike had him by the collar of his jacket and was trying to cool his breathing down as his head spun with the flashbacks going through his head; his stomach was rolling as he looked at Ed and heard gunfire, he needed out of the house again.

"Spike, you're stuck in the flashback, let us help!" Ed whispered.

"Spike, please let him go?" Maria whispered.

He looked up at her and she was ready with a Taser in her hands, it was pointed at Spike and he knew they hurt like hell; he slammed Ed back down on the floor and ran out of the room, down the stairs and out of the building, he didn't care where he ran too but he needed out of there before he went crazy, he spotted the fields where he relaxed before and made a beeline for his favourite spot in the high grass overlooking the hill crest.

Ed slowly got off the floor and Maria helped him up, checking on him to make sure he was unharmed by the violent manoeuvre Spike used to disarm him; he nodded to her and made sure she was alright.

"What the hell is going on, I thought he was ready to meet us?" he demanded.

Maria looked at him and beckoned him towards the meeting room downstairs; she grabbed some coffee and pulled Spike's medical files and notes from the last couple of months for Ed to see. She slowly started to explain his state when he came in, how he took unwell, fought back against the shrink and had violent episodes and wrecked his room and hands on furniture as he fought the demons inside his soul. She told him about the 'Room of Pain' Sam came up with and he was horrified, he knew they were planning something for him but to slam it into his face at point blank was basically killing him and turning his fragile state into a barren wasteland. She told him about beating up Sam, how he was ill again after getting out some unresolved issues and how Sam backed him up no matter what.

"He beat Sam up, that is not like Spike!" Ed whispered.

"No, but it was a very positive emotional response, if he didn't do anything then he was going to be detained under Mental Health; Sam's actions and quick thinking brought him out of the stupor he was in and made him face the horrors, they were a pretty picture for a few days afterwards!" she replied.

Ed nodded in response considering both had passed expert classes in hand to hand combat and close quarters training, but he would never have believed that Spike would intentionally harm Sam, someone who they both called brother when they had their meetings with the bosses.

"How bad was it, please I need to know?" he whispered.

Maria sighed and handed a copy of the flash drive of the 'room' experiment.

"We recorded it for him to watch when he was ready, we felt that there was a lesson to learn somewhere and Sam asked us to keep this safe, he isn't quite ready to watch it yet, but maybe in time he will be able to watch it without the pain in his eyes." She replied gently.

Ed looked at the innocent little object in his hand and realised that the information on here could make or break one of his closest friends and family members; his heart crumpled as he came to the realisation of what both Spike and Sam went through on that day and that maybe forcing his demands to be first here was a really bad idea. He stood up suddenly and Maria joined him as she sensed trouble in his body language, she touched his arm gently and he looked at her.

"I need to find him, do you know where he goes, does he have a favourite spot to relax in?" he asked gently.

"Follow the path along the old fenced corn field, take a left at the fork and climb the hill, he should be there overlooking the waterfall. Take this phone, hit the star button twice if you need assistance for anything and Mikhail and I will answer immediately."

Ed took the small phone and nodded as he made his way to the door, Maria called on him and he turned back round to face her.

"Be careful, Mikhail has taught him at least two martial arts and if cornered he can do some serious damage, Mikhail says he puts everything into his studies and he is a strong opponent, even for Mikhail." She said gently.

Ed nodded and headed in a jog along the path and towards the old fenced field.


	51. Selfish reasons

Spike had climbed the familiar pathway hundreds of times recently but never had he been in so much pain that each step felt like a million in full tactical gear; his breathing was erratic and the pain was slicing through him with every step he took before he landed in a heap in his favourite spot. He rolled onto his back and raised his legs onto the rock, pushing down to ease the pain and he lay back as he tried to cool his over working memory recall and breathing. Tears ran down his face as he saw moments with his family back in Italy as a child, playing with his brother in the fields, the factory his dad ran and the smells and tastes he craved as a child, the sight of seeing the floor through his mothers head.  
He rolled onto his knees and took some deep breathes to steady himself; he closed his eyes and prayed, prayed like he never had before to ask forgiveness for letting his family down.

"Spike you didn't let them down," a voice said.

He looked up and saw Ed standing at the crest of the hill, he looked broken and Spike turned from him before he let him see the pain the man had caused him.

"You know nothing of my pain, you pulled the trigger and didn't let me negotiate, I WAS TALKING HER DOWN!" he shouted suddenly.

Ed watched as the fury came back in Spike's eyes, he saw the raw emotion of a full blown post traumatic episode coming to an end, something he was familiar with after a Scorpio call going bad; he took a few steadying breaths and let Spike resume his quiet moment.

"I know you want to be left alone but I have to explain to you what we witnessed from our point of views, what we saw them do to you over the months! They abused you mentally, physically and emotionally all because you chose a career in law enforcement, how twisted is that? You risk your life on a daily basis with our team to help those who have lost hope and then crank it up during bomb calls! They should have been proud of you Spike!" he called gently.

Ed looked at Spike who was still on the ground curled up on his knees, he was looking pale and vulnerable but Ed knew with Mikhail's training he was now able to bring down guys within seconds. He moved slowly and calmly so he wouldn't spook his friend, he knew he was on the razors edge and one wrong move could prove very painful; Spike eyed him and flexed his muscles, ready to pounce if needed.

"I'm just going to lean on the fence here okay, I'm not coming closer, you want your space and I respect that buddy okay!" Ed said soothingly.

He managed to move into a better defensive position and took a breath as he slipped the phone into his pocket and took off his jacket, the heat was building and he needed the freedom of full movement if this went badly.

"When we got word from Sam that the letters were received with positive responses we wanted to see you immediately buddy, we have so much to tell you, Jules especially, but I was selfish and I wanted to see you first. I am being selfish today as I need you to understand….."

Ed stopped suddenly as he heard a hiss coming from Spike, it was a low growl that sent a shiver right up his spine; he looked at his friend and saw the glare he was being sent.

"You think after what you did to my mother and brother that I would want to see you? That I would want to sit down with you in the same atmosphere and listen to you pour your heart out over why you put a bullet in my mother and brothers body? That I would feel sympathy for you as you did your Job?" he hissed out.

Ed sighed and looked away for a moment before gathering his thoughts.

"I'm not looking for sympathy Spike, you were in danger of being shot again by your own mother! She had a gun pointed at her own son, she was distraught and the threat to you was so high the whole room was ready to open fire on her. I'm not looking for forgiveness Spike…." He stopped as emotion choked his throat.

Spike slowly managed to stand up to his full height and looked at Ed straight in the eyes.

"Good, cause you will find none here!" Spike hissed.

Ed saw a flicker of something and just had seconds to react before shit the fan. Spike bull charged him and they both went flying through the fence and into the old cornfield and hard sun-baked earth, the impact of landing on the rocks took the breath out of both men. Spike twisted his body around Ed and started to punch him, Ed blocked each one and shoved Spike off his body hard with a direct blow to the middle of his chest; Ed heard the wheeze coming from his buddy and took the moment to calm his anger.

"I don't want to fight you Spike, for the love of god I want to help you get through this, I want you back buddy!" he called out.

Spike launched himself at Ed again and got in a massive punch to Ed's face, snapping his head back and making him stagger; he knew Spike wasn't as strong beforehand but now with Mikhail's training and his anger he felt like he had been hit by a truck in the face. He massaged his jaw and saw Spike heaving, his breath coming too fast and he was favouring one side of his body.

"I'm not fighting you Spike, take what you need if that's what I am good for, but I will not lay my hands on you!" Ed yelled, trying to get a connection to diffuse his anger.

Spike staggered over the rocky surface and hissed as he took a stance to attack again, Ed screamed in his head, he didn't want to hurt Spike, not ever.

"You want pain Ed, how about I go torture your wife and son and then make you watch as I put a bullet in them as you stand there helpless as I wipe out your whole life?" Spike hissed.

Ed froze, this was getting dangerously personal now and the only way Spike would get him to react would be to threaten his family.

"Shut up Spike, I know my family would never do what yours did; your family was so messed up that your father disowned you, abused you for years and then told his older son to kill his disappointing younger one, ALL OVER A JOB!" Ed hissed.

"Hurts to feel threatened don't it Ed, I tried to talk to you and you had your own problems and never made time for me because you were too busy waiting hand and foot on your precious failing marriage, What do they say to you, knowing that you killed my family, are they proud that their husband and father is a killer?" Spike hissed loudly.

Ed snapped.

He roared as he lunged at Spike and started hammering into each other as they both reached their emotional rage limits which needed to be released. They threw punches that hit and miss, they tackled through the training, each getting in lucky shots as they relied on the training and personal skills to best the other; Ed went down first with an elbow to the back of the spine and Spike was pulled down by a scissor kick and landed heavily on the rocky surface which made him scream out in pain. Ed crawled away from Spike, trying to calm his own anger down and stop the blood coming from his broken nose and numerous cuts and abrasions across his body. His ribs hurt, his back was killing him and he was in awe of the level of Spike's skill.

"You disgust me, you're a murderer and don't deserve to live, your family should be exposed as the mess it is, your son is a coward for not following you into the force!" Spike hissed hatefully.

Ed roared again and lunged at a Spike who was struggling to his feet, Ed laid into him and pinned him against the old fence as he constantly attacked his stomach and sides with strong punches, all the pent up emotions erupted in him and it was only when he realised that Spike wasn't fighting back anymore he felt the lead weight of his friends body sagging forward.

"Spike, hey Spike buddy can you hear me?" he whispered.

He looked into his friends face and saw through the blood and mud across his face that he was unconscious, he gripped his upper arms and guided him down onto the ground and gasped at the mess he was in. He had completely smashed into his ribs and stomach and there was a major problem with his breathing pattern; he ripped out the phone from his pocket and hit the double star button.

"Ed, what's happened?" Mikhail demanded.

"I'm an idiot, we fought and Spike is out for the count, we need help up here and oxygen, his breathing is irregular and major swelling on his left hand side abdomen." Ed replied checking his wounds.

Mikhail told him to stabilize the best he could and within five minutes both Mikhail and Maria were running up the hill with equipment and stopped short as they saw the state of the two men in the middle of the field. Ed was cradling Spike's upper body and holding him tight, whispering to him as they saw their charge gasp for breath and cry out in pain as Ed shifted ever so slightly. They shook off the shock and ran across to them both and knelt down to get started on the trauma care of both men.

"Jesus Ed, let Maria take care of you while I see to Spike!" Mikhail ordered.

Maria dragged Ed to the side as he watched Mikhail start Spike on oxygen and stabilize his neck and stomach which was visibly distended and was causing major concern for Mikhail as he processed the injuries. He applied pressure to the worst bleeding wounds and bring out his small light to check for pupil reactions.

"Maria, we need to get him to a hospital immediately, serious internal bleeding possible in lower left abdo, confirmed broken ribs and his pupils are uneven and non-responsive!" he ordered.

Maria ripped out her own mobile and hit speed dial, seconds later she had requested an emergency medevac to Toronto Trauma unit and Ed was sitting there in a complete daze, his mind numb from what had just happened.

"What did I do to him?" he whispers to Maria.

"You beat the crap out of your friend you massive idiot, you were meant to support him, let him grieve and you may have just caused him more harm! How could you?" She said through unshed tears.

Ed bowed his head and watched as Mikhail and Maria both worked on getting Spike stabilized with some fluids, painkillers and cooling pads over the worst of the swelling; they both gasped as a pained noise came from Spike and Ed went over like a shot.

"Buddy, try not to talk alright, I know you hurt and help is on the way, just lay still and let us take care of you alright?" Mikhail whispered.

Spike blinked slowly and then looked up slightly and saw Ed, he clenched his eyes and then slowly opened them again.

"Oh Spike, I am so sorry, I am so so sorry about everything, all I wanted to do was protect you!" Ed whispers, his tears falling.

Spike looked up through his own tears and slowly manages to touch Ed's knee, the small movement is a massive step for him and everyone saw it, Ed grabbed hold of Spike's hand and leaned forward to support his friend.

"I didn't….I'm sorry Eddie…Out of line with family!" he hissed through pain.

Ed squeezed his hand and helped him through the sudden memories and let him squeeze tight as he screamed out in pain as Mikhail measured the swelling that was increasing.

"Breathe for me Spike, look at me, focus on me and what I am gonna tell you!" Ed whispers.

Spike clenches his hand in response and tries to steady his breathing and pulse that are sluggy and too high for comfort.

"I can never ask for forgiveness, I took away your family and I deserve to be sent to hell, but not before I see you healthy and with the woman you love who is waiting for you in your home! She has never given up believing in you and you have so much to live for, so you fight for your life and heal, if you want me there, I will be with you in every step of recovery and beyond!"

Spike was openly crying and watched as the other three people clocked the incoming medevac chopper that could land in the field across from them; Mikhail headed to wave them down and Maria squeezed Spike's other hand and let him ride out the pain with soothing comfort.

"Its okay, helps here Michelangelo the pain is going to go soon!" she whispered.

He looked up at Ed and blinked.

"Don't leave me, please don't leave me…..I can't do this again!" he got out, the first sentence through the pain.

"I'm not going anywhere buddy, I'm gonna get you through this – no matter what it takes! You are in pain and I know you would never hurt our families, and I will make sure that you are never alone again!"

"Forgive me Eddie?" Spike cried gently.

It broke Ed, to hear his friend sound so weak and childlike; he bent down and whispered into his ear.

"Always Michel, and Greg, your true father is waiting for you back home, we want you safe and well, we need you back buddy but in your own time!" he replied.

The EMT unit got to work the moment they knelt down beside Spike and within seconds they had him on powerful drugs and into the basket for transport to the hospital; they took no argument as they shoved Ed into the chopper too and Mikhail told them he would see them soon at the hospital with the medical records. They both stood back as the chopper took off and they both leaned into each other for comfort at the sight of the obvious massive fight that had taken place in the field.

Several hours later and Ed was sitting in a comfort chair beside Spike in the ICU of St Mike's Hospital Trauma Unit; he was still unconscious from the four hour surgery to remove his ruptured spleen and repair the damage to his ribs that had re-cracked from healing near his GSW. Only Greg was aware that they were both back in Toronto and Ed was suddenly woken up by a strong hand on his shoulder, he looked up and saw Greg's pale face as he looked at them both.

"What the hell happened?" he whispered.

Ed looked at his friend and the tears rolled down his face as he started from the beginning and told the whole truth about what was said and done in that field; Greg watched the slightly unsteady breathing pattern of his son lying in the ICU and squeezed his best friends shoulder as he broke down.

A few minutes later, Ed made his way out of the ICU room and headed to the waiting area where the rest of the team were waiting very impatiently for any news on their friend; Ed opened the door and everyone gasped as they saw the state of him.

"Holy mother…what happened?" Jules squeaked.

Everyone looked at Ed as Sam moved closer to him and looked him straight in the eye, he nodded and Sam grabbed Ed in a bear hug as he broke down again with Sam as they realised that the hell was over and their friend was finally on the path to healing.

Back in the room Greg was sitting watching his son sleeping, he didn't care that it was a partial medical sleep, he was just so glad to see him again, though really pissed that he was badly hurt again. The door opened and in walked a doctor who sent an encouraging smile to the man who was looking up at him with hope.

"You must be Sergeant Parker, Officer Lane said that you were taking over from him to watch over Spike?"

Greg nodded and looked back to the bed, the doctor started his chart duties and frowned slightly at the monitors.

"What's the diagnosis doctor?" he whispered.

The man looked around at Greg and then smiled, he realised that the look across his face must have panicked him slightly and he raised a hand to calm him down.

"Spike is doing well considering the damage to his body over the last year, he is an incredibly strong individual and once he recovers from this, hopefully, last surgery; he should be fine." He replied.

Greg nodded and the doctor did a final check of the incision site that had Greg wincing as he saw the semi-healed scars of previous attempts and the new wound from this surgery.

"His spleen was removed due to the damage and we repaired a nick on his intestines, his ribs are fractured and they caused some pressure on his lungs but we are monitoring his progress very carefully and have started antibiotics to fight off any infection. He passed out due to the internal bleeding and pain, he must have been in some discomfort for days before his spleen became so infected and we had to flush his abdomen out to ensure no peritonitis would set in."

Greg blew out a huge breath and wiped his eyes, he knew by the list of injuries Spike would be out of action for at least another two months and then probably another couple of months desk bound at the SRU if he passed his psych evaluation. The doctor stood beside Greg and squeezed his shoulder.

"Your obviously very close to Spike and he is doing very well, you should rest and I'm going to organise another cot to be moved in here for tonight, if he stabilizes tomorrow then he will be moved to a private room and he can have visitors if he wants. Have faith, he's too stubborn to die unless they are on his own terms when he is good and ready!"

The doctor left and Greg blew out the stress and pain in his chest as he looked back over to Spike.

"I need you to heal Michelangelo, for selfish reasons and for another who is waiting for you!"

Greg took Spike's hand and squeezed it gently to show support, he felt a small squeeze back and looked up to see a small tear running down Spike's face.


End file.
